


Running the Break

by carolinablu85, dazzling_icer (centz), noelleleithe



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Deviates From Canon, Family, Hot Surfers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-24
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:28:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 49,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinablu85/pseuds/carolinablu85, https://archiveofourown.org/users/centz/pseuds/dazzling_icer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/noelleleithe/pseuds/noelleleithe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke’s in Oakdale. Noah’s in LA. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Noah ran.    
  
The early September morning was dreary and still. Clouds blocked the sunrise and left the atmosphere foggy and damp. Everything seemed so dark and dull, and the thick air made it hard to breathe, leaving a deeper burn in his lungs than what Noah was used to.   
  
Noah had started running a few months earlier, when his head was fully healed and he needed something to scratch the restless itch he had been feeling. He needed something else to distract him from his thoughts. Classes and shifts at Java only took up so much time, and the rest was spent thinking, which probably wasn't the best thing for him to do these days. So he took up running, and it gave him a distraction. A much needed distraction.    
  
He liked it, for the most part. He found that he had more energy throughout the day, and it was good for clearing his head and helping him sort through his thoughts. But on days like this, days where running in this dull fog through the same route through Oakdale Park that he took every day was more a hindrance than a help, he hated it. He got shin splints from the uneven gravel and calluses on his feet from the wear and tear it did on his shoes.    
  
He needed a change of scenery. Running this route every morning had caused him to unconsciously memorize the branch patterns of every tree on the path. He was pretty sure he could even tell what branches had lost leaves overnight. He had considered joining a gym and just running on a treadmill or a track, but he couldn't think of anything worse than running and not getting anywhere, or running just to get back to where you started from. If it was between that and the same old boring shrubbery patterns, he'd take the shrubbery.    
  
_God, I need to get out of here_ , he thought as he rounded a corner, leading him to the last leg of his run.    
  
He had found a home here in Oakdale, a place he could finally tie his heart to. After moving around from base to base as a child, he had dreamed of being stationary and finding somewhere to build his life around. And up until recently, he thought Oakdale was going to be that place. Now, he just found it to be suffocating.   
  
He shook his head to get rid of  _that_  line of thinking, and his mind drifted off to the letter. The letter that was currently folded into the pocket of his gym shorts. He found himself taking it with him everywhere, getting it out from time to time and reading it over and over again. He knew that he needed to make a decision sooner or later on what he would do, but he kept putting it off, promising himself each time he stuffed it back into his pocket that the next time it resurfaced, he would make a decision. That had yet to happen.    
  
He finally made it to the front of his and Ali's apartment complex and slowed down, putting his hands on his hips and catching his breath. Oakdale was just showing small signs of finally waking up to face the day ahead. He looked at his watch and saw that he had forty minutes to shower and change before his early shift at Java. He worked with Jeff this morning and smiled to himself at the thought that it was always an interesting shift with him around.    
  
When he finally caught his breath and his body began to relax, Noah took one last look at his surroundings before walking into his building, with the hope that the crappy run he had that morning wasn't an indication of how the rest of the day would end up.    
  


************  
 

Noah stared down at the sheet of paper in his hands, the thin material burning into his fingertips. He still couldn't believe it. When he applied for the graduate film program in LA, he never expected to be accepted, especially since he sent in his applications so late. He passed his final classes over the summer with flying colors, finally earning his bachelor's in filmmaking from Oakdale U. But even then, he was sure that they wouldn't have a spot for him.    
  
But this piece of paper said otherwise. It told him that not only was he accepted, but he was given a full scholarship. Apparently the board of admissions was very impressed by his short film – the product of his summer work – and thought that he showed much promise in the film industry.    
  
Noah's life in the past ten months had been so dark and gloomy that he wasn't sure if he was dreaming this all up or not. He had been walking through a long, dark tunnel (literally) for so long, but with this single sheet of paper, Noah thought that he was finally starting to see the proverbial light at the end.    
  
Without thinking, as he'd done at least four times since the letter came, Noah dug out his cell phone. He quickly flipped up the lid, hit speed dial two, and was about to push send when the name that came up on the screen stopped him in his tracks.    
  
Luke.    
  
Even after all of this time, Luke was still the first person he thought about. After all of the fights, and Noah pushing him away, and Reid… Luke was still the first image that popped into his head after, well… anything. Bright brown orbs greeted him when he opened his eyes in the morning and when he closed them at night. He felt long arms wrap themselves around him from behind in the shower as the warm water cascaded down his back. He smelled him whenever the sweet summer breeze rushed past him, filling him with memories of sun and lemonade and Emma's homemade ice cream at Snyder Pond.    
  
Noah wanted to kick himself every single time he did this, a small part of him wishing that he could just move on from Luke and take control of his life and heart back. But the bigger part, the part that seemed to always win out in the end, was glad. His memories of Luke caused him to feel warm and safe and at peace. If you had asked him three months ago, he would've said that the mere thought of Luke just dug the painful hole in his heart deeper. But now Noah had discovered that thinking about Luke and the time that they had together still made him feel alive, kept him going. He was the first man that Noah had fell in love with, and the only man he wanted to love for the rest of his life. He knew that that would never change, even if Luke was with another man.    
  
He would be lying if he said that he didn't want Luke back. He did, more than ever before. But Luke seemed happy with Reid, and who was he to deny Luke his happiness? He would give up his dreams if it meant that Luke would be happy for the rest of his life. He would do anything to make sure that…   
  
"Dude!"    
  
Noah dropped his acceptance letter and brought his hands to the back of his head.    
  
"Hey! What the hell?"   
  
Jeff swung the towel that he had just slapped Noah with over his shoulder and looked pointedly at his friend. "Man… I asked you to refill the napkin canisters fifteen minutes ago! But all you've been doing is staring down at that letter. What's up man?"   
  
Noah gently rubbed his head where Jeff had hit him, and looked shyly back down at the counter where the letter had settled. "Oh, sorry, man, just… thinking about the future and…"   
  
"Luke?" Jeff offered, raising his eyes knowingly.    
  
Noah just nodded.   
  
"Thought so. Are you gonna tell him about LA?"   
  
Noah closed his eyes and took a deep breath. That had been one of the main things he'd been thinking about since the letter arrived, and he still didn't know. How would Luke react? Would he even care? Especially now that he had Reid to make him happy?    
  
"I don't know." Noah told him honestly, looking back up at his friend. "I don't know if I can…"   
  
"Look Noah," Jeff interrupted him, taking a step closer and causing Noah to look squarely at him. "I know it's probably hard to even think about Luke right now, let alone be around him and talk to him, but you can't just leave town without…"   
  
"See that's where you're wrong, Jeff." Noah shook his head, lips curving in a small smile. "Thinking about Luke, or being around him…feels the same as it always did. Like…like I'm a little more alive whenever he's near. Like it's the most natural and obvious thing in the world. I feel lighter, happier. Like I can do anything. Luke's always made me feel like that. Even after everything that's happened between us, that is one thing that hasn't changed. Me not being able to be around Luke is  _definitely_  not the problem."   
  
Jeff rolled his eyes at Noah's mushiness, undoubtedly a by-product of all of those romantic Hollywood love stories and all of those years being influenced by Luke's writer's brain. "Then what  _is_  the problem?"   
  
"It's the thought of leaving him I can't stand." Noah admitted, swallowing hard and looking back down at the counter. "For some reason, just seeing Luke, even when we aren't together, is enough. I know he's with Reid now, but seeing him so happy… that's all I can really ask for. And if it came down to seeing Luke happy with another guy or not seeing him at all, then… you know."    
  
"Yeah, I know," Jeff smiled sadly at him. Noah knew that Jeff was aware of how much he had been hurting lately, and he had been so great to him since he got his eyesight back. He helped him get his job back at Java, and he was always quick on his pep talks; reminding Noah that he was strong and that he was a fighter, and if anyone could get through something like this with their head on straight and come out good in the end, it was him. "But I still think you should tell Luke."   
  
"What's this about my brother?"   
  
Noah and Jeff looked up to see Aaron, Luke's older brother, waltzing through the door and coming to stand up by the counter.    
  
"Aaron, hey!" Noah smiled and walked around the counter to give Aaron a tight hug. He pulled back from to look at him. He had the same face, same tanned skin, and the same strong build, but his hair was longer than he remembered. Looking closer, Noah noticed that his dark hair was tied into a tight ponytail. "It's so nice to see you, man."   
  
"Nice to see you too, buddy! I missed you at my dad's fake funeral." Aaron laughed at his own joke, and Noah followed suit.    
  
"Yeah, well, that was a complicated situation," Noah said, the laughter quickly stopping. "Oh, um, hey Aaron, this is my friend Jeff. Jeff, this is Aaron Snyder."   
  
Aaron looked over at the man still standing behind the counter wearing a matching green Java shirt. He reached his arm out and shook hands with him. "Hey, nice to meet you, man."   
  
"You too," Jeff said. "So you're Luke's brother? I haven't seen you around."   
  
"Yup, Luke is my little brother! And I don't live in Oakdale, I live in Seattle with my mom. I'm just here visiting."   
  
"What for? Did something happen?" Noah asked. His stomach clenched at the thought.   
  
"Oh no," Aaron quickly waved that off. "Everything's cool, man. Mom's doing well. Cancer is in remission."   
  
"Oh, that's good to hear," Noah said, giving Aaron a smile. "So how long are you staying?"   
  
Aaron sat down at one of the stools by the bar, and Noah took the one right next to him while Jeff leaned over the counter toward them. "Just a couple of weeks. I'm actually here to spend a few weeks with the family before I move again. I was offered a job out in LA working with my buddy Donny at his shop, so I'm just here in between moves."   
  
"Oh, you're moving to LA?" Jeff asked excitedly. "Noah is, too!"    
  
"Jeff!"   
  
"What, man? It's true!"   
  
"You're moving to LA, Noah?" Aaron turned toward him. "When? What for?"   
  
Noah sighed, glancing back over to his acceptance letter that was still sprawled out on the counter top. "I got accepted into a master's film program out there. I start at the end of September."   
  
"Noah, that's great!" Aaron grinned widely. "Luke always told me that your dream was to be a filmmaker. I bet he's totally stoked that you got accepted!"   
  
"Actually, Noah hasn't told him yet."   
  
"JEFF!"   
  
"What? Noah, this is ridiculous!" Jeff's voice turned into an 'I'm gonna tell it like it is' tone. "I know what went down with you and Luke was shitty, but none of that compares to the three years you guys spent together, and what you used to mean to each other. He deserves to know that you're leaving, Noah."   
  
"Is this what you guys were talking about when I first walked in?" Aaron asked, looking back and forth between them. "About whether or not Noah should tell my brother about him moving?"   
  
"Yeah, Noah is still all ga-ga for Luke, and he's not sure if he would be able to leave if he tells him."   
  
"Uh, guys… right here!" Noah said, waving his hand.    
  
"You should really tell him, Noah," Aaron said, also turning serious. "I know my brother, and I know that he would be really upset, not to mention totally pissed off, if you left without saying anything."   
  
"I know that, Aaron, I'm just…" Noah swallowed hard and looked away, not sure if he would be able to get this out. "I'm scared of his reaction."   
  
"What for?" both Aaron and Jeff asked simultaneously.    
  
"What if he doesn't care? What if he's so taken by Dr. Oliver that he doesn't give a damn about me anymore?" Noah took a deep breath before finishing. "I don't think I could handle that."   
  
Aaron and Jeff quickly looked at each other, the same look of concern and sympathy etched on their faces. Aaron then looked back at Noah, reaching out and placing a strong hand on Noah's shoulder.    
  
"Look, Noah. I love my brother, I really do. But he doesn't piss rainbows or shit gold or hold the keys to the entire universe. I know you love him, but dude… he's moved on. He's chosen a different life. And maybe it's time that you did the same."   
  
As much as it stung to hear, Aaron had a point. Luke had moved on, so what really was keeping him here? He loved his friends and his adoptive Snyder family, but what kind of life could he have here? A life working 9 to 5 at WOAK or Java without someone to make it worthwhile? A life where everywhere he went he would be constantly flooded with memories of his past with Luke, while simultaneously watching him fall in love with another man? That wasn't a life. That was torture.    
  
Noah looked away from them and down at his lap, a loud exhale escaping his lips. "You're right," he said, trying to convince himself as much as them. "I need to move on and stop torturing myself like this. Okay, fine. I will tell Luke, I promise."   
  
"It's for the best, buddy. You'll come out stronger in the end for it. I know it." Jeff smiled reassuringly. Just then the door chime rang out, and the three of them looked over to see two teenaged girls walk in. Jeff turned to go and help them, leaving Noah and Aaron on the stools. Aaron cleared his throat and began to change the subject.    
  
"So where are you gonna live in LA, Noah? You thinking of living downtown by your school? Do they have dorms?"   
  
"I, uh… I honestly haven't even looked into any of that yet. I suppose that I could look and see if there are any dorms, but to be honest, I've been out of the dorms for so long I don't think I would like going back. I love having an apartment. It's definitely more comfortable and more… homey, I guess."   
  
"Yeah, I know what you mean."   
  
"Where are you staying?"    
  
"I don't know yet," Aaron said, leaning closer to the countertop. "I haven't looked either. But Donny's shop is right on the strip of Torrance Beach, so I'm gonna look for some place in that area."   
  
"Oh, right on the beach? That sounds amazing! I would love to know what it's like to have an ocean as your backyard."    
  
Aaron's eyes widened, and he smacked Noah's forearm with the palm of his hand. "Noah! Noah, man, I just got an idea!" Aaron said, his voice rising. "We should live together!"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Live together! You and me. We can find an apartment together right on the beach."   
  
"Wait, wait…" Noah said, trying to slow down Aaron's fast, excited speech so that his brain could catch up. "You want me to live with you in LA?"   
  
"Yeah! Why not? Look, Noah, this could work out well for the both of us. This way rent will be cheaper, you'll be able to live right on the beach,  _and_  neither of us will have to be alone all the time. It's a win-win for both of us!"   
  
Noah considered Aaron's offer for a few moments, his mind meticulously going over all of the bases. Aaron was right; it would be a lot cheaper if he had a roommate rather than trying to live on his own in downtown LA, and an apartment that would be right on the beach? He would be a fool to pass that up. But still…   
  
"That sounds really great, Aaron, but I don't know if I would be able to do it. Torrance Beach is probably really far from downtown where my classes are, so I don't know if…"   
  
"No, Noah, Torrance is only like 30 minutes from downtown… it's not far at all! It's a totally doable commute for you. And besides, aren't you gonna be going to locations all over anyway when you are shooting your films?"   
  
"Yeah… that's a good point," Noah could feel himself slowly opening up to the idea, to the point where he was actually starting to get a little excited. "But how will I get downtown? I mean, I'm in the process of selling my truck so that I can get a new car when I get out there, but I don't think I'm going to have enough to get one right away. So I'm going to have to find a job and save, but I'm not going to have any time for that…"   
  
"Hey, don't worry about it!" Aaron told him, getting really excited about this as well. "I can always drop you off if you need it, or you could take the bus to the city. It'll be no problem, man!"   
  
"Are… are you sure?" Noah asked him, shyly ducking his head. "Are you sure you would want to live with me? I mean, I'm probably not the best person to be around right now, and I don't think you'd want some depressed film student for a roommate."   
  
Aaron regarded him seriously. "If I didn't want to live with you, I wouldn't have asked. You're like family, and you've been through hell lately. I totally understand, and I really believe that LA could be a good fresh start for you."   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Hell yeah! And plus…" Aaron looked at him now with a slight tease in his eye. "The ladies love gay dudes. You would be the best wingman ever at all the beach bashes and parties!"   
  
Noah laughed out loud at that, and playfully hit Aaron on the arm as Aaron had done him. Aaron joined in on the laughter, and Noah started to feel the tension of the situation slipping away from him a little. This move with Aaron could actually really work out. It would definitely help with his funds, and he wouldn't be alone all the time. And also, a part deep down inside of him didn't want to let go of his connection with the Snyders. This might not be the connection that he wanted, but it was still something.    
  
"OK," Noah said finally, when their laughter died down. "I'm in."   
  
"Yeah?! You sure? Is that what you really wanna do?"   
  
Noah looked down again at his letter that was still sitting down on the counter, and for the first time since he opened the letter weeks ago, he felt lighter, happier… almost hopeful for the future. He looked back at Aaron, and gave him a bright smile.    
  
"Yeah, yeah I'm sure." Noah held out his hand. "Let's do this, roomie."    
  


************  
 

He didn't expect to see Holden Snyder at the post office a few days later, but he was glad he did.    
  
"Noah!" the older man greeted him with a smile as he walked toward the packaging table. "It's nice to see you."   
  
"Nice to see you too, Mr. Snyder," Noah greeted, setting down the large roll of packaging tape he held and firmly shaking his hand with a large smile.   
  
"It's Holden, Noah. How long have you been a part of our family now? And you still insist on calling me Mr. Snyder?"   
  
Noah blushed to the tip of his ears, his heart bursting with embarrassment and an overwhelming feeling of family and belonging. He hadn't felt that in a long time. "I'm sorry, Holden. Old habits die hard, I guess."    
  
"I know what you mean," Holden said, putting his hands in his pockets, and it wasn't lost on Noah how very Luke-ish it was. "So what have you got there, Noah? Sending boxes out to LA a bit early?" Holden asked him, motioning toward the two large boxes sitting on the table waiting to be completely packaged up.    
  
"Yeah. Aaron and I don't leave for another four days, but I decided to start sending my stuff on ahead, since I won't be able to take it on the plane, you know?"    
  
"Where are you sending it to? The boxes aren't just sitting outside of your apartment, are they?"   
  
"No," Noah chuckled, grabbing a box and starting to fold down the flaps to be taped shut. "Aaron's friend Donny is taking care of it for me." The friend Aaron was going to work for had also helped them find an apartment in a hurry. "We're sending our stuff to him, and he's holding it for us until we get there."   
  
"Well, that's really nice of him," Holden said, and Noah thought he genuinely sounded very excited for him and Aaron moving out to LA, even though he knew Holden preferred for his family to stay close together. But Holden was nothing if not supportive, and he knew what this film program meant to Noah and his future. "So everything went well with the apartment then? You and Aaron were able to find a good place?"   
  
"Oh yeah, the pictures Donny sent look awesome!" Noah couldn't hide the excitement in his voice. "It's right on Torrance Beach, and it's not far from downtown LA, where my classes are going to be, and Aaron and Donny's shop is only a couple miles down the strip. We really lucked out on such short notice."   
  
"Sounds like you two have it all worked out, huh?"   
  
"Yeah, we've pretty much gotten everything under control and planned out. We're really excited to move in together."   
  
"That's great, but I should warn you," Holden teased, his tone one of mock seriousness, "us Snyder men have been known to be a little on the messy side. You might have to get used to dirty dishes being left in the sink, or random articles of clothing lying around on pieces of furniture."   
  
"Wait," Noah laughed, looking at Holden in confusion. "Do the Snyder men's dishes even make it to the sink? As I recall, their dishes constantly had to be collected from coffee tables or from the floor."   
  
"Touché!" Holden let out what Noah could only call a big Papa Bear laugh at that, and Noah just smiled widely. This was nice. Noah had almost forgotten how easy it was to be around Holden, how comfortable the man who had become like a father to him had always made him feel. He didn't know what he ever did to deserve to be considered a son by Holden Snyder, but whatever it was, Noah would always be extremely grateful.    
  
Noah saw a small shift in Holden's eye then, one that he was quite familiar with after being around him for the past three years. It was a look that always made Noah feel nervous, because he knew that something was on Holden's mind, and Holden rarely held back on what he was thinking.    
  
"So Noah," Holden said, slowly. "I know that after everything that happened with you and Luke that you two are still friends and still care about each other a lot. That's good that you two can still remain in each other's lives."   
  
Noah shot his head up at Holden, the mere mention of Luke still causing his heart to race. It took him a moment before he could answer his question. "Oh, yeah… we, um, we're still friends. I still care about him a lot."  _I still love him_ …    
  
"He must have been really upset when he heard about you going to LA, huh? I know my son, and I know that…" Noah felt his face drop, and he looked away as Holden stopped talking. "Oh, uh… I guess you haven't told him yet."   
  
Noah shook his head, feeling sheepish. "I keep meaning to… to tell him, I mean. But…" Noah trailed off, now looking back into Holden's eyes. Holden just stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder.    
  
"Hey, hey, it's OK. I understand that it's hard for you," Holden comforted him, his voice soft but steady. "You and Luke meant a lot to each other, and I know it's going to be hard to leave him."   
  
Holden saw Noah swallow hard. "Holden," Noah whispered, and Holden watched as the young man's face twisted into something he couldn't quite put his finger on. He was looking down at his hands now, and Holden immediately recognized one of Noah's typical nervous mannerisms.    
  
"What is it, son?" Holden asked, keeping his tone soft and level.   
  
Noah swallowed hard at the "son," further choking him up and setting him back. He tried a smile as he looked at the only man who had ever shown him true fatherly kindness and support.    
  
"I… I just want to thank you, Holden," Noah began, his voice slightly shaky. "Ever since I came to Oakdale, you and the rest of the Snyders showed me what it was like to be a part of a family, and you've never treated me like some poor charity case. Just… thank you, for giving me a chance. I can't even begin to describe how much that has meant to me. And… and with me leaving… I won't just be leaving Luke behind, I'll be leaving all of you, too."   
  
Holden didn't say anything; he just smiled at Noah and pulled him into a tight hug. The older man's arms were strong around him, and Noah's heart swelled at how utterly  _safe_  he felt. What he would have given to have had these arms comforting and protecting him when he was growing up…   
  
The two men pulled back, and Noah turned slightly away, trying to stop the threat of tears falling. Who knew if he would ever see Holden again?   
  
"Holden," Noah finally said, turning back to meet his gaze. "Will you tell everyone else that I said good bye? And how grateful I am for everything that they've done for me?"   
  
"Sure, Noah. I can do that," Holden smiled warmly at him again. He patted him on the back one more time. "And you take care of my son, OK? I don't want to get a call from the LAPD saying that he's out there getting into illegal street motorcycle racing or something."   
  
Noah laughed as Holden finally turned his back on him and began to walk out of the post office. Noah had to take a deep breath and remember that the son Holden was talking about him taking care of was Aaron and not Luke.    
  
Noah shook his head of that thought and turned back to his boxes. He finished taping them both up and gathered them together to be sent out to LA and into his new life.


	2. Chapter 2

Luke stared at the plain white ceiling of his mother's living room. He was hoping that the blank surface would help stop the images and thoughts that were plaguing his mind, but it only provided an empty canvas for the pictures to create themselves on. One image in particular was coming up more often than the others: one of blue eyes and dark hair and long arms. It was an image that, no matter what happened, he knew he would continue to see perfectly and clearly for the rest of his life.    
  
He sighed, causing his body to sink lower into the brown leather sofa. Luke loved this couch, often teasing his mother that one day he was going to steal it right from under her nose to take to his own place (if he would ever get one). He thought of this rather necessary piece of furniture as one of the most comfortable and comforting places that he knew. And it wasn't just because of the large cushions that conformed perfectly to his body, but it was the setting that it was in. A room in the house that he grew up in that was filled with laughter and memories. Those small reminders always seemed to make him feel better. But now it wasn't really helping, and he just felt like crap.    
  
Breaking up with Reid was necessary. Things just weren't working, and quite honestly, it was getting harder and harder to connect deeper emotionally after all of the physicality. Reid had wanted him from the beginning, and Luke needed to be wanted. He needed what Reid could give him, and for a while, Luke thought that that was enough. That the kissing and the sex was all that he really needed to get by for now, and the other, deeper stuff would come later.   
  
But he was too young, too naïve, too impulsive for someone as experienced and calculated as Reid Oliver. And for as good as things were between them in the beginning, Luke always knew that he would never be able to love Reid… at least not in the perfect, soulmate, I-wanna-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-y ou kind of way. He couldn't help but feel like that position still belonged to one person and one person only.    
  
Noah.    
  
So he ended it. A couple of hours ago he met Reid for his lunch break at the hospital and broke things off. Reid seemed upset but not that surprised by it, leading Luke to further believe that what they had really didn't mean as much as they thought it did. Or tried to pretend it did. Because that was what this whole relationship had felt like: one big, giant game of make-believe, like the ones Faith and Natalie had sometimes forced him to play. They'd both been playing their parts beautifully, keeping everything safe and superficial and simple.    
  
But anyone who knew Luke, knew he wasn't simple. He was complex, and he was complicated, which meant he was a talker. He needed to share his life and his thoughts and emotions with someone who was willing to listen to them. Sadly, it seemed, Reid was not. Only one person was ever really able to keep up with Luke's constant mouth, and the rapid firing of his thoughts. And right now, he had a lot of them to deal with.   
  
Luke pulled out his cell phone from his pocket, pressed the number two, and watched as Noah's name popped up on the screen. His thumb instinctively hovered over the green "send" button, but something inside of him stopped him from pushing it. Luke hated that his first instinct was still to call Noah whenever something happened. He had plenty of other people that he could talk to instead: his dad, or Casey, or he could even call Jade if he wanted to. But as much as he tried to fight it or deny it, every part of him still ached for Noah. Still yearned to tell him about his dreams and desires and about how Ethan rode his bike without the training wheels for the first time. He wanted to tell him everything. He wanted to see Noah's face light up with a full smile when he told him how Natalie got the lead in the school play, or how he would let out that deep, goofy giggle of his when he told him about Faith slapping the boy at school who tried to hit on her.    
  
But could he tell him about this? Would it be extremely selfish of him to walk up to Noah and say, "Hey Noah, I just broke up with Reid, the guy I chose over you, broke your heart for, and I desperately need to talk to you about it… wanna get some coffee?"   
  
Luke had a feeling that even though he and Noah agreed to be friends no matter what happened with them, that topic of conversation wouldn't go over very well with Noah. Even friends had their limits. Hell, Luke knew to never bring up the mechanics of gay sex in front of Casey if he valued his life. Maybe Reid was his and Noah's friendship-discussion limit. He didn't want to take that chance.    
  
But then again, was it fair to Noah to find out about him and Reid from someone else? Luke remembered how Noah reacted when he didn't tell him about adding himself to the ballot for Oakdale U's election, or when he didn't tell Noah about almost getting killed and Damian getting shot when they were in Kentucky last fall. Noah was not happy, and he let Luke know it. Luke remembered the guilt and sadness that he felt when Noah left so upset.    
  
_I think about you all the time. I take your feelings into consideration before I do anything._   
  
Luke's stomach still turned at the thought of those words. He had felt so extremely cared for and loved at Noah's admission. At the time, he was stubborn and he fought it, but he knew he was wrong and Noah was right. He should have told him about Kentucky then, and he should tell Noah about Reid now. But not over the phone.    
  
Luke sat up on the sofa and stuffed his phone back into his pocket. He got to his feet and headed toward the door, picking up his keys off the side table. If he was going to tell Noah, he had to do it face-to-face. He went to open the door when he brought himself up short.    
  
He had no idea where Noah was right now, and that thought shot a stab of pain through his stomach. He hadn't talked to Noah in so long, he didn't even know what he was doing, or where to find him. Was he still working at Java? Still living with Ali? Still taking classes at OU? He had no clue.    
  
Deciding impulsively that he was going to check all of those places anyway in hopes that he would be at one of them, he grabbed the door handle and opened it. He took one step and felt himself collide with something tall and hard in front of him.    
  
"Whoa!" He staggered back a little and shook his head before looking up at his mystery obstacle.    
  
"Hey, are you okay?"    
  
Luke stared at familiar blue eyes, thinking he must be in shock. Was Noah really here? Or were all of the thoughts about Noah he was just having causing his mind to make his ex materialize right in front of his eyes?   
  
"Luke? Hey Luke… are you all right?" Noah's voice seeped through his momentary daze, and when he felt the other man gently place a hand on his shoulder, Luke shook his head and was brought back into reality.    
  
"Oh yeah, yeah…" Luke said quickly, looking away from the deep concern in Noah's eyes and clearing his throat. "I'm, um… fine. I just didn't see you there."   
  
"Yeah, it looked like you were in a hurry. I was just about to knock when you barreled into me."   
  
Luke couldn't tell if that was a hint of a tease in Noah's voice or not, but he smiled just the same. "Oh yeah, sorry. I was in a bit of a rush. I wasn't looking where I was going."   
  
"Oh, I see," Noah smiled at him slightly, and Luke returned it. For a moment, he lost the nervousness that he was having when he realized how comfortable and at ease he still felt around Noah. "So, where were you headed? Am I interrupting something?"   
  
"No, not at all," Luke told him, now not being able to look away from Noah's eyes. It had been far too long since he had seen them outside of his dreams. "Actually I was just… just coming to find you."   
  
Luke watched as Noah's eyes widened at that, his heart beating a little faster wondering how Noah would react. "Me? Why were you looking for me?"    
  
"I just…" Luke hesitated, questioning again whether it was a good idea to tell Noah or not. "I just wanted to talk to you about something."   
  
"Oh, well, I have something that I wanted to talk to you about, too."   
  
"Yeah?" Luke said, watching as Noah slowly nodded. "Okay, well… do you want to come in?"   
  
Luke stepped to the side, allowing for Noah to pass through the doorway and closing the door behind him. He turned to face Noah, who was gazing around his mother's family room. It had been a while since Noah had been there.    
  
"Looks exactly the same," Noah said, his eyes returning to Luke. "Guess some things never change, huh?"    
  
"Yeah, I guess they don't."   
  
Luke and Noah stared at each other for a few seconds, eyes completely locked, both feeling the familiar pull in the pits of their stomachs.    
  
Finally, Luke cleared his throat and looked away. "So Noah, I was coming to look for you because I wanted…"   
  
"Wait, Luke" Noah quickly interrupted, his voice laden with what Luke recognized as a bad case of nerves. "Can… can I go first? It's just… you know how bad I am with words, and it took up a lot of courage for me to come here in the first place and if I don't get this out now, I probably never will."   
  
Luke stood frozen for a moment, Noah's sudden waterfall of words washing through Luke, stilling him. He studied Noah's eyes, seeing the emotion deep within the blue, and nodded slowly. "Um, yeah… yeah sure. Go ahead."    
  
"Thanks," Noah said simply, immediately reaching into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. By the looks of it, Luke could tell that it had been folded and read multiple times. The creases in the folds were starting to get little holes from being opened so many times, and the assumed once white sheet of paper was now a dirty cream color.    
  
Noah opened the paper with practiced ease, smoothing out the edges and looking it over quickly. He then took a few steps toward Luke, and held out the paper to him, his hand shaking slightly.    
  
"Read it," Noah told him as Luke slowly took the note from his hands.    
  
Luke could only nod.   
  


************   
 

For the next few seconds, Noah stared at his feet, waiting for Luke to read the paper. He heard Luke suck in a breath and lifted his gaze to see Luke's eyes wide and bright.   
  
"Oh my god, Noah!" Luke whipped his head up from the paper, his face bright and full of genuine happiness for the other man. "This is amazing! Congratulations!"    
  
Before Noah could say anything, Luke's arms were thrown around his neck and their bodies aligned perfectly, just like they always had. Noah was shocked at first, both by the suddenness of the hug and by the fact that this was the first time that they had touched,  _really_  touched, in months.    
  
Still, the familiarity was not lost on him. His arms wrapped around Luke's waist instinctively, and his face nuzzled lightly into Luke's hair. Luke's scent and touch overwhelmed Noah's senses, and he gently pulled back. Noah looked into Luke's eyes, and the deep joy and pride that he saw reflected in them almost undid him. Luke still didn't know…   
  
"Noah, this is so fantastic! I'm so excited for you! This is your dream, what you've always wanted! You are going to do so well in grad school! And a full scholarship! Noah that's…"   
  
"I'm leaving, Luke."   
  
Luke suddenly stopped talking, and the bright smile that lit up his face slowly sank away.    
  
"What?"   
  
Noah took a step away from Luke, the blond's arms slowly falling away until the warmth was gone altogether. "I'm… I'm leaving. That grad school it's… it's in LA."   
  
"Wha-what?" Luke echoed.    
  
Noah swallowed. Telling Luke was a lot harder than he originally thought it would be. He had been imagining and running through this scenario over and over in his head for weeks, thinking that it would prepare him for when it actually happened. But now that he was here standing in front of Luke, in the house where they had first made love, he realized that that preparation hadn't actually prepared him at all.   
  
He took another deep breath and finally answered Luke. "I'm moving, Luke. To go to grad school. In California."    
  


************   
 

Noah motioned toward the letter in Luke's hand again, and Luke gazed down at it, finally looking at the official letterhead at the top of the page, confirming what Noah had said.    
  
He was leaving. Moving to LA. Thousands of miles away from Oakdale. Thousands of miles away from  _him_ .    
  
"When?" Luke choked out, suddenly realizing that he wasn't able to manage more than one-word sentences without breaking down.    
  
"Tomorrow." Noah answered, his voice a soft whisper. Despite the low tone, Luke still heard him. His eyes grew wider and he sucked in a low breath, hoping Noah didn't notice. But knowing Noah, he probably did, just like he always did. They'd always been so in-tune with each other, always known the other so well. Luke wasn't surprised that even though they haven't been close in a long time, that this was something that hadn't changed. And it probably would never change. They would always know each other better than anyone else.   
  
Luke stood there staring at him completely frozen, mouth hanging open in shock. Noah was leaving tomorrow.  _Tomorrow_ . As in, one day from now… probably less than that. Luke's first instinct was to be angry that Noah hadn't told him he was leaving sooner, but his other instinct was overwhelmed with this sudden urge to cling Noah to him and never let go.    
  
He suddenly wanted more than anything to run up to him, grab his face with his hands, and kiss him with all he had. He wanted to tell him that he and Reid were over and that he had never, for one second, stopped loving Noah. He wanted to beg and plead for Noah to stay so that they could work it out and get their lives back again. But his body wouldn't move, and deep down he realized how ridiculously selfish those things would be of him.    
  
Noah was just handed his life-long dream in the form of a now crinkled up letterhead. He was moving to LA, to go to a top-notch film program. He was going to graduate, make films, win tons of awards, become famous. He was going to inspire people – make them laugh, make them cry, make them hope – just like Noah inspired Luke. Asking him to stay just because Luke needed him and felt guilty about the mistakes that he had made with Reid would be completely ridiculous, and Luke would never do that to him. He would never ask him to choose him over his future.    
  
A sharp pain hit Luke in the chest when he thought about how he and Noah's futures used to be the same thing.    
  
Luke finally realized that he hadn't responded to Noah, and shook himself out of his thoughts. He took a deep breath and put on a brave face, and finally broke his silence.    
  
"Noah that's… that's really great." Luke watched as Noah's eyes grew a bit wider, as if he hadn't expected Luke to say that. "I'm so very happy for you."   
  
"Um… you are?"   
  
"Yes, Noah! Of course I am." Luke braved a wide smile, desperately trying to hide the fact that inside he was falling apart. "This is what you've always wanted, Noah. This is your dream, your future! And you're finally getting the opportunity to live it out. I couldn't be happier or more proud of you than I am right now."   
  
"Thank you, Luke…" Noah returned a small smile, looking as if he felt a little more at ease. "That means a lot to me. You've always been my biggest supporter and I just…" He stopped, as if he couldn't find the right words to finish, and Luke understood. Noah had always been better at showing how grateful and appreciative he was than at saying it. Luke gave Noah a small, answering nod, telling him silently that he understood.    
  
They both stood there for a few moments, the air becoming stuffy and uncomfortable, as if it was being filled up with the unspoken words that they both wanted to say but couldn't. Finally, for once, it was Noah who broke the silence.    
  
"So, anyway. That is why I came by. But…what did you want to tell me?"   
  
"What?" Luke said, shaking his head and coming out of his Noah-induced stupor.    
  
"Earlier, when I came here to talk to you? You were on your way to talk to me about something. What was it?"   
  
"Oh, that… um…" Luke almost panicked, his mind searching desperately for an excuse. "Just that… well, Nat got the lead in her school's fall play."   
  
"She did?" Noah's face brightened. "That's so awesome!"   
  
"Yeah, she's really excited about it. And she asked me if I would ask you if you could give her some acting tips. Since, you know, you're a director and all."   
  
"Oh, I see…"   
  
"Yeah, but… since you're leaving tomorrow I guess that throws all of that out, doesn't it?" Luke laughed a bit awkwardly, trying to ease some of the tension that he felt.    
  
He hated lying to Noah. It was something that he never did before. Well, this wasn't technically lying since Nat did get the lead in the play, and she did ask for his help on getting Noah to give her some tips, but still… it wasn't what he really wanted to tell Noah. It wasn't even close.    
  
But he knew he couldn't tell Noah about Reid, now that he knew that Noah was moving. It wasn't fair to Noah. A part of him was dying for Noah to reach out to him and tell him he still loved him, beg and plead for Luke to go with him. Because Luke would go in a heartbeat. He would run upstairs, throw random clothes into a bag, and hop on the next plane to LA with Noah by his side before he could even blink.    
  
But he didn't, and Noah never said it.    
  
"Yeah, yeah I guess it does." Noah smiled, a little sadly. " I would have loved to have been around to see her in the play. I bet she'll be a little show-stopper."   
  
"Yeah," Luke laughed again, still trying to cover up the rapid destruction of his inner wall that he could feel falling more and more by the minute. "I bet she will be."   
  


************   
 

More silence followed, accompanied by gazes that lingered and never tore away from the other. It was as if it finally hit them both that this would be the last time that they would see each other in who knows how long. Their eyes never moved away, their respective hues soaking up the shade of the other, burning it into their minds to stay forever.    
  
There was a small part of Noah, in the farthest recesses of his mind that was hoping that Luke would ask him to stay. Grab hold of him and tell him to not leave Oakdale, not leave him, not leave  _them_ . But he was a fool for even hoping that Luke would be coming to him out of nowhere, telling him he still loved him and pleading for him to stay. That idea was stupid, and completely foolish.    
  
Noah cleared his throat, finally moving his eyes away from the brown pools that his soul had been drowning in for the past three years of his life, and would continue to do so probably forever. "Um, I should get going. I still need to finish packing up the last of my stuff and…"   
  
"Yeah," Luke interrupted, his voice small and a bit shaky, the only evidence Noah really had that this was hard on him too, just apparently not in the same way it was for Noah. "Yeah, I understand."   
  
"So… I guess this is it then."   
  
"Yeah… yeah, it is."    
  
Noah slowly nodded and then stepped to the side of Luke as he made his way over to the front door.    
  
"Noah?"   
  
Noah stopped at the door and slowly spun around again to face Luke. He didn't know if he could handle saying goodbye. He didn't know if he could say it.    
  
"Y-yeah?"   
  
Luke took a few steps closer to his ex, and held out the worn letter that was still in his hand. Noah slowly took it from him and carefully folded it back up before he stuffed it back into the pocket of his jeans. When he looked up, he realized how close Luke was. He could feel his comfortable warmth on his skin, and he could practically smell his sweet breath as it fluttered and danced into his senses. He unsurprisingly found himself lost in Luke's eyes again.    
  
"Noah…" It was a breathy whisper, his name coming out of Luke's lips as if it was only one syllable, treated like a delicate sigh.    
  
Before Noah could respond, Luke's long arms were once again wrapping themselves around his neck, and Luke was pressing himself up and into Noah's body on his tiptoes. Noah's arms snaked around Luke's back, encasing his smaller body into his strong arms. He could feel all of Luke pressed against him, from head to toe, and the familiarity and the want and the _rightness_  of it all overwhelmed him, and he just clung tighter and buried his face into Luke's hair.    
  


************   
 

Feeling Noah's arms around him fully had always made Luke feel safe. Grounded. It was one place he was always able to go to remind himself of where he was, and what was important. The closeness of Noah's body, their scents mixing between them… it was always able to center Luke in a way that no one had been able to do before.    
  
And this hug was no different. When he felt Noah's arms tighten around him, pulling him even further into the abyss, he could do nothing but respond and fall with him. He clung to Noah, his arms tightening around Noah's neck, pushing up on his toes higher and higher until Noah's arms were practically holding him up.    
  
Luke knew what letting go meant. It meant saying goodbye and Noah walking out that door and getting on a plane to LA and Luke never seeing him again. It meant they were really over. Noah was moving on and moving out, and their time in Oakdale was a chapter finally coming to an end. Luke could barely take it, and he felt his resolve and his strength weakening.    
  


************   
 

Noah felt Luke slack against him, and took it as a sign that he was ready to pull away. So Noah pulled away slightly, only just enough to rest his forehead against Luke's. They slid into place, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, eyes closed and breaths aligned.   
  
"Goodbye, Luke," Noah whispered, their mouths so close together that their breaths were becoming one. It took all he had not to close the distance between them and kiss Luke with everything in him.    
  
"Goodbye, Noah." Luke's breath touched Noah's face, a final caress, and with one last press into Luke's forehead, Noah turned away and pulled open the door, walking out without looking back.    
  


************   
 

Luke felt suspended for a few long moments, but then he staggered at the loss of the thing that was just moments before grounding him. He fell against the back of the closed door, sliding slowly down the length of it to the floor as the last part of his wall crumbled, and tears began slowly rolling down his face.    
  
Noah was gone. And he wasn't coming back.    
  
He was too late. 


	3. Chapter 3

"You got it?"   
  
"Hang on, let me just… okay. Go ahead."   
  
Noah and Aaron carried the large bookcase through the front hallway and into the living room of their new apartment. Donny had picked them up from the airport and helped them move their things that were shipped to him before they left. The apartment was great, even better than the pictures Donny had sent them. It was right on Torrance Beach, just like it advertised, even though it didn't have a clear view of the water. And while it was small, it was bright and open just like the ocean itself. The fresh sea air that was breezing in through the open windows just added to the effect. It was new, and clean, and Noah couldn't think of a better place to start his new life.   
  
Noah led Aaron over to a blank spot on the far side wall, his hands tightening their grip on the long wooden shelving unit.    
  
"How about right here?"   
  
"That looks like as good a place as any," Aaron answered as him and Noah set the bookshelf down. Once it was on the floor, they had a difficult time adjusting it and moving it so that it was right up against the wall just like they wanted it. It didn't help that the bookshelf was a little over seven feet tall and really awkward to maneuver.    
  
"Whew," Aaron laughed, pretending to wipe sweat off of his brow in a teasing manner. "Why do you have such a huge ass bookshelf, Mayer? I mean, I know you have a ton of DVDs, but there is no way that they fill this thing."   
  
"Yeah, when I bought this, I knew that Luke had a lot of books, so I just figured…" Noah stopped and shook his head. It was painful how easily these thoughts of Luke came to him; how memories of him just flew out of his mouth so effortlessly. "… Sorry."   
  
"Don't worry about it, buddy," Aaron said, slapping a rough hand on his shoulder. "You'll get there. You're in LA now, moving on and living your life. Everything is only going to get better from here."   
  
Aaron patted him once more on the shoulder and Noah gave him a small smile in return, before the older Snyder brother turned away to go bring more stuff in from the hallway. Noah watched him turn the corner to the hallway, and then sighed and looked out the window at the little sliver of a view they had of the waves of the Pacific crashing against the shore.    
  
It had been a long time since Noah had been on a true beach. Sure, he had been to Snyder pond, and he and Luke even took Faith and Natalie up to Lake Michigan once last summer, but those were just imitations in comparison to this one. Beautiful, pristine sand beaches, water as blue and clear as the sky… it was picturesque, and Noah had to remind himself that this was what his life was going to be from now on.    
  
He got lost for a moment, still staring out the window to the endless shore. Despite the roughness of the waves, Noah felt a great calmness as he looked at the water. He couldn't explain it, but he felt drawn to it. He was drawn to the sense that on the outside, the ocean seemed tense and strong and rough, but beneath the surface, it was quiet and calm, but full of so much activity and an endless amount of new things to discover.    
  
He couldn't wait to start running again, this time along the water's edge.    
  
Noah was quickly torn away from his thoughts when he heard a loud thud coming from the hallway, followed by a holler of pain from Aaron. He laughed and then went to find Aaron and see if he was okay. Turned out he had just dropped one of the coffee tables on his foot, and they shared a good laugh about his clumsiness before they carried in the rest of the stuff from the hallway and got back to work.    
  
Together, Noah and Aaron worked meticulously to get the apartment set up. They got their beds ready first, so they wouldn't have to make them up later when they were exhausted, and then Aaron worked on moving the living room around and setting up the TV while Noah was busy in the kitchen putting away the dishes and pans in their proper cupboards and making up a list for groceries that they would need. Noah had a feeling that living with Aaron meant that he would be making a lot of lists like these in the future. After living with Luke, he knew what it was like to live with someone who was more erratic and disorderly, and those were traits that Aaron seemed to share with his younger brother.    
  
When they were all finished, it was really late in the evening and they were exhausted and starving. They ordered an extra large pizza and sat in the living room together eating and talking comfortably. Noah had to admit that he was glad that they had decided to move in on a Friday so that they had the next two weekend days to just get settled and relax before Aaron started work and Noah's classes began on Monday. And Noah was really itching to get out on the beach.    
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Aaron swallowed a bite of his meat lover's pizza and turned toward Noah. "So what do you want to do tomorrow? Got any ideas?"   
  
"I thought maybe we could hang out on the beach for a while," Noah said, taking a long drink of his soda. "Maybe just relax, or go walking along the strip. See what kind of stuff is in the area. And I really need to find a job."   
  
"Sounds good to me, man," Aaron yawned loudly, raising his arms above his head so he could stretch his worked muscles. "But I'm gonna get some sleep. I'm beat. You gonna go soon?"   
  
"Yeah, I'm just gonna finish this off and clean up, and then I'll hit the sheets," Noah told him. "See you in the morning."   
  
Aaron disappeared down the hall and into his room. Noah sat back in his chair and began to look around the room as he finished his pizza. This apartment was so different than the ones he lived in back in Oakdale. It was brighter, more airy, with more windows, allowing for more fresh air to filter through. Overall, it just had this Californian beach feel to it that was such a big contrast to the more earthy and enclosed apartments of the Midwest.    
  
And he had to admit, he was very grateful for that.    
  
Once he was done eating, Noah threw away the trash--both his and Aaron's, unsurprisingly--and then followed the hallway down to his own room. His space was a fairly good size, with plenty of room for his limited furniture. He'd ordered a new queen-sized bed online and had it delivered that morning, since his bed at Ali's had actually been hers, and it didn't make sense to ship it halfway across the country anyway. Along with his dresser and a small bedside table, plus another new bookshelf (this one much smaller than the living room monstrosity), the room gave him everything he needed while still leaving him a decent amount of floor space. Right now that space was taken up by a few of Noah's boxes that he had yet to unpack, clothes and books and other random things that didn't need to be unpacked right away.   
  
Noah went over to the closest box and opened it. Inside he found old movie posters and banners that he had been collecting over the years. He took them out and set them on his bookshelf with the intention to hang them up later. Noah returned to the box and this time he found a shoebox full of pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. His heart jumped as he took out the shoebox and started looking through them.    
  
Noah forgot that he even had all these; he didn't even remember packing them. This must have been one of the boxes that Ali packed for him when she insisted on helping. Noah couldn't believe he forgot about them.    
  
A lot of the photographs were from family gatherings: Snyder Thanksgivings and picnics and Christmases. There were some from Faith's choir concert at school and some from Ethan's first pee-wee t-ball game. Noah couldn't help but smile at the pictures of his adopted family, even as his heart ached at the thought of never getting to have these moments with them again.    
  
But Noah's heart almost broke again at seeing all of the pictures with him and Luke, which were the majority of his collection. There were photos of them together out at the pond, when Faith or Nat would steal Noah's camera and take a ridiculous amount of pictures. When the pictures weren't of random bugs on the dock or off-centered photos of themselves, they actually managed to capture some of Noah's favorite moments with Luke.    
  
One of them was last Fourth of July. He and Luke took Faith, Nat, and Sage to the pond before Grandma Emma's cookout started. The day was perfect. There was barely a cloud in the sky, and the sun caused the ripples in the water to sparkle. Noah had snuck up on Luke and got him with a surprise splash attack, and Like was determined to get his revenge by dunking him. After he successfully thwarted all of Luke's previous attempts, Luke eventually just got frustrated and jumped on Noah's back, wrapping his arms tight around Noah's shoulders. Noah laughed at Luke, and grabbed Luke's legs to keep him up. Luke then reached around and surprised Noah with a big, wet kiss on his cheek, causing Noah to laugh even harder.    
  
It was only later that day when Noah was uploading the pictures to his laptop that he discovered that the moment was caught on camera. Luke was on Noah's back, arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders with his hands flat on his chest, kissing Noah on the cheek, and Noah was smiling widely. It was one of Noah's favorite memories at the pond.    
  
Noah kept flipping through the pictures, his heart breaking more and more as each shot of Luke passed. Luke smiling. Luke laughing. Luke sleeping. Luke making silly faces. Luke being Luke. Always beautiful.    
  
He knew that he shouldn't be doing this. He know he should just throw these pictures back into the shoebox and bury it deep into his closet or far underneath his bed. But he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop his mind from going through the rolodex of memories he made in Oakdale with the Snyders. With Luke.    
  
Noah kept flipping until the box was empty and they were all left in piles on Noah's floor. He stared down at all of the different pictures of Luke and smiled at the fact that no two were the same. In some he had brown hair, and in others he was blond. Sometimes he had long hair, and sometimes it was really short. He wore a whole spectrum of striped shirts with different colors and sizes, each fitting him perfectly.    
  
But despite all of the differences in appearance, Luke still had the same smile. He still had the same warm, brown eyes that carried Luke's zest for life and for living. And seeing that look and shine in Luke's eyes reminded Noah that he hadn't seen that sparkle since before his accident. He tried to deny it at the time, but when Noah woke up from his surgery and was able to see again, Luke had changed. He wasn't the man he knew and loved. Something was off, missing. He wasn't as warm, wasn't as playful. He seemed shielded and cautious, not typical traits for Luke to have, and Noah began to wonder what happened while he was sleeping.    
  
Looking back on it now, Noah should have known. He should have recognized the signs that he was no longer the only man in Luke's life. He should have felt Luke drifting away before he was so far gone that Noah couldn't reach out and pull him back. But he didn't, not entirely. He was so focused on the Luke that he always knew and wanted and loved and, with getting that Luke back, that he missed the Luke that was actually before him. The Luke that didn't want him anymore.    
  
And in the end, he lost him, and he lost his family.    
  
The Snyders were the only family Noah had ever had. When he had arrived to Oakdale and met Luke, they had welcomed him into their family and molded him into their lives. And when he fell in love with Luke, he fell in love with them, too. And Noah became addicted to the concept of family and what it meant to be a part of one. For the first time in his life, Noah felt like he was a part of something important.    
  
And now Noah was back to where he started. A new town with an unknown future and no family. All he had left were memories and a shoebox full of pictures of the family and the man who used to be his.    
  
Noah began to gather the pictures up and put them back into the shoebox, the memories still rolling around in his head. He stopped when he caught sight of a picture from two Christmases ago. It was of all the Snyder kids standing behind the counter in the kitchen with multitudes of colorful and sprinkle-filled cookies on display in front of them. Faith, Nat, and Sage were in the front with their elbows resting on the counter, their huge smiles radiating pride at their delicious creations. JJ and Parker were in the back next to Liberty, Parker getting so tall that he was practically towering over everyone else. Aaron and Luke were standing next to them in the middle, and Noah was on Luke's right, holding a frosting-faced Ethan in his arms.    
  
Noah stared at the picture for a long time. Everyone was smiling like there was nothing better in the world than decorating Christmas cookies and being together. And he couldn't help but feel that he looked like he belonged there, that standing next to Luke, them naturally leaning into each other, and holding little Ethan in his arms was right where he was supposed to be.    
  
But away from the picture, standing in his new bedroom in his new apartment in a new town, he didn't feel that way anymore. He didn't know where he belonged, and he didn't know if he would ever find a place or a family to belong to ever again.    
  
Noah took the photo out of the box, and then put the lid back on top. He set the shoebox on top of the other boxes and then slowly walked to his bed. He took a final look at the photograph before setting it down on the bedside table next to his alarm clock. Noah shut off the lights, climbed into bed, and closed his eyes, wondering if he would ever find another family that could capture his heart like the Snyders had.    
  
And if that family would actually last.    
  


************   
 

It was late the following morning when Noah and Aaron finally stepped out of their apartment to head to the beach. It was a warm, typical sunny California day, and being a Saturday, the beach was already crawling with people.    
  
The two of them walked down the beach, checking out the few shops and diners along the strip and getting familiar with their new area. Torrance Beach seemed to be a pretty popular area. With its pristine waters and its scenic cove backdrop, it seemed like the perfect place for people to come and just relax and for families to spend a lovely day in the sand together.    
  
Noah kept stealing glances at the water, getting excited for the time when he would actually get to go in it. He watched as children splashed each other and jumped the waves, and teenaged boys tossed footballs or threw Frisbees across the water. As he looked farther out from the shore, something caught his eye and he stopped walking to watch.    
  
A group of surfers was out in the water, riding the low waves on their boards and making it look so easy, as if they were dancing on the water. Noah had seen surfers before; he had used to watch them all the time when he lived in Hawaii with his father on base for a few months when he was little. But for some reason it never really had the appeal that it did now. It seemed like a challenge, and it was something new, and Noah was itching to try it.    
  
"Hey man," Aaron suddenly called to him from a few steps away. "You coming?"   
  
"Uh, yeah, sorry," Noah stammered, tearing his eyes away from the water and moving to catch up with Aaron.    
  
They continued to walk down the beach, talking casually and taking in the scenery. Noah couldn't help but think that this felt like being on a vacation, and he wondered how long it would take him to realize that this was going to be his new life now. Every day he would look out the window and see sand and sun and the ocean, and pretty soon the shine would wear off and it would become the norm.    
  
Soon, Noah and Aaron came up to a section of the beach that seemed to be filled with a lot more people, both on sand and in the water. Noah looked away from the water, and sitting just up the beach was an old beach hut. It had an archway that covered the entrance, and the building itself looked like it was a combination of two separate shops. The whole thing was surrounded by palm trees of various shapes and sizes, as well as other exotic-like plants and flowers that Noah didn't recognize.   
  
As they neared the shop, Noah was able to make out a red sign posted to the entryway of the shop. "Surf of Kan" was written in large white letters against the red background, with "Custom surfboards here!" written underneath. Noah's eyes shifted to the other side of the entrance where he noticed another sign with "Kona Café" and "Free Wi-Fi!" in the same colors and letters as the other one.    
  
A surf shop mixed with a coffee shop? To say Noah was intrigued would have been an understatement.   
  
Noah started straight for the shop, but stopped after a few steps when he realized that Aaron wasn't following him. He looked back him and found his roommate waving and smiling at a group of young girls just down the beach. Noah watched as the group of bikini-clad teens waved back and giggled suggestively at them. Noah couldn't stop his eyes from rolling.    
  
"Aaron," he called out, getting the attention of his friend. "Come on, I wanna check out the shop."   
  
Aaron glanced back at the group of girls, and then returned to Noah. "Um, why don't you go on in without me, man. I'll be in there in a sec…"   
  
"You're kidding, right?" Noah asked, raising his eyebrows at Aaron. "Those girls are barely out of high school, man!."    
  
"They also look totally hot!" Aaron retorted, and for a second Noah was reminded of Casey, as that was totally something that his friend back home would have said.    
  
_Home… no_ , Noah corrected himself.  _That's not my home any more,_ this _is my new home_ .   
  
Noah shook himself out of his thoughts, and focused back on Aaron, who was still staring and smiling at the girls. He sighed and muttered something about straight men being hopeless, before walking up to Aaron, grabbing his arm, and pushing him toward the Surf of Kan.    
  
"Hey! What are you doing? I was about to go make my move!"   
  
"Yeah well, you can make your move once those girls become legal in every state. Now, come on."   
  
Aaron soon relented and began to walk with Noah toward the surf shop. They passed under the entryway and trekked up the sand path. When they reached it, Noah held the door open for Aaron, and then followed him inside. He was immediately hit with the mixture of scents from the café. The air was filled with the smell of rich coffee and sweet pastries, and Noah found the smells – perfectly mixed with the fresh ocean air – to be intoxicating.    
  
The café was small but welcoming. Homey. In contrast to the outside of the old hut, the inside was very modern, with a new-age feel to it. The service counter was located on the left of the room, and directly next to it was a long display case full of a huge assortment of pastries that looked like they were made fresh from a bakery. The rest of the space was filled with small tables and a few overstuffed chairs, populated by quite a mix of people. Some sat in groups chatting, some typed away on laptops, and some lounged in the chairs, reading or doing homework. It didn't take long for Noah to figure out that SoK was one of the big hangout spots of Torrance Beach.    
  
Noah and Aaron stepped closer to the counter, but before they could get there, a large dog ran up to them. The dog stopped in front of them and started barking, her tail wagging excitedly as she panted. She was light brown with white patches on her body and covering her feet, and she had small ears and a fluffy tail. Noah didn't recognize the breed, and assumed that it must be some type of mix.    
  
"Hey there," Aaron said, kneeling down and sticking his hand out for the dog to sniff. The dog came closer, and upon getting a hint of Aaron's scent, deemed that he was allowed to pet. Noah watched Aaron lightly scratch the dog behind its ears, and decided to join him. He followed Aaron's lead and stuck his hand out for the dog to smell, and received a few light licks on his palm and fingers. He chuckled at the act, and then moved his hand along the length of the dog's back.    
  
A couple of minutes later, Noah and Aaron were still lavishing the dog with more rubbing and scratching when the door to the back room opened, and out stepped a beautiful young woman holding a tray of what looked like freshly baked turnovers.   
  
The woman was gorgeous. She was tall, with sun-kissed, deep tan skin and long brown hair that fell over her shoulders and down the center of her back. She had a kind face, with dark eyes and a warm smile. She reminded Noah of some of the local women he'd seen when he lived in Hawaii, and he wondered if maybe she was from there.   
  
The woman smiled widely at the sight of them petting the dog. "Kona! What are you doing, girl? Are you bothering these nice young men?" The woman set down her tray of pastries on the display before moving around the counter to stand in front of them. The dog immediately jumped up and ran to her side, barking and begging her for attention. She bent down and lightly patted her on the head, and then looked up at him and Aaron.    
  
" _E komo mai, malihini!"_  she said, Noah too distracted by her kind voice and smile to fully realize that she wasn't speaking English. "I've never seen you guys around here before! I'm Malia."   
  
Malia held out her hand and Noah shook it. "Noah," he said, smiling at her warmth. She smiled wider in response, and then moved her hand over to Aaron, holding it open for him to shake as well. Noah waited for Aaron to return her handshake, but it never happened. He looked up at his roommate's face, and found him standing completely still, just staring at Malia with his mouth slightly open.  _Oh, God_ , Noah thought, rolling his eyes.  _Hopeless, Snyder… you are hopeless_ .   
  
Noah loudly cleared his throat and nudged Aaron in the arm with his elbow.    
  
"Ow!" Aaron exclaimed, breaking from his stupor to look at Noah in confusion. "Hey! What was that fo…"   
  
"Malia, this is my roommate Aaron," Noah interrupted, smiling at her and tilting his head in her direction so that Aaron would get the hint. Aaron looked back at Malia and saw that her hand was held out in front of her, waiting to be shaken.    
  
"Oh! I'm… I'm sorry," Aaron said frantically, finally taking her hand and shaking it in earnest. "I'm Aaron… Aaron Snyder."    
  
"It's nice to meet you, Aaron," Malia said giggling. Noah watched as the two of them continued to stare at each other, their clasped hands moving up and down in a steady shake. It finally broke when a bark from Kona shook them from their apparent trance. Aaron quickly pulled his hand away and began to nervously rub it against his shorts. Noah did all that he could to stop from laughing at Aaron's obviousness, and decided to break the awkwardness to cover it up.    
  
"So Malia, what was it that you said before?" Noah asked her. "I don't think I understood you."   
  
"Oh, you mean 'e komo mai, malihini'? That means 'welcome, newcomers' in Hawaiian. I'm sorry about that. The language is so much a part of the norm around here that I forget that not everyone is going to know what…"   
  
"I loved it," Aaron announced, cutting her off. Noah internally groaned in embarrassment for his roommate and shook his head. He had never seen Aaron so flustered. He usually was very outgoing and charismatic, much like Casey, but with Malia, he was acting like a lovestruck teenager. making a fool out of himself in front of his crush.    
  
Luckily Malia didn't seem to mind Aaron's behavior. She just smiled wider and giggled at him, which Noah noticed caused Aaron to become even more nervous around her. "That's very sweet of you, thank you. Even though we don't live in Hawaii anymore, we like to still pretend that we do."   
  
"I can see that," Noah said, motioning around at the rest of the shop. "This place looks like a weird hybrid between a popular metro hangout, and an old beach hut. I keep expecting the Big Kahuna or Moondoggie to come waltzing in here any second."    
  
Noah laughed, but Aaron just stared at him blankly for a moment before grinning. "Is that some kinda ancient black and white reference that no one else has even thought about in the last sixty years, man?"    
  
"Hey! For your information man,  _Gidget_  was in color!"   
  
"Whatever you say, dude," Aaron said, raising his hands and then turning toward Malia. "Noah is an old movie buff. I don't think he's ever seen a movie that was made after 1980."    
  
"Hey! That's not true, and you know it, Snyder!"   
  
Malia giggled at the two men. "You two are quite entertaining. How long are you guys going to be in Torrance?" It wasn't lost on Noah how she specifically looked at Aaron when she asked them.   
  
"Oh, we moved here," Aaron told her enthusiastically, and Noah figured Aaron was just jumping at the opportunity to tell Malia that he was going to be sticking around. "We got an apartment just up the beach a ways."   
  
"Oh, really?" Malia said, her eyes focusing on Aaron and her voice rising a little in volume. "That's great! Why did you guys move here, of all places? You planning on becoming career beach bums?"   
  
"Well, I just got accepted…"   
  
"I'm gonna be going into business with my friend Donny at his shop," Aaron cut Noah off. Noah would have been upset if it wasn't so amusing. "I'm a mechanic. And Noah here just got accepted into grad school for film."   
  
"Ah, the movie reference makes sense now," Malia smiled at Noah, and Noah blushed. "Well, that's really exciting for you guys! Looks like you two are about to start a new chapter of your lives here. Where are you guys originally from?"   
  
"We're from a small town called Oakdale," Aaron explained. "It's in Illinois."   
  
"Oh! Talk about culture shock! You guys have entered pretty much the total opposite end of the spectrum from Small Town, USA."   
  
"Yeah, there are definitely no real beaches in Illinois," Noah said, glancing toward the surf shop. "Or surfing."   
  
"I would go crazy!" Malia laughed, shaking her head. "I can't imagine not living on the water. Not being able to breathe the sea air all the time. And not being able to surf…"   
  
"You surf?" Noah interrupted, his eyes suddenly sparkling with interest.    
  
"Of course I do!" Malia exclaimed. "When you're raised by a father who owns a surf shop and makes custom boards for a living, it's kinda inevitable. I think I spent more time in the water during my childhood than on land."   
  
"So your dad owns this place?" Aaron asked, looking around tentatively, as if expecting the man in question to pop out at any second.    
  
"Sure does," Malia said, a note of pride in her voice. "This place is his baby. He loves to surf, but making boards is his true passion. He likes to say that he thrives on helping others 'live up to their true, inner potential and help them gain complete fusion with the wave' or something like that, I don't know. I think he was smoking something when he told me."   
  
Malia said this as if it was the most common thing in the world, and Noah had to laugh. He immediately began to conjure up every stereotypical old beach hermit in his mind, and imagined Malia's father as one of them.    
  
"So what about this coffee shop?" Aaron asked. "Was this your father's idea, too? Seems kinda out of place hooked up to a surf shop."   
  
"Oh, the café was all my idea," Malia told them. "I told Pop that he would get more business if this place appealed to a much broader crowd and not just the surfers. So we built the addition and he runs the surfing end, while I run the café. Oh! Which reminds me… I've been a terrible host!"    
  
Malia spun away from them and stepped behind the counter. "Can I get you guys anything?"   
  
"Sure!" Aaron said, walking over to the counter. "You want anything, Noah?"   
  
"Um, actually..." Noah trailed off, glancing behind him to the other side of the shop. "I kinda wanted to go check out the surf shop, if that's cool with you."   
  
Aaron perked up when the realization that he was going to be left alone with Malia hit him. "Yeah! I mean… yeah, I think I'll be fine here by myself. You go ahead. Take as long as you need."   
  
Aaron threw him a quick thumbs up and mouthed "thank you!" before Noah turned away toward the surf shop, chuckling. He walked through the large doorway into the surf portion of the shop and heard the sound of a light patter of feet behind him. Noah turned around and saw Malia's dog – Kona, she called her – following at his heels.    
  
"Hey girl," he smiled at her, bending over to lightly scratch behind her ears. "You wanted to leave those two alone too, huh?" Kona gave him palm a lick, leaving a trail of doggy slobber on his skin. Noah laughed as he wiped the drool off on his shorts, and then stood up to explore the shop, beckoning Kona to follow him. 


	4. Chapter 4

This portion of the SoK was a lot different from the café. It was older, and a lot simpler in its décor. It was larger than the café and had brighter lighting. Even the music was different. Even so, both sides had the same unique feel and energy.    
  
Noah wandered through the shop, looking all around him. There were sections divided into men's wear and woman's wear, each with their respective swimsuits and common beach wear like board shorts and sun dresses. There were huge selections of flip flops and backpacks and towels, nearly all of the merchandise from top quality brands that even Noah recognized, like O'Neill and Quicksilver.    
  
He kept walking through the store, Kona still closely behind him, until he reached the back portion of the room. It was the section with all of the surfing gear, and it took up almost half of the entire shop. Noah slowed down his walk, and really began to look at everything with great interest.    
  
The shop had everything Noah imagined any surfer would need: suits, boards, leashes… and even things he didn't recognize, that the labels told him were traction pads or rash guards. Everything came in a variety of colors and sizes, and some had stylized designs that must have some meaning Noah didn't recognize.    
  
Noah was looking through everything in great detail: studying the wetsuits and reading on the tags what conditions each style was typically worn for. He had no idea that surfing seemed so elaborate. He thought that you just basically took a board, learned how to balance on it, and then took it out into the water and just went with the flow. He didn't know that each suit was designed for certain types of weather or water conditions, or that the material of the suits was not only used to protect from weather, but also to help move through the water. Noah quickly became fascinated with the idea.    
  
Moving past the suits and other gear, Noah finally made it over to the boards. Multiple rows of boards were stacked up in columns. There were so many different styles and shapes, Noah didn't even know where to start. Some boards were short and some were long. Some had round snouts and some were pointed. Some had small fins on the underside, and others were larger. Some were slightly curved upward on the edges, and others were completely flat.    
  
Noah stopped in front of a stack of boards that were pointed at the top, and reached out to grab a deep blue one. He lifted it with both hands out of the rack, and set it before him, gazing at it from top to bottom. It was a simple board, or so Noah assumed. It was blue throughout, without any patterns or designs other than the Hurley brand name printed right in the center. It stood just shorter than Noah's height, and had a black fin on the underside.    
  
Noah admired the board for a long while, before turning his eyes over to Kona. "I know you don't know me very well, but what do you think? Think I would look good on one of these?"    
  
Kona actually barked in response, which caused Noah to jump a little bit before he started laughing. He placed the board back onto the rack, and knelt down to once again pet Kona along her back. "I can tell that we are gonna be great friends, Kona…"   
  
"Is the lady bothering you?"   
  
Noah jumped up and swung around at the voice, his heart quickening. At the other end of the row stood a man who, judging by his appearance, could only be Malia's father. He had her same dark skin and hair, only his hair was much shorter and intermixed with strands of grey. He was wearing simple board shorts and a printed tee that said "Surf of Kan" on it in the font from  _Star Trek_ , and Noah could see the bottom half of some kind of tattoo peeking out from beneath his right sleeve. He was smiling at Noah, but Noah detected something that looked like suspicion in the man's eyes as he looked back.    
  
"Um, I'm sorry, what?"   
  
"I asked if my lady here was bothering you," he repeated, now walking down the aisle toward Noah, who had just realized that the man was barefoot. Noah found that he wasn't very surprised by this at all. He stopped just a couple feet in front of him, and Kona immediately turned to greet him, wagging her tail in excitement.    
  
"Oh, no, not at all," Noah answered. "She's great, actually. She was just keeping me some company as I looked around the shop."    
  
"She'll do that," the man chuckled, smiling adoringly at the dog. "She lives up to her namesake."    
  
"Her namesake?"   
  
"Yes,  _kona_  in Hawaiian means 'lady.' I think she's able to sense it, the meaning of her name. Even though she's a rescue, she's always been so well-behaved."   
  
"How are you allowed to have her? Aren't dogs not allowed to be on the beach?" Noah remembered seeing a sign to that effect as he and Aaron were walking down from their apartment.   
  
"Not technically, no." Malia's father smiled, and Noah caught a hint of mischief on his lips. "But let's just say that for me, they make an exception."    
  
Noah had a brief thought that Malia's father sounded like he was a part of some underground Hawaiian version of the mafia.    
  
"So what's your name, kid?" the man's voice cut through Noah's thoughts. "Haven't seen you around here before, so I assume you're new."    
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, sir," Noah said, holding out his hand. "I'm Noah. Noah Mayer. I just moved here yesterday."   
  
The man shook his head, laughing, as he took a hold of Noah's hand. "Do I look like someone that is normally called 'sir' to you? The name's Kan, kid... none of this 'sir' business."    
  
Noah thought that he sounded exactly like Holden. "Oh, right. Sorry. Old habit, I guess."   
  
"Ah, I see… military family."   
  
Noah's eyes widened. "How did you know that?"   
  
"I have a gift for reading people," Kan told him, still smiling at Noah in that weird way that made Noah wonder if he was high or something. "I'm pretty good at getting a good feel for them. Plus your posture is as straight as a long board, and only people who grew up around a chain of command call people 'sir'."    
  
Noah chuckled nervously and ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, I guess even after not living on a base for over four years, some stuff still sticks with you."    
  
Noah focused his gaze back on to the blue surf board that he was admiring just minutes prior, trying not to think about what "stuff" it was from his past and from his father that was still sticking to him and holding him back. Living in Oakdale and falling in love with Luke had helped him a lot, and even Noah couldn't deny the great progress that he's made since he came out of the Colonel's clutches. Finally admitting to himself who he was. Finally standing up for what he wanted and going after it. Finally able to let himself be vulnerable and fall in love with someone else.    
  
But he also couldn't deny that the effects of his previous life with his father still got to him. The lies that still controlled some of the thoughts in his brain. The lies that told him that he wasn't good enough, would never be good enough.    
  
"You ever surfed before?"    
  
"Huh?" Noah said, before what Kan asked him fully registered in his head. "Oh, surf? No I haven't. But I'm thinking about learning."    
  
"We offer free lessons here at the shop, if you're serious about it," Kan explained evenly, but Noah could tell by the look in his eye that he was trying to get him interested. It was working.    
  
"I just might have to take you up on that," Noah smiled, turning back to the surfboard he'd been admiring and running his hand down the side, feeling it out. He could feel Kan's eyes on him the whole time. "So Malia said you make custom boards?"   
  
"That's right. Learned from my father, the best board maker the isles ever saw." Kan's voice took on an air pride as he looked all around the shop. "He owned a shop like this, too. But it wasn't connected to a coffee shop, and it sure as hell didn't have all of that techno mumbo-jumbo littered all over it." Kan waved his hand toward the coffee shop, and Noah assumed that he was talking about the Wi-Fi.    
  
"Bet it didn't have all of this fancy surfing gear, either."   
  
"Hell no. Back then, all we sold were boards, suits, and wax. We didn't have wetsuits or traction pads, or any of this high tech commercial equipment that is so popular with the surf world nowadays. But I gotta sell all this stuff if I want to keep my business, ya know?"    
  
"Yeah," Noah agreed. "You have to keep up with the times to keep doing things that you love."   
  
"Ain't that the truth, kid," Kan smiled at him. "I had to learn all about those computer machines and cell phones. Malia said I needed to 'stay connected with the modern world' or else I would have been left behind. But I don't need all of that stuff. Just give me my girl, my shop, and the waves, and I have everything that I need."    
  
"That sounds really nice," Noah said. He started thinking about what Kan said, about his simplistic way of going about his life and his pleasures. Noah remembered the time when all he needed were his movies and Luke, and his life would be complete. No other combination of things could make him nearly as happy.    
  
But now he didn't have Luke anymore. He only had himself, his movies, and this new, unfamiliar setting. Before he arrived in California, he was dealing with this huge hole in his life that he had no idea how to fill. Maybe now that he had an idea of something new that could very well give him some of those old feelings back, things could go back to how they used to be. Or hell, maybe even get better.    
  
"Well, I better get back to work, kid," Kan said suddenly. "It was nice talking to you, Noah. If you are serious about learning to surf, I can get one of my guys to get you started. And who knows? Maybe someday you will get good enough and I can make you a board of your own. And if you ever need anything then let me know, I'm always around."    
  
"It was really nice meeting you, too," Noah told him genuinely. In only a few minutes of talking with the man, Noah already held a great respect for him. "And thank you, I really appreciate it."    
  
Kan threw him one last smile before turning around and whistling for Kona to follow him. Noah watched him leave, his bare feet hardly making a sound across the hardwood floor.    
  
Noah took one last look around the shop, his eyes glancing back and forth between the towels and the suits and the boards, and he suddenly wanted to immerse himself into this world. He didn't know why, but he felt comfortable here. He could easily picture himself out on the ocean on that blue board, riding the waves and becoming one with the wind and the water. He suddenly craved that, and was willing to do whatever it took to get it.    
  
And he knew exactly where to start.    
  
"Hey Kan, wait!" Noah said loudly, jogging through the aisle to catch up to the man. Kan stopped and turned around, that laid back smile still plastered on his aged face.    
  
"What's up, kid?"   
  
Noah took a deep breath, and then looked at Kan. "I want to take you up on your offer, and ask you for a favor."   
  
"Yeah? What can I do for you?"   
  
"Well," Noah began, throwing Kan a nervous smile. Impulsive wasn't usually Noah's territory. "I was wondering if maybe you could give me a job?"   
  


************   
 

_Nine months later…_   
  
The cab driver pulled up to the apartment complex and stopped right out front of the main entrance. Luke fished out his wallet and gave the cabbie the proper fare and a generous tip before opening the door and getting out of the stuffy car. As he stepped out, he was immediately hit with fresh ocean air. He took a deep breath, letting the sea-salty breeze calm him. Luke then turned to retrieve his bags from the cabbie who'd pulled them from the trunk and turned toward the building in front of him, barely hearing the cab drive away. Luke dug through his pocket and took out a small slip of paper. He was definitely at the right place.    
  
"Number 207," he mumbled to himself before slipping the note back into his jeans. He gripped the strap of his messenger bag tighter on his shoulder, picked up his suitcase, and then began to make his way up to Aaron's apartment.    
  
Aaron had off-handedly given him an open invite to come visit whenever he wanted months ago, but Luke never thought that he actually would. He had work at his foundation to do, and he knew that sooner or later the next Snyder Family Crisis would hit, and he would have to be there to weather the storm. But life had a knack for throwing twists at you. Or, in Luke's case, throwing nothing at all.    
  
Ever since he broke up with Reid and Noah left town, he'd been at a standstill. For the first time since Noah came to Oakdale and turned his world upside down, Luke had no idea what to do with his life. Even two summers ago, when he was debating on going back to college or going to work for Damian at Grimaldi Shipping, he didn't feel this lost or confused. Because he had Noah back then, and even if his professional career was in doubt, his relationship with Noah wasn't. And as long as he had Noah, they could figure it out together. It was their life, after all.    
  
But now he had nobody--Noah or Reid--to help him figure things out. He had no direction, no clear-cut idea of what he wanted. He still had his foundation, and he loved it, he really did. But he didn't get inspired with it anymore like he used to. Like back when he and Noah would sit around the coffee table in the living room and brainstorm together. Even though it was still helping people, he wasn't coming up with any new or creative ideas for it, and working on it felt like a chore. He didn't want to feel that way about something that he created and nourished and poured so much love into.    
  
So he decided that he needed a break. A vacation. He realized that he couldn't even remember the last time he took time off to just de-stress and relax. He'd been using the foundation as a distraction, but it was no longer serving its purpose, and after months of being in this lull, he needed to get out of there, out of Oakdale.    
  
He called up Aaron and, much to their mutual surprise, decided to take him up on his offer to visit. Time away from Oakdale to chill with his brother on the beach in California seemed like a great idea. He could relax, renew, and get recharged for whenever he went back to the foundation, and have a good time with his brother in the process. That's what this trip was about.    
  
He kept having to tell himself that it was not about being close to Noah. It wasn't.    
  
It wasn't lost on Luke how this was the closest he'd been to Noah in months. Well, physically anyway. He had gotten a few generic e-mails from him here and there, telling him about his classes and his film projects, but nothing beyond that. He kept trying to ask Aaron about Noah, but whenever he had asked his brother, the only information he could get out of him was "He's good, Luke" or "He's keeping himself busy." Nothing of any real substance.    
  
He had played with the idea of just finding out how Noah was doing himself, but had decided against it every time. It didn't feel right. Noah had a life here now, and Luke wasn't going to just go running back to him just because things in his own life had gone to hell. So he gave up that idea, but then his mind conjured up the image of randomly running into him one day while he was there, as an act of fate. But he shook that thought off, too. It was childish and too Disney and would never happen in a city as big as Los Angeles.    
  
Plus, this trip wasn't about Noah. It wasn't.    
  
Luke climbed the flight of stairs and followed the plaques on the hallway wall until he stood right outside 207. He raised his hand to knock when a piece of paper that was taped to the door caught his eye. He ripped it off the wood, recognizing his brother's sloppy chicken scratch immediately.    
  
_"Hey bro! Sorry I'm not here to meet you! We are all hanging out at Surf of Kan! Come join us!"_   
  
Below the writing was a barely legible drawing of a map leading from Aaron's apartment to whatever this Surf of Kan place was. It wasn't that far away, just a short walk down the beach, but Luke had to admit that he was a little annoyed that Aaron wasn't there to greet him. Still, he adjusted the straps of both his bags before turning around and making his way back downstairs.    
  
The mid-afternoon sun was blazing as Luke trudged along the sand, Aaron's sloppy map clutched tightly in his hands. The uneven mounds of sand made it very awkward to walk through with both of his bags, and his tennis shoes certainly weren't helping with his balance, not to mention he was pretty sure they were filling more and more with sand after each step.    
  
As he walked along Torrance Beach, he took in his surroundings. The water was clear and blue, shining like crystal in the sun. Children were laughing and splashing each other in the water, while their parents sat up higher on the beach and watched them with amusement. Sun bathers and beach bums were sprawled out on their chairs or towels, soaking in the rays and adding to their already deep, sun-touched skin. Out farther in the water, Luke could make out the small shapes of surfers on their boards, riding the waves with ease and finesse.    
  
Up on the opposite end of the beach next to where Luke was walking, he passed an assortment of little shops and beach huts and other apartment complexes much like Aaron's. Luke had to laugh because it all seemed so stereotypical Californian. Small beach diners with Beach Boys and Bob Marley tunes drifting out of their doors, vendors selling souvenir sea shells and beach towels, seagulls circling ahead trying to steal scraps of potato chips… take all these and add them to the giant cove that framed the background of Torrance Beach, and you got yourself a typical California hot spot.    
  
As Luke slowly made his way down the beach, he couldn't help but feel out of place. His pressed khaki shorts and dark green polo didn't exactly blend in with the rest of Torrance attire. For one thing, the fact that he was even wearing a shirt made Luke feel like he was sticking out like a sore thumb. Others had obviously thought it did too, considering every time Luke looked up, he was catching people's confused stares. Apparently, being fair skinned and fully clothed was a rarity, and the fact that he was hauling two bags with him wasn't helping. He tore his eyes away from them, trying to hide his slight embarrassment and to also not give them a chance to meander on over to him wondering if he was lost.    
  
Before too long, Luke found himself standing in front of a rather bizarre looking surf shop. A big red sign greeted him with the words "Surf of Kan" written in white paint, and he knew he had found the right place. It had a different feel to it than the other shops he had passed along the beach, but he couldn't really put a finger on why. It had the same old Hawaiian hut vibe, but with a modern edge.   
  
Luke was about to go up the path into the shop to meet Aaron when a dog came running out of the door. It bounded down the sandy entranceway toward the beach, but came to a stop when it spotted Luke. Luke smiled at the dog as it panted and wagged its tail enthusiastically.   
  
She was a beautiful dog. He wasn't sure why he thought she was a she, but he did. She had soft brown fur and a white belly, and her ears were short and pointed upward, framing her long face. Her long legs had patches of white at the bottom of her paws that made it look like she was wearing socks. Luke thought she was utterly adorable.    
  
"Hey girl," he said softly, setting down his bags in the sand and then kneeling close to the ground. He smiled kindly as he reached his arm out toward the dog. "C'mere girl!"   
  
Without waiting a second, the dog trotted forward, tail wagging in full force as she got to Luke. She sniffed his hand and gave him small licks in greeting while Luke petted lightly over her short fur and scratched behind her ears and under her chin. She really seemed to like that. He brought up both of his hands to cradle each side of her face, rubbing her playfully, and she seemed to lean contentedly into Luke's touch.    
  
A few joyous moments passed with Luke happily scratching her ears and rubbing her belly, before suddenly she turned away from Luke and looked down the beach. She stilled for barely a second before she let out a few barks and took off. Still crouched, Luke turned to follow her gaze, when everything froze.    
  
A man was striding up the beach, water droplets cascading down his body, causing his sun-kissed skin to shimmer in the sunlight. Luke watched the man's leg muscles flex as he walked swiftly through the sand, and he caught a hint of what looked like black ink on his calf. Luke's gaze continued upward, rising past the man's muscular thighs to his hips. He was wearing a kind of half wetsuit, with the top part curled down at the waist to reveal his smooth torso.    
  
And what a torso it was. Once Luke passed his slim but defined hips, taking a second to make note of another dark tattoo placed right into the curve of his right pelvic line and stretching up toward his back, he set his eyes on the man's washboard stomach. More water droplets were sliding down the crevices between his toned abs, and Luke found himself wanting to lick the water right off of it, salty or not.    
  
His gaze continued to rise up to his chest, his pectorals and broadened shoulders causing Luke's mouth to water. Those wide shoulders led into  _holy-fuck-me_  long, muscular arms that Luke suddenly wanted to be wrapped up in forever. The left arm was wrapped around a long surfboard, and Luke spotted yet another band of dark ink melted into the tanned skin of his bulging bicep.    
  
His eyes made the final trek up his neck to see the man whip his head from side to side. Everything seemed to go into slow motion as droplets of water flew off of the dampened dark brown locks, and Luke had to close his eyes for a moment to get his wits about him. It was probably one of the sexiest images he had ever seen.    
  
When he opened them again, the man was bent down petting the dog lightly on the head, her tail wagging in even more fury than before. Luke slowly began to rise from his crouching position, all the while keeping his eyes focused on the man and the dog.    
  
And then it happened.    
  
The man's gaze left the dog's and locked on with his. There was a quick flash of deep blue, and Luke felt like he was being kicked in the chest by a raging bull. This wasn't just some random surfer coming in from the beach, carrying a surfboard and looking like sex on legs.    
  
It was Noah. 


	5. Chapter 5

Noah ran.    
  
It had gotten to be a morning habit for him, waking up just before dawn and creeping out of the apartment without waking Aaron. He wouldn't even put shoes on. Just shove his keys into the pocket of his shorts and take off for the beach.    
  
Running on sand was a better workout than pavement anyway, he'd always heard. And running on the beach, with the waves on one side of him and the sun just rising on the other? There was no better sight, so different from what running in Oakdale had been. He told himself that this was why he woke up so early. It wasn't because sleeping more than five or six hours was kind of a chore sometimes. It wasn't because this was the quietest, most solitary part of his day.    
  
No. It was so Noah could spend even more time by the ocean. In the months since he and Aaron had moved here, Noah had become hopelessly addicted. It was amazing. And it wasn't like he'd never spent time near the water before, but that had been while growing up on a base, where he was constantly walled in by curfews and rules and… everything.   
  
Now, the ocean was like freedom. It was endless. Noah could look at it and look at it, and never see the end. Like as long as he was by the ocean, there was no way anyone or anything could box him in. He was never trapped, because the water provided an escape. It was comforting sometimes. And every morning he could get out, before the shops opened and before the beachgoers claimed their spots, and he could run alongside it like he was the only person in the world. Sometimes that was comforting too.   
  
The sun was still peeking up halfway from the horizon when Noah made the last turn towards his and Aaron's apartment. He had to cut the run a little short today- only three miles- so he could get to the opening shift at the shop.    
  
He slowed to a jog, waving and nodding to a couple familiar faces as they made their way to the beach, smiling at the people who called out greetings to him. Living in Oakdale may have taught him the meaning of 'family,' but living at Torrance Beach had taught him the meaning of 'community.' He liked it.   
  
Turning into the tiny front yard of their apartment, he stopped to say hi to Don and Kathy, the elderly couple next door, and then grabbed the paper on his way in. He went through the rest of his morning routine- made a pot of coffee, left the paper on the table for Aaron (sports page on top), then took a quick shower and changed for work. One of the best things about the shop was the lack of dark green t-shirts required to work there. Noah could just throw on some board shorts and any old t-shirt and be ready to go. Sometimes he didn't even need the shirt.   
  
It was close to eight in the morning by the time he left the apartment (banging three times on Aaron's door to make sure he woke up in time for his own job), and he made it to the shop fifteen minutes later. "Morning," he called out as he slipped in through the side door.    
  
As always, the first one to greet him was Kona, springing up from her little doggy bed to sniff at his hands and beg for a treat. He tossed her a biscuit from the nearby jar and then stood, brushing slobber and crumbs off his fingers as he did.   
  
"I gotta tell you, Omilu, I'm concerned," a voice commented from his left.    
  
"About what?" Noah didn't bother turning to look at his friend, instead grabbing an apron and heading into the coffee bar.   
  
It didn't matter, because Rob followed him in. "This is like Day 253 that you've been working here. And you have yet to come in late. You know, they have a word for people like that."   
  
"Punctual?" Noah supplied absentmindedly, washing his hands quickly before turning on the heaters for the coffee pots and counting in the register.   
  
"Nah, man.  _Weird_ . You live your life by the clock too damn much. It's fucking weird." He shook his head sadly at Noah.   
  
Noah snorted. "You're just jealous that you never learned how to tell time. It's okay, Rob. It's nothing to be ashamed of."   
  
Rob punched him affectionately on the shoulder. "Asshole." Then he turned his nose up airily. "I don't need a clock. I only know two times- low tide and high tide. That's all I need- hey!"   
  
He jumped when someone smacked him on the back of the head. "How about opening and closing time, huh?" Malia shoved him back towards the shop. "You have fifteen minutes to have that register upfront counted,  _kolohe_ . Get to it." Malia referred to everyone as 'rascal' at some point, but Rob seemed to get it the most.   
  
Rob saluted lazily. "Yes ma'am, boss lady." He ducked just in time to avoid another smack from her, and headed over to the merchandise counter with a wave to Noah.   
  
Malia rolled her eyes. "The only reason he's on time is because Pop let him sleep here last night."   
  
Noah shrugged with a smile. "Better here than that park bench like last time."   
  
"True," she sighed. Then she smiled, gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "How's my favorite employee this morning?"   
  
He smiled. "How's my favorite boss?"   
  
Malia pinched his arm. "Nice deflection of an answer there." She put on her own apron and started heating up the ovens for the pastries- her specialty. "Speaking of Pop, have you seen him yet this morning?"   
  
"No, why?" He went to the door, flipped around the 'Closed' sign to 'Open,' and turned on the radio on his way back to the counter.   
  
She ducked her head out of the kitchen. "He made a new board last night. Wants you to try it sometime today," she winked at him, echoing the giddy grin he couldn't hide.   
  
"Really?" It was Noah's favorite perk of working here. Instead of Java with its state-law-required fifteen minute break, just enough time to grab his own coffee and sit at a corner table, at SoK he had an hour to grab his board and hit the waves.    
  
"I think he made it especially for you, hon. And those freakishly long legs of yours," Malia teased.   
  
He blushed a little, rolling his eyes. "You're just jealous," he mumbled, an attempt at a comeback. He blushed even more when she laughed at him and went back to her baking. The first group of regulars started coming in then, so he was spared more teasing.    
  
This was his other favorite perk- Malia, Kan, and the rest of the crazy people he called friends- Rob, Taj, Shane and his sister Sadie, Julian. He and Aaron had been welcomed into the group almost from Day 1, and Noah didn't know how he would have survived without them. They were there for everything and anything he and Aaron needed.    
  
Hell, he had even spent the holidays with them. Aaron had gone to Seattle to visit his mom for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and somehow Noah had ended up sleeping on the couch in Taj's apartment, having holiday feasts with the gang, learning how to make pineapple cakes and banana-leaf roasts from Malia, learning (after a lot of hesitancy, a lot of teasing, and a lot of convincing) how to roll a perfect joint from Kan.    
  
Kan was like the Godfather, Tommy Chong, and Andy Griffith wrapped up in one old Hawaiian man. He looked after their little group, somehow keeping them all in line. And Malia may be his daughter, but she was a caretaker too. And she relished the role. She  _loved_  telling them all what to do.    
  
"Hey,  _nohea!_  Wake up, Noah, we got customers," Malia snapped a finger in his face, breaking him out of his thoughts.    
  
"Sorry," he smiled, went back to the coffee pots and started pouring. "And quit calling me that. Your boyfriend will get jealous."   
  
"Why? You are handsome. Even Aaron can admit that." She shook her head. "I swear, you need to get more sleep. You wouldn't be all daydreamy if you were getting proper rest. If that roommate of yours is keeping you up late-"   
  
Case in point, Noah thought to himself, fighting back a wider grin. "No, Malia. Aaron's a great roommate. And you would know this if you would just move in with him like the both of you want."   
  
"Hey," she somehow managed to give him a stern look even as she focused on setting her pastries out for sale. "That's not what we both want. And where would that leave you if Aaron and I moved in together?"   
  
He shrugged. "I'll manage. I can move in with Jules, or," and here he smiled. "Or with your dad."   
  
Malia laughed loudly, attracting the attention of a couple customers. She waved them away, then pinched Noah on the arm again. "Sad thing is, he'd probably love that. Now get back to work."   
  
"Yes ma'am, boss lady," he echoed Rob's words from earlier.   
  
A few hours later, and Noah could hardly wait for his break. At 12:30 on the dot, he pulled his apron off, said a quick hi to the girl starting the mid shift, and headed into the back of the building where Kan's workshop was.   
  
The sound of a sandbelter greeted him when he stepped in, along with the smells of sandalwood, sawdust, and surfwax. A one-of-a-kind bouquet. Kan was busy sanding a board and didn't notice him at first, until he waved away a cloud of dust and got Kan's attention.    
  
"Omilu, there you are!" Kan turned off the tool and pulled the safety goggles away from his face, beckoning Noah closer. "I got something for you to try out."   
  
"Yeah?" he couldn't stop his voice from turning eager, that Christmas morning Can-I-open-my-presents-now?-tone creeping in.   
  
Kan just smiled, proud and victorious. "I finished it last night, an eight and a half footer." He pulled a fresh old-school wooden board from the rack on the wall. "It's a little short for a long board, so it has more flexibility in the water, but still stable and easygoing. I think it might be a match for you."   
  
"Awesome," Noah took the board from him gently, examining it, running a finger along the tribal logo that represented Surf of Kan. Kan had a tendency to treat his handmade boards like they were spirit animals or something, wanting them to match the soul of the rider. Noah didn't really get any of it, but he loved testing them out whenever he got a chance. "Thanks, Kan."   
  
Kan exhaled loudly, something he did whenever anyone thanked him. "Don't thank me yet, let's see it in the water first!" He shooed Noah out of the workshop.   
  
Noah took a minute to change into a spring suit (the water was supposed to be warmer today, no need for a full long wetsuit), and then charged out of the shop, heading right for the shoreline. Rob was already out there, enjoying his own break, and he gestured for Noah to join him.   
  
They stayed out on the water, catching a few waves until Rob had to be back on shift, and then they paddled in. Once he reached the shore, Noah unzipped and pulled down the top half of his spring suit, already feeling the sun's rays hitting him hard. Another nice perk of living here- he no longer held the title of Palest Person on the Planet.   
  
He hefted the board under his arm, a little excited. This was one of Kan's best boards yet, and he couldn't wait to tell him the good news. He looked around, shaking the water out of his hair and eyes, expecting to see Kan standing out by the shop waiting for him. But there was no one, just some guy crouched down petting Kona.   
  
He smiled when Kona came running up to him a few seconds later, sniffing and wiggling excitedly. "Hey darlin'," he said softly, trying to pat her with his free hand. She latched onto the part of his wetsuit that was hanging down, chewing and pulling on it, until he laughed and freed himself from her teeth.    
  
Out of the corner of his eye he saw the guy who had been petting Kona stand up, so he turned towards him, smile still in place. "Kona, who's your fr--?" And then he stopped. Because it wasn't just 'some guy' standing here. In front of his shop. At his beach. In California.   
  
It was Luke.   
  


************   
 

He swallowed hard, willing himself not to throw up. Oh God. Luke was  _here_ . Standing right in front of him. Looking way more beautiful than he had any right to be. Sure, when Noah thought about him, he always looked this amazing. But that was in Noah's thoughts, where Luke was supposed to stay.   
  
He wasn't supposed to be in California. He wasn't supposed to look so happy, so confident, so  _Luke_ . It was like being struck by lightning and doused with cold water at the same time. It was like that rush of terror the first time he tried to catch a wave, when you're supposed to be in control but you know you're a centimeter away from complete chaos.   
  
He just stared, unable to speak, unable to move closer or farther away. He took in Luke's clothes, the khaki shorts, the polo shirt. They were new clothes, ones Noah had never seen before, and for some reason that bothered him. Maybe he thought Luke's life would be frozen in time if he wasn't around.   
  
But that obviously wasn't the case. Luke looked… incredible. Older. He looked professional, and he damn sure didn't look like he might still be thinking about an ex-boyfriend. He seemed like he was doing just fine with the one he had now. Hell, he  _looked_  like a hot successful doctor's hot successful boyfriend. While Noah probably looked like a bum who couldn't even…   
  
Interrupting his own train of thought, Noah had to look away. Anywhere. Luckily Kona was still there begging for attention, now trying to chew on his ankle leash. He tugged it free of her grip, and yet when he looked back up at Luke, Luke was still staring at him and looking just as shocked as he felt.   
  
Time stretched endlessly between them, but Noah couldn't get himself to speak. Luckily, of course, Luke could. "Hello Noah."   
  
And it made him want to fall to his knees under the weight of that, under the weight of hearing that voice again and hearing his name spoken from those lips again. But he locked his knees, stood a little straighter, and tried to smile. "Hello Luke."   
  


************   
 

It was the half-smile that nearly ripped Luke to pieces. Suddenly this rock-hard, surfer-god, holy-hell hot guy was Noah again. A part of Luke thought it would be easier if he'd stayed a stranger, because seeing that same tiny smile on the mouth he used to kiss took Luke back through a clip reel of memories, a montage of him and Noah.   
  
He needed a distraction, quick. Nodding to the mutt still clamoring for Noah's attention, he unknowingly echoed Noah's earlier words. "Who's your friend?"   
  
Noah's face softened briefly as he looked down at the dog, petting her again. Luke couldn't help but smile when she nuzzled into his hand. (He knew the feeling.) "Oh, Kona's kind of the shop mascot, I guess."   
  
"Kona?" he asked, wrinkling his nose in confusion.    
  
"It means 'lady' in Hawaiian. Kan, the guy who owns the shop? He's Hawaiian," Noah was stumbling on his words a little. Hesitant and almost awkward. Seeing these 18-year-old-Noah mannerisms in this 23-year-old-Noah body was almost painful. He couldn't ignore it--Noah had grown up. Noah was still in part the same guy he had always loved, but not completely. And  _that_  was almost terrifying. What if he...?   
  
"What are you doing here?" were the next words that stupidly burst out of him. He mentally rolled his eyes at himself. As though Noah was the one who didn't belong here, instead of J. Crew Luke.   
  
Noah looked momentarily thrown by the question too, but he answered straightforwardly. "I'm on break," he gestured awkwardly to the coffee bar attached to the surf shop.   
  
Luke's eyes widened. "You work here?"   
  
"Um, yeah?" somehow it came out as a question. Noah pulled himself away from Kona again and headed over towards a side entrance to the building. His shoulders were angled open just enough for Luke to know he could follow alongside. "Have been since we got the apartment."   
  
A cold wave washed over him, starting in the pit of Luke's stomach. Apartment... "We?" He told himself he had no reason or right to freak out if Noah was a part of a 'we'--a real 'we'--that didn't involve Luke.   
  
"Aaron and I." Noah leaned his board against the wall of the building, unhooking the leash thing from around his ankle. When he turned back around, Luke tried to concentrate on the confused look on his face and not the way those tattoos seemed to fucking glimmer in saltwater and sunlight. The way his arms--God, those arms Luke still fantasized about--so effortlessly moved and flexed. Strong and graceful.   
  
If it had been anyone but Noah, Luke would've thought he did it on purpose. But that wasn't Noah, not even this possibly new version, Luke was sure of that. Noah didn't put himself on display. The thought would never even cross his mind.   
  
And then Luke registered what he had said. "So you and Aaron--"   
  
At the same time, Noah was frowning. "Aaron didn't tell you we--?"   
  
They stared at each other for a moment before Luke offered up a pained smile of his own. "And I'm guessing he didn't tell you I was coming to visit, did he?"   
  
Noah visibly fought back whatever reaction he wanted to give, obviously noticing Luke's bags for the first time. "No. H-he didn't."   
  
Luke opened his mouth to… apologize? He wasn't sure, but before he could, that side door swung open, and two people spilled out of the shop. One he recognized right away as his brother. The other was an incredibly gorgeous girl with the friendliest smile he'd ever seen. Judging by his brother's descriptions, this had to be Malia.   
  
Neither of them noticed Luke at first, immediately pouncing on Noah. Literally, in Malia's case. "Well?" she wrapped her arms around Noah's neck, momentarily blocking Luke's view of his face. And for just a second, Luke really irrationally wanted to hate her for it. "How was it?"   
  
Noah was still staring in Luke's direction, and had to shake himself. He smiled at Malia, a real smile, a Noah smile, and relaxed a little. "Oh, um, good. His best yet, I think. Still not sure if it's right for me, or if I should try again, but--"   
  
"Holy shit!" Aaron cut in, finally noticing who was standing there with him. "Dude, you made it!" He grabbed Luke and pulled him into a fierce hug. Over his shoulder, Luke saw Malia turn, one arm still around Noah. Luke hugged his brother back, though part of his brain was still twisting around Noah's words.  _Still not sure if it's right for me, or if I should try again_ ...   
  
"Yeah, I made it," he answered softly, still halfway looking at the guy who wasn't his anymore.   
  
Aaron followed his gaze, and either pretended he didn't know who Luke was looking at or thought he was looking at someone else. "Malia," he beckoned her over. "This is Luke."   
  
Malia smiled right away, but there was a tiny hint of  _something_  on her face. "Luke, your brother?" she clarified. The arm around Noah tightened just a little, causing Luke to wonder what and how much she knew about him. Them. Everything.   
  
Still, he put on his best smile, stepping closer to her. "Luke, his brother," he confirmed. "Hi."   
  
Her little reaction, whatever it had been, was gone. "Hi Luke!" she grinned warmly, grasping his hand for just a second before pulling him into a hug. "It's nice to finally meet you."   
  
"You too," he replied, genuinely smiling now. He couldn't help it, this girl's warmth was infectious.    
  
Aaron clapped him on the back, picking up one of his bags. "Hey, come on. I'll take you back to the apartment to drop this stuff off, then we can hit the town. I only had a half-day at work, so we can grab some food, I'll show you the sights, what do you say?" He shooed Kona away from the other bag, which she was experimentally sniffing and trying to dig through.   
  
"Um, sure," Luke glanced at Noah, wondering if this meant he'd be joining them.   
  
And either Malia was psychic, or she could read the slight panic on both their faces. "Wish we could come too," her arm went around Noah again, "but we've still got a couple hours to finish in the shop. But hey, the twins are throwing a bonfire party tonight. We'll have to hang out then!" She sent a pointed look Aaron's way, one Luke couldn't decipher, and one he was pretty sure Aaron couldn't either.   
  
Both Snyders were saved from having to answer by the arrival of several more bodies crashing through the door Aaron and Malia had exited. Talking loud and fast, the three guys almost ran right through them before stopping.    
  
One of them, looking about his and Noah's age with dark hair and olive-bronze skin, punched Noah's arm. "How was the board?"   
  
"Oh man, dude rode it like a pro!" the blond skater-type next to him piped up, throwing his own arm around Noah's shoulder. He looked a little older, maybe the same age as Aaron? The three guys grinned widely at Noah, talking and teasing and crowding around him.   
  
Luke involuntarily took a step back, which was a little strange. Normally he was fine in any social situation, could talk his way into or out of anything, but now? Now, he was out of his element. (Not including the fact that he looked like a Gap Khaki commercial waiting to happen while everyone else was SoCal cool.)    
  
The problem was that this was obviously Noah's element, and Luke wasn't in it. It hurt more than he thought it would. He still couldn't half believe that he was actually  _seeing_  Noah. He hadn't planned this. He hadn't prepared for this.   
  
"Hey!" the blond one finally noticed him. "Who's the  _haole_ ?"   
  
Luke wasn't sure whether or not to be insulted by that, and was leaning towards the latter as Aaron shook his head and the third guy, who looked possibly Hawaiian, smacked him on the back of the head. "I don't think you can call anyone  _haole_ , White Boy," the guy said, his voice soft, calm. Then he turned to Luke, smiling. "Hey. I'm Taj."   
  
Luke shook his head, relaxing a little. "Luke."   
  
Taj's smile widened. "The younger Snyder brother? Awesome!" he jerked his head over his shoulder. "Don't mind Rob. He forgets to think before he speaks half the time."   
  
"Hey!" the blond--obviously Rob--protested.   
  
The other guy, the one who had punched Noah, spoke up. "And he forgets he's white the other half the time." He stepped forward with a grin that was big and goofy and reminded Luke so much of Noah's that it was almost a shock. "I'm Julian. Nice to meet you, Luke."   
  
Malia cut in just as Luke was wondering how he was going to keep all these names straight. "Alright, how about we all stop overwhelming the poor guy. Besides, don't some of you have _work_  to get to?" She eyed Rob and Taj critically.   
  
Rob held up his hands. "That's where we're headed, Luna. There's a group of loud, whiny-ass eight year olds out here dying for their surf lessons. We promise we won't let any drown this time." Taj smiled next to him, grabbing his arm and hauling him away before Malia could yell at him. Rob waved as they headed to the shoreline. "See ya later Abercrombie!" he called out to Luke.   
  
Luke tried not to flush with embarrassment and tried not to stare as Julian put a hand on Noah's shoulder, squeezing it. "You alright, Omilu? You're looking a little…"   
  
Noah smiled shakily, shook his head. "No, I'm fine."   
  
Julian eyed him, a little concerned. "You sure?"    
  
His hand was still on Noah's shoulder, and Luke had to fight the urge to knock it away territorially. Or snap at Noah to put a shirt on, so this Julian guy couldn't touch his bare skin. And that rocked Luke back almost physically. Was this maybe Noah's boyfriend? This super-cool, super-nice surfer guy, touching his shoulder, calling him nicknames?   
  
He missed whatever Noah's reply was, but Julian must have bought it because he squeezed Noah's shoulder one more time before letting go. "All right. See you guys tonight at the bonfire!" He waved, smiled at Luke one more time, and headed off towards the nearby parking lot.   
  
Luke watched him go, then turned to look at Noah. Who was looking anywhere but at Luke. "Um," Noah cleared his throat, biting his lip. Luke drew a little comfort and a little pain from the familiarity of that gesture. "I have to get back to work, so…" he finally locked eyes with Luke, unsure. "I guess I'll see you later?"   
  
"Yeah," Luke answered quietly. "See you." And then in one of the most awkward moments Luke had experienced in a long time, Aaron dragged him in one direction while Malia pulled Noah in the other. Well. Getting pulled in opposite directions. Luke guessed that wasn't exactly new for them.   
  


************   
 

"So that's pretty much it, bro," Aaron made a large sweeping motion with one hand, his other reaching into the beat-up metal fridge.   
  
"It's nice," Luke answered, lamely. It was true, the place was nice. Not in a particularly aesthetically pleasing way, but hey--it was a garage. It was supposed to look like this. And really, Luke was so fucking proud of his brother, regular words failed him.   
  
Aaron's friend Donny had built this garage from scratch, and in the short period of time since Aaron had joined it was doing really well. It apparently helped that Torrance Beach had so many automotive companies based there, and mechanics were in high demand. Aaron was obviously loving every minute of it, and Luke couldn't be happier for him.   
  
They had just finished up a tour of the place and now, chowing down on the food they had grabbed at a Mexican place around the corner, was the first moment they were really able to sit down and talk since Luke arrived. Since Luke saw Noah. The name had yet to be mentioned between him and Aaron.   
  
Aaron pulled out a bottle of root beer and a bottle of actual beer, handing the root beer to Luke. "Come on, let's go on up to my office." He said it with a grin that told Luke exactly where they were headed. Up on the roof of the garage, where a couple of lounge chairs and patio furniture were strewn about, along with a barbeque set and a stereo. Luke shook his head. Aaron's office. Of course.   
  
Once they were settled down and the food half-gone, Luke decided it was time to try talking about what he was dying to talk about. Though it would be even better if Aaron said it first, so he tried to ease into the conversation. "So, like, does everyone speak Hawaiian here?"   
  
Aaron look confused for a second, but then his face cleared and he laughed. "Malia and her dad are kinda the wranglers of our little group. Everyone's picked up on some of the language from them. And Taj, he's Hawaiian too. But not related to them."   
  
"Is that why they called--"  _Don't say his name yet, don't say his name_ ."--Malia by some other word? Luna?"   
  
He laughed again. "Well, everyone in the group has their own nickname, you know? Malia's is Luna, it means 'boss.' Because she is, obviously."   
  
"Obviously in more than just work," Luke teased. "You're whipped."   
  
"Oh, I so am," Aaron agreed amiably. "Happily. It's worth it."   
  
Luke almost flinched. He felt that way at one time. "So what's some of the other nicknames in this group? What's yours?" he asked, hoping his voice didn't sound as rough out loud as it did in his own head.   
  
Aaron grinned. "Well, Rob's is Kekipi. Means 'rebel.' Not at all a surprise once you get to know him. And Taj, his is Halai, which is the word for 'calm.' Also not a shock once you know him."   
  
Luke kept quiet, noticing that Aaron didn't tell him his. Or anyone else's in the group. Including...   
  
His brother sighed. "And since I know you're dying to ask but won't, I'll just tell you. Noah's is one of the Hawaiian words for 'blue.' There."   
  
"Omilu," Luke murmured to himself, recalling what Julian had called him. He didn't dare ask what Julian's nickname was. It was probably Hawaiian for 'best boyfriend ever' or 'Noah's lover' or something equally depressing. "So, um, how's Noah doing?"   
  
Aaron fixed him with a hard stare, a Holden-Snyder-stare, and didn't answer for a moment. "He's doing... he's fine. Better each day."   
  
Well, that wasn't vague at all. Come on, Luke. Man up and get this conversation over with. "How come you didn't tell me you and Noah were living together? Don't you think maybe I could've used a warning before I got here?"   
  
"No," Aaron answered bluntly. "Because I shouldn't have to tell you. It's something you two should be talking about, not you and me. You guys never should've dropped contact with each other. It's stupid. It doesn't matter if you have a boyfriend or not, because what you and Noah were together was deeper than 'boyfriends.'"   
  
Luke winced at the honesty in Aaron's tone. "Or not," he confessed.   
  
"What does that mean?"   
  
Luke fiddled with the label on his root beer bottle. "Reid and I broke up. Awhile ago. Um, I actually broke up with him..." He took a deep breath.  _All or nothing, Snyder_ . "And I did it before you and Noah moved out here."   
  
Aaron was quiet for a minute, finishing the last of his burrito. He tossed the wrapper into a nearby trash bin, then turned back to Luke. "I know."   
  
Luke nearly choked. "What?"   
  
Aaron regarded him seriously. "I know. I've known for awhile. Dad told me, I don't know, months ago? And no, Noah doesn't know. Because, once again dude, you should tell him. You should've told him awhile ago."   
  
He sat frozen, food forgotten, staring at his brother. Of course. Of course Holden had told him. It was a wonder Holden hadn't told Noah too. (Though he had no idea if his family really kept in touch with Noah, besides Faith mentioning an occasional email.) "I guess," was all he could think of to say.    
  
"Why did you come to visit now, Luke?" Aaron asked, his tone suggesting he already knew the answer.   
  
Luke got a little spiteful, definitely not wanting to give the answer Aaron thought he should. "Because I got tired of doing nothing at home. Lately, I've been... I've been feeling so weird. Antsy to do something, but no idea what. I'll admit, okay, I've been a little--"   
  
"Spoiled?" Aaron supplied helpfully.   
  
" _Directionless_ ," Luke corrected with a slight 'don't interrupt me' glare. "And I thought maybe a trip out here--a change of scenery--would, you know, help me see things differently. I needed a break from Oakdale. To think about everything."   
  
"Everything including Noah?" Aaron finally came out and said it.   
  
"Aaron," Luke sighed.   
  
"Don't bullshit me, man," Aaron shook his head. "Look me straight in the eye and tell me a part of you didn't come out to California just to, in some way, be closer to Noah. There's not a part of you that hoped you could, I don't know, John-Cusack-movie your way into accidentally running into him."   
  
Luke chewed on his lower lip, fighting the urge to clack his teeth together. It was a nervous habit he'd never been able to break. "I didn't," he finally said.    
  
But he couldn't look at Aaron.


	6. Chapter 6

"Come on hon, we've got a few hours before the bonfire starts. Let's hit the waves for a bit." Malia dragged Noah out of the coffee bar and back into the shop, and Noah let her. An hour or two in the water sounded like the perfect way to keep his mind singularly focused... and not on Luke.    
  
The late-afternoon sun was heading over the water now, shining strong enough to forgo wetsuits. Instead Noah grabbed his board and followed Malia out of the shop, stripping off his t-shirt along the way and tossing it to the ground outside. Hoping that, just this once, Kona wouldn't find it and chew a couple holes through it. (As she had with the one Java shirt he managed to bring to California. He couldn't help but appreciate that.)   
  
He was surprised, though, when Malia kept paddling, leading Noah out a little past the break where the water was quieter and calm. Fewer people, as most of the guys in the water were lining up in front of them for their chance at the waves.   
  
Fewer people. Oh. Noah wasn't so surprised now. And he shouldn't have been- this was Malia after all.   
  
She stopped paddling, sitting up straight on her board. Noah echoed the stance, apprehensive. They sat in silence for a moment before she finally spoke up. "Want to tell me how you're feeling?"   
  
Noah was quiet for a moment longer. "Something tells me I don't really have a choice here, huh?"   
  
"Nope," she answered immediately. "Come on, Omilu. Talk to me about all this."   
  
"All what?" he forced himself to shrug. "Luke's here to visit Aaron. It's not like I was never ever going to see him again"-- _though a part of me hoped_ \--"so it's not a big deal. It's not a deal at all. I'm fine."   
  
"That's the biggest load of crap you've ever said to me," she said. "This is  _Luke_ , Noah. After everything you've told me about you two... you can't be fine. I don't buy it."   
  
He shrugged a little, fighting the urge to just get the hell out of there. "I don't want to think about it, Malia. I want to stay numb. I want to be at a point in my life where I don't feel anything anymore, no matter what he says or does. Or doesn't say or do." Another careful shrug. "I've finally gotten to that point with my dad. I wish I could be that way with Luke."   
  
"No you don't," she said softly, kindly. "You love him, sweetheart. You want to feel exactly what you used to feel. What you still feel, if you're completely honest with yourself. You love him and you want to know for sure that he loves you back."   
  
"He doesn't," Noah's voice cracked a little. "He obviously doesn't. He has this successful, confident, grownup boyfriend. And his job--his work with the foundation is going so well, he's--"   
  
"How do you know that?" Malia cut in.   
  
He kept his head down, fingers tracing the outer edge of his board. "I... I check up on it. The foundation. The website always updates on their new projects, and I used to be involved in all of it, so I can't just forget it and let it go. I want to keep tabs."   
  
"On the foundation," she said slowly.   
  
He sighed a little. "Look, I know you want me to confirm everything you're thinking, but I can't. I mean, yeah." He shrugged, holding up a hand and ticking off his fingers. "I love him, I'm in love with him, I have been since the day I met him, and I will be till the day I die. But it's like his foundation--I used to be really involved, be a part of it. But now it's gone on without me and it's doing so well. Doesn't need me."   
  
"Noah, you don't know that!" Malia protested.   
  
"Yes I do. Look at him. Look at how well he's... how good he looks now. He looks incredible, he--" He cut himself off this time, took a deep breath, then started again. "He obviously didn't come to California because he needs me back, or wants me back. He didn't even know I was here."   
  
She smiled a little. "He couldn't seem to forget it though, once he saw you."   
  
Noah tried not to wince. "No, Luna, stop. He's not here for me. He's here on vacation, and then he's going back to his real life. One that he seems to be better off in without me."   
  
"Hey," she reached out, splashing water at him. "I don't want to hear any of that shit anymore, got it? First off, I don't think that's true. Second, it's not like you're some crazy-ass bum living on the streets. You're the sweetest guy I've ever met, smart and hot and decent newbie surfer--"   
  
"Malia, I don't need an Oprah-cheerleader moment, you can--" Noah tried to stop her, but once Malia got to ranting, there was no shutting her up. She was kind of like Maddie in that way.   
  
"And you can stow that 'successful' shit too. You're incredibly talented. God, your last two short films were fantastic! And correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the guy who won the 'Promising New Director' award at that UCLA film festival last month? So shut it."    
  
Noah blushed, more because he remembered how crazy his cheering section at that festival had been (Rob and Shane could make a lot of noise when they put their minds--and mouths--to it). But he couldn't stop himself from shaking his head. "That's not a lot. It doesn't compare to--"   
  
She splashed him again. "I can't see how whatever Luke has now could possibly compare to what you two used to have."   
  
"Key words there are 'used to,' Malia," he replied, looking back at the direction of the beach. "Are we going to surf or not?"   
  
"Don't you at least want to talk to him?" she tried. "See where his head is--his heart is--with you?"   
  
"And set myself up for that all over again?" he grimaced, bracing his arms and leaning forward until he was flat on his board. "Please, can we just... just not think for awhile?" The sooner he got to surfing, the sooner he'd be able to relax. And then maybe he'd be able to get through the rest of Luke's visit without wanting to die.   
  


************   
 

Night was just setting in when Aaron and Luke made it to the beach. It was a little farther down than Luke had been before; he could just barely make out the shape of the surf shop in the distance. In front of him the ocean looked amazing--wide, barrel-shaped waves and an orangeish tint from the setting sun.   
  
They were the last to arrive, apparently. (And maybe that was Luke's fault--but he had insisted on changing into something a little less 'Abercrombie' before seeing the group again.) A huge pile of wood was just getting lit for the bonfire, and Luke recognized Malia and the guys from earlier standing around it, drinking and talking. With Noah.    
  
Aaron didn't lead Luke over to them, though. Instead he brought Luke over to a large picnic table nearby. Two people around Aaron's age were setting up cloths and plates of food on it, bickering as they did so. "Hey!" Aaron called out to them as they got closer.   
  
The guy unwrapping Tupperware containers looked up, grinning wide. "Hey Paniolo! You're late, man!"   
  
The girl next to him rolled her eyes even as she arranged plates and napkins. "No, he's not. You were just hoping to pawn off all the work on him." Then she looked up with a smile, and Luke was struck with how similar it was to the guy's. "Hey Aaron. Is this Luke?"   
  
"Yep," Aaron pulled him over. "Luke, this is Sadie and her brother Shane."   
  
These must be the twins Malia had mentioned. He shook their hands, getting similarly strong, warm handshakes in return. "Hi." Then he frowned, glancing at Aaron. "Paniolo?"   
  
Shane laughed loudly. "What, you haven't told him your nickname? Dude, are you embarrassed by it or something?"   
  
Aaron glared good-naturedly. "Well, there's no reason I should be, I guess. It's not like my nickname is Waha Nui."   
  
Luke was still confused when Sadie started giggling. She caught his frown and put her arm around him. "Shane's nickname means Big Mouth. Unfortunately, you'll understand why all too soon." She gave Luke a once over, smile widening. "Mine is Maka. It means 'favorite,' if you were wondering." She winked at him.   
  
Luke was somewhere between blushing and rolling his eyes. Aaron was no help, just laughing his ass off. Shane groaned loudly. "It should mean clueless too. Sadie, this is Aaron's brother  _Luke_ , remember? Pretty sure he's gay."   
  
Sadie raised an eyebrow questioningly at Luke. When he nodded, her face dropped with a sigh. "Damn. Why does this keep happening?"   
  
Shane laughed again, waving at Luke. "Don't worry, man. She did the same thing to Noah when we first met him." He and Sadie started in on bickering again, which gave Luke the opportunity to look around. Look at Noah. He was on the other side of the bonfire, feet in the water, talking with Taj and Julian.    
  
They were all wearing board shorts, barefoot, and Julian was the only one wearing a shirt. Since when was Noah so comfortable looking like that in public? God, he used to wear  _two_ shirts in the summer in Oakdale, no matter how often Luke begged him to show off his body a little more. And sure, he had finally managed to get Noah into slightly more fitted shirts, but still two of them, damn it. How had Julian and these people convinced him to go so casually shirtless?    
  
"Hey Snyders!" Malia appeared next to Aaron, her arm going around his waist, his just as quickly going around hers. Luke ignored the quick pang of longing that smacked him in the chest, smiling at her instead. "Luke, do you mind if I borrow him for a moment?"   
  
"Um, sure," Luke shrugged. "I'll be here." He watched her drag Aaron back a few feet and suddenly found himself standing alone in the sand. Well. He had to wonder just how much more awkward this night could get.   
  


************   
 

"Ow, ow, ow!" Aaron hissed quietly, trying not to pout, when Malia pinched his arm. "What was that for?"   
  
She gave him her stern 'I wish I could ground you' look that always scared him. Because she wouldn't ground him, but she would find other ways to punish him if he wasn't careful. "I think I understand why you didn't tell Noah your brother was coming. But why didn't you tell me?"   
  
"Because," Aaron hesitated. "Because I thought you'd try to talk me out of it. Or warn Noah, or get the wrong idea about Luke, or... I don't know. I want them to confront each other. Talk. I thought maybe--"   
  
She kissed him, hard and quick. "When have I ever not wanted what's best for you and Noah?"   
  
He thought for a second. "Never?"   
  
"Never," she confirmed. "I'd like to think it's obvious I love both of you... in very different ways. And I'd like to get to know Luke and love him too. It'd be best for all of you if Luke and Noah got their shit together finally. So. We just have to find a way to facilitate things along."   
  
"Malia," he shook his head a little, trying to slow her down. "History has shown it's not always smart to meddle with these two. Sometimes it, well, goes awry."   
  
Malia grinned her feisty, shark-like grin. "Well, then history is for amateurs. Sit back and relax, baby. And watch magic happen."   
  


************   
 

Luke was just about to drag himself over to get a drink (praying to God they had something other than beer, Aaron and Noah would kill him if he reached for a bottle--Luke stopped himself. Noah was busy with his boyfriend, he wouldn't notice if Luke was drinking or not), when something warm and furry smacked into the back of his legs.   
  
Luke looked down with a laugh. That same dog--Kona, wasn't it?--was sitting at his feet. Or, more accurately,  _on_  his feet, begging for attention. "Hey there Kona," he said, lightening his tone, smiling wider when her tail thumped against the sand. He crouched down to pet her, only looking up again when a pair of gnarled, bare feet stopped in front of him.   
  
"Hello there, Luke Snyder!" The old man who could only be Kan, Malia's father, smiled wide and peaceful at him, teeth shining even whiter against his darkened skin.   
  
Luke stood up, wiping his hands on his jeans. "Hi. You must be Kan?"   
  
"Last time I checked," he laughed, laidback and light.    
  
Luke could see how this group of crazy people would center around the man. He had a natural energy and pull that you just wanted to follow. And Luke could see how his sweet, easygoing nature had probably won Noah over a lot too. He stood up a little straighter when he realized Kan was studying him.   
  
Kan's smile was softer now. "You're the one who took care of our Noah before he got to us, yes?"   
  
"M-my family did, yeah," Luke found as neutral a response as he could. He still had no idea how much this group knew about him.   
  
Kan glanced over at where Noah was now sitting in the sand. "It's nice, huh, that he found us. A place where he's happy again and where he can feel like he belongs. It must've been hard for him to leave your family."   
  
"I guess so," Luke said, fighting back the urge to argue that Noah should still be in Oakdale, that he belonged there and nowhere else. Shit, where was all this coming from? Luke had to remind himself he had come to California to see his brother. No one else.   
  
Kan nodded again. "I want you to know he's okay here, with us. He has people who love him and take care of him. Trust him."   
  
Luke offered up a smile. "Good." And he meant it--it was good for Noah to have that. But it didn't mean he didn't want to march over to Noah right now and prove to all of them that Noah had had that with him too.   
  
"It is, it is good," Kan spoke so serenely. "I've only known him since he arrived months ago, but I am proud to see him grow up. All these kids here, how they've taken Noah in and shown him they like having him around, they appreciate him... it's nice for him to have that again, yes?"   
  
Luke was starting to get riled up, a little defensive.  _He_  was that way with Noah too. Did these people think he wasn't good enough? Couldn't be a good person to him? What? "Yeah, yeah, it is nice." Luckily, right at that moment, Taj and Julian were somehow called away from the bonfire. Leaving Noah sitting alone on the sand, looking out at the ocean. Luke smiled back at Kan briefly. "Excuse me for a moment?"   
  
Kan was still smiling anyway, and he nodded, shooing Luke away with a wave of his hand. Luke strode determinedly in the direction of Noah, and therefore missed the not-so-subtle wink Kan threw in his daughter's direction. Malia gave him a thumbs up, then continued her conversation with Taj and Julian.   
  


************   
 

"Hey."   
  
He wasn't surprised when Noah jumped a little, startled at his approach and his voice. But he relaxed quickly enough, while still looking painfully hesitant. "Hey."    
  
Luke gestured to the sand next to him. "Mind if I...?"   
  
Noah stared for a second before his eyes widened. "Oh! Yeah! Sure, I... sure."   
  
Luke couldn't help but smile at the stuttering, and he sat down next to Noah so they were both facing the water. Close, but not touching. Because that would be too much for either of them right now. Because neither of them were sure if they were allowed to touch the other. And because both of them were dying to.   
  
"So..." Noah cleared his throat before continuing. "You met everyone now, right? And they're all cool? I mean, they were all nice to you?"   
  
"Yeah, they're all..." He softened his voice, seeing the genuine concern on Noah's face. "They're all really great people, Noah. I'm glad you have them."   
  
Noah looked a little taken aback by that, his smile still a bit nervous. "Thanks."   
  
They fell silent, awkward and hesitant, watching the waves crash down on the nighttime shore. Luke wracked his brain for some way to break the tension. And the first thing that came out of his mouth was, "What's Aaron's nickname?"   
  
Noah hid his surprise this time. "You don't know yet?" A smirk started to play on one side of his mouth.   
  
Luke made sure he wasn't staring at Noah's lips. "Nope. He won't tell me. I mean, I think I heard Shane call him--"   
  
"Paniolo," Noah supplied, a full-on smile on his face now. "It's the Hawaiian word for 'cowboy.'"   
  
Luke couldn't help but laugh at that, grateful when Noah joined in. By the time they caught their breath they were more settled down on the sand, maybe an inch or two closer than they had been before. "Oh God, that's awesome."   
  
Noah nodded, still laughing a little. "You should've seen his face when he was christened. Looked like he wanted to kill them all. It was great."   
  
"Oh yeah? And what did your face look like when they decided to call you 'Blue?'" he asked, reaching out with his foot to lightly kick Noah's shin. The blush that appeared on Noah's face was so bright and so (damn it) adorable, Luke wanted to die and scream and kiss him and die again.   
  
"I didn't get a choice in the matter," Noah mumbled, kicking him back.   
  
Luke laughed again. "Oh hey, you'll like this--guess who just started tap dance lessons."   
  
Noah looked confused for about half a second, then his face lit up. "Really? Your mom's letting Natalie take tap dance?"    
  
"I don't think she really had a choice in the matter, Nat was pretty stubborn about it," Luke recalled. "Everyone decided to blame you, since you were the one who introduced her to _Singin' in the Rain_  last year."   
  
"It's a classic!" Noah defended, probably instinctively. "AFI has it as one of the top ten greatest movies of all time!" His hand twitched at his side, and Luke could feel his own hand twitch too. Because if this were a different time, Luke would be grabbing Noah's hands to still them right now and kissing him to shut up his latest film geek tirade.    
  
But instead, Luke steadied himself by flattening his hands on the sand beneath him, taking a deep and slow breath. "So speaking of movies, how, um, how're the classes going?"   
  
"Great, actually," Noah answered, his smile growing shy. Luke could see Noah wanted to turn and look him dead on, all excited and geeky about school like he used to, but was trying to hold back. "I have some really cool teachers. One used to work with Tarantino. She's, well, really scary of course. But really cool."   
  
"That great, Noah," Luke said genuinely, encouragingly. "And you've got friends in your classes, right? Like, not sitting in the cafeteria all by yourself or something."   
  
Noah smirked a little. "It's grad school, Luke. Not fifth grade. There is no cafeteria," his voice was teasing. "And yes, I have friends. And Julian goes to UCLA too, we drive together to campus a couple times a week."   
  
Suddenly Luke didn't feel like teasing anymore. His fingers dug a little deeper into the sand. "Julian's a filmmaker too?"    
  
Noah shook his head. "No way. Julian's crazy smart. He's our age, and getting his PhD in some kind of mathematics I can't pronounce or understand. It's ridiculous. That's where his nickname comes from--Akamai." God, hearing Noah use Hawaiian words sounded insanely hot. Luke hated it. "It means 'smart one.' He's, like, a certifiable genius."   
  
"Wow," Luke managed to say. And then, because he couldn't help himself any more, "So you and Julian. You're... uh, you're close, I guess?"   
  
"Pretty close," Noah nodded, completely nonchalant. "Besides Aaron and Malia, he's probably the person I'm closest to here."   
  
Luke felt his insides shake and crumble, like he was on the precipice of falling off an impossibly high cliff. "Are you two...?" he trailed off, hoping his question was obvious. And hoping whatever the answer was wouldn't break his heart.   
  
Unfortunately, Noah was as clueless as ever. "Are we what?"   
  
"You know," Luke shrugged. "Together."   
  
Noah stared at him for what had to be a full minute before he burst out laughing. "Me and _Jules_ ?" he gasped for air. "Oh man, the guy who can't breathe for five minutes without hitting on a girl?" He managed to get himself back under control, but just barely. "No, Luke, I'm the token gay of the group." He chuckled again.   
  
"Jesus Christ," Luke groaned, feeling his own face flush brightly. He brought his knees in closer to his chest, burying his face in them. Well, maybe there was an answer just as bad as 'yes we're together and in love and the reception will be held outside in the rose garden after the ceremony.' Or at least there was one that made him just as (or way more) embarrassed.   
  
Luckily Noah was still laughing and not at all upset. "What would possibly give you the idea that Julian and I were dating?"   
  
Luke shrugged, not looking up yet. "Earlier today, he was talking to you, and he had his hand on your shoulder, and I... I don't know."   
  
"What," Noah teased. "Shoulder-touching is some big intimate moment now? You know, Aaron touches my shoulder all the time. Should I be worried?"   
  
"Well, we Snyders like to keep it in the family," Luke shot back instinctively, smiling. Noah laughed once more, and just like that the tension was gone again. Luke could lift his head and look at him.    
  
"Will you tell them I said hi?" Noah asked once he calmed down. "Tell them I miss them? Faith and I email every once in a while, and I've talked to your dad maybe twice, when he's called for Aaron, but... Will you tell them?"   
  
"Of course," Luke said quickly. "They miss you too, I know it." After making sure Noah smiled, understood that, he went on. "Do you talk to anyone from h--" Wow, he almost said home. "From Oakdale?"   
  
Noah tilted his head to the side. "Not really, I guess. I mean, I talk to Ali and Casey some, but they're not in Oakdale anymore. And Maddie. She was thinking about coming out here this summer with her new boyfriend to hang out for a bit."   
  
Luke would've asked more about that, or mentioned that Natalie and Ethan were begging for a trip to Disneyland for this summer, but he got distracted once again by the tattoo on Noah's hip. Now that he was closer, he could see every detail and it made his mouth dry. A shark was etched along Noah's right hip as though swimming up his body, spanning his side and ending on his back, its nose pointed at a design of some spiral-looking thing.   
  
Without thinking, almost instinctively, Luke reached out to touch the shark, his fingers grazing along it, running from Noah's hipbone jutting out of his board shorts to up past his ribs. It was only when Noah sucked in a sharp breath and shivered that he realized what he was doing. He yanked his hand back as quickly as he could, resisting the urge to shake it, as though that would get rid of the tingles and sparks he could feel under his skin.   
  
They were both bright red now, but Luke tried to save it. "I-I can't believe you got a tattoo."   
  
Noah's answering chuckle was deep, rough. "Sometimes I can't either. Kan knows this guy who does them for really cheap. And I went in to get my first one and, I don't know, felt the need to go back."   
  
His fingers itched to touch it again, but he would rather deal with that feeling than the sparks. "Is there meaning behind it? Or is it just supposed to be badass?"   
  
A small smile appeared at that. "Sharks represent a couple things in Island culture, according to Kan. Adaptability, endurance, resistance. And the flame and koru--the spiral thing--above it? It's a symbol that means rebirth from change." Noah's eyes were slightly downcast, watching his toes wiggle in the sand.   
  
Luke didn't want to take too much time to analyze it all. But he could see how those things would appeal to Noah. "So exactly how many tattoos do you have? Do you have piercings now too? A motorcycle? Leather jacket?"   
  
Noah gave that old goofy laugh of his, his head and neck craning out a little like his smile was too big for his face. "Oh yeah, I'm hanging out at biker bars all the time. My other nickname is Snake." They grinned at each other before Noah continued. "I, um, I have three. The first one I got was this one," he bent his left leg a little more to show Luke his calf and the almost-surfboard-shaped design on it.   
  
Luke frowned at it. "Wait. Doesn't what's-his-name, Taj, have that one on his arm? And Shane has it too, on--"   
  
"On his neck," Noah finished with him. "Yeah. It's like a badge for the group or something. Life, strength, protection. And new beginnings. Everyone here got one at some point."   
  
"What, do you have to complete some complicated surfing move or whatever?" Luke teased a little.   
  
Noah shook his head, his smile softer. "Malia decided I should get mine after... after I came out to everyone. I'd been afraid to say anything at first, wasn't sure how they'd all react, you know? And of course Aaron wasn't going to say anything if I wasn't. So we were all hanging out one night and I just, I told them. The next day Malia and Julian dragged me out to get the tattoo. Said I earned it, by trusting them with that."   
  
Luke's smile softened too. God, look at how far Noah had come in a couple years. "That's great. Hey," he grabbed Noah's attention again, hand tentative on his arm. "I'm really glad you have all of them. Even the annoying one that has the same last name as me."   
  
His grin was wide, relaxed again. "They're good people, Luke. And they… they  _like_  me. When Aaron and I got here, the only person we knew was Donny. And yeah, Aaron would've made friends right away, but you know how I get around new people."   
  
"Yeah, I do," Luke said softly. He glanced around at this beach, these people, this life Noah was growing into, and he wished... he wished he could have the same.  _And do you wish you could have it with Noah?_  a voice that sounded like Aaron asked in his head. Luke mentally punched the voice in the face and concentrated on Noah again.    
  
Noah shrugged, probably a little embarrassed. "They took us in pretty quickly. And yeah, I know, some of them are pretty crazy. But they, I don't know, they take care of us." Quieter, "It's nice to have that again."   
  
Like what he had with Luke's family. Luke cleared his throat against the heaviness that had suddenly settled there. "Yeah. I get it." And for a second, the voice that sounded like Aaron was back, and Luke wanted nothing more than to grab Noah and prove that he still had that with him. That they were still capable of having it together.   
  
But, God, how could he? Noah had a whole life that he had created for himself, with friends and pseudo-family and film classes (Luke had seen the award on their bookshelf at Noah's and Aaron's apartment). And yeah, maybe he wasn't dating Julian, but that didn't mean he shouldn't have some boyfriend out here who could be what he needed. What if the person Luke was now... wasn't enough for that?   
  
He had to get away for a second. He needed a moment to breathe without freaking Noah out. "I'm going to get another drink. I'll be right back, okay?" he said, proud that his voice wasn't shaking. He stood up, but too quickly. His feet slipped in the sand, sliding through the softness too easily.   
  
"Whoa," Noah reached up from where he sat, hands out to steady him. But Luke was still slipping, and somehow got twisted around as he fell. Landing right on top of Noah.   
  
They both went fully to the ground, Noah flat on his back, hands grasping Luke at his waist. Luke's arms were braced on the ground, on either side of Noah's head. They were chest-to-chest and face-to-face, and the shock of the movement and change of position had them both breathing hard. Their eyes locked.   
  
"Sorry," Luke whispered, knowing he should be more embarrassed than he was. He couldn't remember how he was supposed to act or feel, though. Noah's eyes were as captivating, encompassing, as they ever were.   
  
"It's okay," Noah's voice was just as soft. His hands were still on Luke's waist, and he wasn't letting go. He stared up at Luke, so completely focused, looking somewhere between charged and scared.   
  
_It's just like the kitchen. The farm. The towel fight._  The thoughts flew through his brain at a rapid pace, and he couldn't help but wonder if Noah was thinking the same thing. Part of him had to believe he was.   
  
Luke's eyes had somehow traveled down to Noah's mouth, and he quickly drew them back upwards. But Noah was doing the same to him. Eyes a little wide, mouth a little wide, like he knew breathing was important but really wanted to do something else instead.   
  
Luke wanted to do something else too. And this time there was no Maddie to interrupt. He braced more weight onto his arms, onto Noah, their hips aligning, and his fingers somehow found their way into Noah's hair. God, he had missed that feeling.    
  
Noah shuddered just a little, and Luke... Luke had to. Leaning down, feeling more and more sure of himself with each inch of movement. This was right, this was coming home, this was what they needed. His lips were just centimeters from Noah's and they--   
  
A sharp yell caused Luke to flinch, look up. Sadie and Rob were arguing over by the food table, snarking about something. Even though it had nothing to do with him and Noah, Luke felt like he had just been caught. Like he had been about to do something wrong. Hadn't he just told himself he couldn't get involved and ruin Noah's life again?   
  
He sat up sharply. "God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, shit, I shouldn't--"   
  
Noah's eyes were wide, almost desperate. Desperate for what? Luke didn't want to know. "Luke, it's okay. I… I didn't--"   
  
He was still basically straddling Noah's hips, he realized. He scrambled to his feet, barely managing not to fall in the sand again. "I need to get something to drink. I'm sorry. I'll, I'll just... Sorry." He had to walk away, he had to not look back at Noah.   
  


************   
 

In a way, it was exactly what he deserved. He realized that with an inward, discouraged shake of his head. After all, he did the same thing a few years ago, didn't he? Got spooked by something and ran away before they could take that leap, that last inch towards each other?   
  
Noah watched Luke hurry over to the drinks cooler without a glance backwards.  _How many times are we going to walk away from each other?_  How many more times was it going to happen before there was nothing to come back to?   
  
He ran a hand through his hair, combing out as much sand as possible.  _Luke has a boyfriend and a life_ , he reminded himself.  _He doesn't need to be tied down to your wondrous fuck ups again_ . Noah stared back out at the waves, itching for a moment to just dive into the water and swim until he couldn't see land anymore. Him and the waves and no reminder of what he once had and couldn't get back.   
  
But before his thoughts could go any farther than that, a warm body plopped down into the sand next to him, leaning into his side. Noah smiled a little, and without turning reached out to rub at Kona's soft, tangled fur. She snuffed a little, licked at his fingers, and laid down with her front paws and head in his lap. Telling him she wasn't going anywhere. Noah kept petting her, liking the sentiment.   
  
A few yards away, from their vantage point on the other side of the bonfire, Aaron and Malia groaned.  _So close_ . 


	7. Chapter 7

Luke had hoped by the next morning he'd feel more settled and maybe be able to figure out just what the hell almost happened last night, but no such luck. He almost begged off when Aaron dragged him out of bed to go surfing with everyone, but he didn't want to hide. He was part Walsh, damn it. He had more pride than that, right?   
  
"We always start beginners on long boards," Malia spoke as she laid two boards flat on the sand. "It seems counterintuitive, but they're actually much more stable and easier to stand up on than the short, maneuverable ones."   
  
"Okay," Luke wiped his hands on his board shorts, a little nervous. He glanced out at the ocean again, where the rest of the group, including Noah and Aaron, were in some sort of makeshift line waiting for a wave to catch. The waves out there looked enormous and intimidating, and the sounds of them crashing echoed all the way to where he and Malia stood.   
  
She smiled, understanding. "Don't worry, there's no way I'm letting you out there today. I wouldn't for awhile, they're not for beginners. Now," she clapped her hands excitedly. "Let me show you the basics."   
  
He spent a little time watching and listening to her as she explained the fundamentals of Surfing For Dummies, to the point of where he was almost thinking he could maybe do this without accidentally dying.    
  
Malia was now standing and regarding him seriously, and Luke had to wonder if she was deciding if he measured up or not. "Now, Luke buddy, there's more to surfing than just the technical stuff."   
  
"Okay..." he was slightly thrown off by her serious tone.   
  
She nodded. "You have to feel these things out, it takes a certain amount of instinct and learning as you go." She set her board back down on the sand, then caught his gaze. "Each wave is special, you know? Unique. You have to treat it right. When you're catching a wave, you're not the master in the relationship. You're a partner."   
  
He flinched. Partner. Was she doing this on purpose? "Got it."   
  
Malia's head tilted to the side. "Do you? You have to be careful, cautious with it. Otherwise, sure, you can get hurt. But you know what's just as stupid?"   
  
"What?" he asked, voice strained. She  _was_  doing this on purpose.   
  
"Not taking the chance at all. Letting the wave pass you by because you're too scared to take that leap. Yeah it's terrifying, but when you do it right? There's no better feeling in the world." Her dark eyes pierced his. "Understand me?"   
  
"I think so," he whispered. "But--"   
  
Her gaze didn't waver. "Good. Because let's just say I love that wave a whole fucking lot. And I think that wave deserves to be about as happy as you can make him. Make it, I mean. Make the wave happy. I mean--" She waved her hand around with a sigh. "Damn it, I've never been good at metaphors, okay?"   
  
And he couldn't help but grin. He was beginning to understand just why Aaron was happy to be whipped in this relationship. He was about to assure Malia he wasn't there to mess with Noah's life--the very opposite, in fact--when once again a shout interrupted him.    
  
But this one wasn't teasing or snarky or anything else he already recognized as a normal element to this group. This was different. Luke and Malia both turned almost in slow motion towards the water, fear already biting the insides of his stomach. Something was wrong.   
  


************   
 

He hadn't felt this on edge in a long time. Noah had been in a fog since that almost-kiss last night with Luke, and when sleeping hadn't really been an option, and running at three in the morning hadn't tired him out, Noah was left with nothing but surfing to try to calm his brain back down.   
  
And it wasn't working.   
  
He listened with half an ear as the guys and Sadie joked and teased each other, one by one catching the next wave that rolled in. For the most part he stared back out at the horizon, until it got so blurry he couldn't tell where ocean ended and sky began. He blinked hard, not wanting to strain his eyes, but unable to look away.   
  
"Noah?" a soft voice brought him back to reality. He turned to the side. Taj was eyeing him, concerned. "You okay, bro?"   
  
Taj was always the first to know when something might be wrong. He was also the first to know when someone was lying, which meant Noah had no idea how to respond to him. So he went with the easiest option, playing dumb. Or, in this case, deaf. "What?"   
  
But now Julian was looking at him too. "Is something wrong? You been having trouble sleeping again?"    
  
Great. If he wasn't careful they'd all be watching him, and no way would he ever get a moment's peace. "I'm fine." He kept his eyes forward, watching as Shane battled with a particularly unruly pass.   
  
"Noah." Aaron's voice was quiet next to him. He was going for gentle, reassuring (he was going for 'Holden'), but for some reason it just pissed Noah off.   
  
He glared at Aaron, the question he'd been keeping in for two days now bursting out. "Why didn't you tell me Luke was coming?"   
  
Aaron reined in a sigh. "For the same reason I didn't tell Luke that we're roommates. Because you two never should've stopped talking. And yeah, maybe I was hoping Luke would contact you and tell you, and maybe I was hoping you would call him to say hi sometime and tell  _him_ ."   
  
"What's the big deal with Luke?" Rob asked, eyes narrowing.   
  
Noah and Aaron ignored him, all of them, Aaron not done his tirade. "And honestly? Because part of me was afraid if I told you Luke was coming, you'd take off. Disappear for a few days until he went home again. No way was I going to let that happen."   
  
Sadie's eyes were suddenly wide with understanding. "Oh shit. It's Luke. He's the ex, the one you never want to talk about. Isn't he?"   
  
The group knew most of Noah's life story, but he hadn't been able to go into every detail. They knew he'd been in love with someone and it hadn't ended well, but he never told them a name. He couldn't. Malia and Aaron were the only ones who knew. Everyone else had respected it and never pushed, but now...    
  
Now all of them were looking at him with what felt like pity. Like he was the loser who couldn't let go of his last boyfriend. "It's fine. I'm fine," he gritted out.   
  
"What happened last night?" Aaron asked. "There was... something happened, didn't it? You and Luke--"   
  
"Nothing," Noah cut it. "Nothing happened. Because we're over. He's moved on, okay? He did awhile ago. And you know this, Aaron. This isn't news. This is old fucking business. So let it go and stop trying to counsel me."   
  
Aaron shook his head. "I don't buy it," he pressed on. "Come on, Noah, you two still love each other. It's obvious. You don't have to--"   
  
"Aaron." Noah hated that his voice shook. "Let it go. If I have to, then you have to. There's nothing to talk about, we... we're--we're not..." He looked away for a second, grasping the edges of his board tightly to keep his hands from shaking. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."   
  
"Jesus, Noah," Julian said. "If he still messes with your head this much, I don't think it's nothing--"   
  
"Please, guys, just  _stop_ ." He had to get out of there. He couldn't deal with the pity, the empty platitudes, the memory of Luke pulling away from him so quickly last night. Someone else said his name, he wasn't sure who, but Noah didn't turn. He laid flat on his board, paddling forward as a wave began to crest and swell at the break.   
  
He maneuvered into the barrel of the wave, popping up on his board easily enough, ready to ride it out. But he was still shaking. His balance was off. And every time he tried to focus on the water, something flashed in his mind. A voice, an image, a memory.   
  
_"This kind of idiot. Hi, Noah Mayer."  
  
"What's wrong?" "Nothing."  
  
"I love you. I'm so in love with you."  
  
"I want it to be special too." "It will be. It_  is.  _I_  love  _you."  
  
"Do. Not. Touch me!"  
  
"Are you happy?" "Happy doesn't even begin to cover it."  
  
"Noah. You're my family. And I'm yours."  
  
"You, Luke. You who I love more than my own life."  
  
"I saw you kissing Dr. Oliver!"  
  
"I'm… I'm leaving. That grad school it's… it's in LA."  
  
Last night. Luke about to kiss him. Luke pulling away. Luke walking away. _   
  
Suddenly Noah didn't know where he was anymore. The nose of his board dipped too far into the water and got caught in the pull of the wave. The barrel swept him up, knocked him in the chest and off his board. Usually when this happened he could let the wave pass over him and kick back up to the surface, retrieve his board, and try again.   
  
But this wasn't 'usually.' He'd been distracted, and he wasn't in a good position to get free. The wave thrashed him around, pulled him deep under. He tried to fight it, but the riptide slammed into him. Immobilized him. He crashed hard into the rocks and reef at the bottom, scraping his arms and chest.   
  
His head hit viciously against a rock, stunning him for a moment. The world froze to a standstill around him, like somebody hit the pause button. He looked up and up at the surface above, noting how blue and peaceful it looked from here. Almost beautiful.   
  
Then the riptide pulled him again, his head once more connecting violently with the reef. It drove the air from his lungs, which Noah retroactively decided was a bad idea. He gasped, swallowing briny, bitter saltwater. Choking. His vision went dark, and Noah's last thought was how ironic it was that this all happened  _because_  his life flashed before his eyes.   
  


************   
 

This wasn't supposed to be happening again.   
  
Luke sat hunched over in the waiting room, staring at his hands. He hated this. He hated hospitals, he hated waiting, he hated rooms and people and oceans and time and distance and everything else that kept him and Noah from being happy.    
  
Voices swirled around him, but Luke concentrated on his hands. They weren't shaking, which meant he wasn't panicking. Which meant everything was okay. Would be okay. Noah would be okay. Luke didn't look up until one of Malia's hands snuck into his line of vision, landing lightly on top of both of his. He glanced at her, and she gave him a semi-smile. "He's gonna be fine," she whispered.   
  
Luke just nodded. Malia was trying, but she couldn't know just how many damn times he'd had to do this- wait for a doctor to come in and tell him if Noah was... He bit his lip, trying to banish those thoughts from his brain.    
  
To distract himself, he looked around the waiting room. Across from him sat Julian and Sadie, talking rapidly about something too quiet for him to hear. Next to them was Taj, who somehow managed to keep Rob almost as quiet and calm as he was (though Rob couldn't stop himself from drumming his hands frenetically against his leg).    
  
Over by the door, Shane was on his cell with his parents, telling them he and Sadie would be late to the lunch shift. Apparently their parents ran a restaurant, some sort of Vietnamese/Middle Eastern fusion thing. Luke knew they had told him the name of the place, but for the life of him he couldn't remember. And Kan was there too, sitting off to the side, eyes closed like he was meditating.   
  
The looks on all their faces hit Luke hard. He realized in that moment that they really did love Noah. They gave him a family that wasn't Snyderized. For the first time in four years, Luke was a guest in Noah's world, not welcoming Noah into his. It was an alien feeling. But, as Malia squeezed his hand a little tighter, pulling him up out of the chair when a doctor appeared, he began to wonder if maybe Noah's world could have room for him too.   
  
The doctor smiled at all of them with a practiced, familiar air. He reached out and clasped hands tightly with Kan before speaking to the group. "He's just fine, kids."   
  
"How fine is 'just fine,' Doc?" Rob clarified.   
  
The doctor was still smiling, and Luke allowed himself to relax just a little bit. "Scrapes and bruises, some stitches on his arm, and a slight concussion. We're going to keep him overnight, so just--"   
  
"Keep him overnight?" Luke cut in. "If it's nothing serious, why does he need to stay overnight?" Part of him wondered how strained his voice sounded, but a bigger part didn't care.   
  
The doctor looked at him curiously, then glanced at Kan. Kan nodded. "This is Luke. He's Aaron's brother and Noah's  _aikane_ ." Luke had no idea what that word meant, and judging by the confused looks on almost everyone's faces, they didn't either (though Malia and Taj might've smiled).   
  
The doctor, however, must have known more than a little Hawaiian because he accepted it with a smile, focusing on Luke. "It's just a precaution because of the head wound. Noah has major neurosurgery and trauma in his medical history, so we just want to play it safe. But I swear, kid, he's fine. He'll be back in the water in no time."   
  
"Thank God," Aaron mumbled, closing his eyes for a second.   
  
" _Mahalo_ , Bren," Kan thanked the man, clasping his hand again.   
  
The doctor grinned. "Just doing my job, as always. Give us a few minutes to get him settled in a room, then you all can go in and see him." The group thanked him again, and he waved as he headed back past the double doors into one of the wings of the hospital.    
  
Luke turned to Malia, confused. "We're not family. He's just going to let us go back there?"   
  
She smiled, much more calm and reassuring than she had been minutes ago. "Dr. Bren is an old friend of the family's. He's... pretty lenient with the rules. We always go to him when we get banged up in the water or," she glanced at Rob, "in bar brawls." Rob smirked and shrugged, unrepentant.    
  
Luke was about to ask just how often they all ended up in the hospital, but he was interrupted by the ringing of his cell. He exchanged a quick look and nod with Aaron and moved away from the group, pulling out his phone. A glance at the screen had him dropping back heavily into a chair. "Dad?"   
  
"Luke," Holden's voice was quiet, just this side of worried.    
  
That almost punched Luke in the gut. Oh God, what else could be wrong right now? "What is it? Why are you calling? Did something--"   
  
"Aaron called me," his dad interrupted. "On the way to the hospital, told me what happened. Are you all right? Is Noah okay?"   
  
Luke had to smile. They may have forgotten for a little while, but it was clear Noah still had family in Oakdale. "Yeah. We just talked to the doctor. He's okay."   
  
"Aaron said he hit his head. He was unconscious," Holden continued, not convinced.   
  
"Yeah," Luke cleared his throat. "But the doctor said it's only a minor concussion. He's fine, he didn't knock any screws loose from before," he tried to joke.   
  
"And you're okay?" Holden persisted.    
  
Luke nodded, forgetting he was on the phone for a moment. "I'm… I'll be fine."   
  
"Luke." He was using his no-nonsense, don't-even-pretend-to-bullshit-me tone.   
  
He was quiet for a moment. "I thought I lost him again, Dad," he whispered just loud enough to be heard over the connection. "When I saw him..." He didn't think he'd be able to get that image out of his head, when Shane and Taj had pulled Noah's body out of the water. "I couldn't breathe. I mean, I know he's not mine to lose anymore, but even when Noah left town and I never saw him or heard from him, I at least knew he was alive somewhere. But this..."   
  
"And now you have seen him, heard from him. Does that change things at all?" Holden asked.   
  
"What do you mean?" Luke frowned, watching out of the corner of his eye as Malia and Aaron discussed something apparently important.   
  
"Luke, you could've gone anywhere in the world to get away from Oakdale for awhile. Why did you choose to visit Aaron?"   
  
"Because--" Luke started out defensive, but stopped himself. "Look, I know you know what to say, and it's something I should probably hear, so just get on with it."   
  
The light chuckle on the other end of the line relaxed Luke a little, though the words after it didn't. "You went on this little trip to try to figure things out, right? You were hoping this would tell you what to do, or you'd find someone along the way who would. And that's the problem, Luke."   
  
"What is?" he asked, leaning forward unconsciously, as though his dad were sitting there with him.   
  
"You're aimless right now, Luke, I know. But one of the reasons you are is because you're waiting for someone else to show you or tell you what to do. Of course you've got a million people who are willing to help you, son, but it's kinda time for you to grow up yourself and figure out your own things like an adult."   
  
"Wow," he breathed heavily. No matter how often it happened, Luke was always kind of thrown by his dad's honesty in their Father-Son talks.   
  
"Luke," Holden's voice was still serious, but no less gentle. "You can't always wait for things to happen or work themselves out the way you want them to. Things don't always go the way they're 'meant to.' If you want things in your life to change, you have to change them. And go after what you want."   
  
"And I want Noah?" Luke wasn't sure if he was asking or telling.   
  
Holden obviously wasn't either. "Well, I'm pretty sure I can't answer that one for you." He laughed again. "But you can. Think of all the greatest things you've had in your life, Luke. They were things you actively fought for, not things you just hoped would happen. And..." he took a breath before continuing. "And think of the person who was there to support you and push you to be that way. That's the person you should be with. And that's the person, as your dad, I'd want you to be with."   
  
Luke was silent for a minute, thinking it all over. "So Aaron was right. I came out here to find Noah." Holden didn't answer him, but this time Luke wasn't looking for a response. "I... I want Noah back in my life."   
  


************   
 

He had to admit, he was surprised the group was letting him go into Noah's room first. They warned him they wouldn't be able to wait long, and from what he knew so far he didn't doubt their impatience, but Luke was still surprised--and grateful--he was getting any time alone with Noah at all.   
  
Feeling the worst sense of déjà vu, he slowly opened the door to the hospital room, ducking his head in first. And there was Noah, lying in the bed with his eyes closed, breathing deep. Not in a coma, Luke reminded himself. Just resting.   
  
He entered the room, quietly shutting the door behind him and taking a moment to study Noah fully. There were some bruises on the side of his face and down to his shoulder, little scrapes scattered across what Luke could see of his chest and arms. Which led to Luke realizing that Noah still wasn't wearing a shirt, with a blanket pulled up to just over his heart. His left arm rested across his body, a bandage wrapped around it high up, just below his shoulder.   
  
Luke stepped closer with a frown, eyes once more catching on the tattoo on Noah's arm, the one he'd noticed on the beach the day before but hadn't thought about since. Noah did mention having three tattoos last night, didn't he? Getting a little closer, he could see it was a band around his bicep, but before he could really lean over to study it, there was a tiny shift of movement, and Noah opened his eyes.   
  
They stared at each other for maybe a minute before Noah smiled blurrily. "Hey," his voice croaked a little bit. Years of practice told Luke that he was groggy and in a little bit of pain, but nothing serious.   
  
"Hey," he answered back softly, forgetting about the tattoo in favor of getting closer, perching on the side of the bed next to Noah's hip. "How're you feeling?"    
  
"I'm fine," came the quick, expected reply. "I've got an extra-hard head nowadays."   
  
Luke laughed a little. "I'm glad for that." He took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to do. He had no idea if Noah still loved him or wanted a chance with him, he had no idea if Noah would kick him out of the room after this. But he had to try. He owed it to both of them. "I need to tell you something."   
  
"Luke," Noah--probably out of instinct--reached out and covered Luke's hands with one of his. "I'm okay, really. I promise."   
  
He smiled. "Good. Because I need you to be okay so I can tell you this." He felt Noah's hand tense over his, and hurried on to explain. "This has been a long time coming, you know? I probably should have said this awhile ago. I should have said this before you left Oakdale."   
  
"Said what?" Noah's voice grew much quieter, wary.   
  
Luke paused, tried to figure out the right way to say everything that was in his head. "I've been thinking a lot lately, about my life. I've been thinking about how I was with you, and why I decided to be with Reid, and how a lot of my choices have led me to where I am now. And I think people are right when they tell me it's time to grow up. I can't be that spoiled eighteen year old kid anymore, Noah, I realize that now."   
  
"O-okay..." Noah's voice was quiet, and had a strange tone to it, but Luke was too focused on his own words to try to decipher it now.    
  
"And if I want to do things right, I have to end some things. And start new ones. Right now." He gently pulled his hands away, wanting to flip that position so he could hold Noah's, finally tell him the truth.    
  
He noticed then that Noah's hands were shaking. His eyes narrowed, wondering how many painkillers they had given him. He was about to confess everything that he felt anyway, painkillers be damned, when the door burst open.  _Shit_ . His ten minutes were up.   
  
"Hey!" Rob was the first one through the door. (Luke found it kind of funny that even though he was still boisterous and energetic, his voice was quieter than usual.) The rest of the group was right behind him, all of them filling up the room quickly. Luke winced a little, wishing he had just a minute more to talk to Noah, but he stood and graciously moved out of the way so the others could come in closer and see their friend for themselves.   
  
It felt like no time had passed when Dr. Bren appeared in the doorway. "Sorry everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to head out now. You can come back first thing tomorrow, but right now that concussed head needs some rest."   
  
There were some half-hearted protests, but everyone eventually stood and got ready to leave. Luke watched with a smile as the guys all said goodbye to Noah (still a little irrationally jealous when Julian squeezed his shoulder. Again. Damn, for a straight guy, did he have to touch Noah so much?), and Malia and Sadie both kissed his cheek.    
  
Luke made sure he was the last one to leave the room, pausing in the doorway and locking eyes with Noah. He wanted to stay, so badly, but he could see the weariness starting to show on Noah's face. And this talk had to be when they were both of sound mind and (hopefully) body. "I'll stop by first thing tomorrow morning, okay? There's some stuff I really need to say. Just, um, get some sleep now. Okay?"   
  
He should have realized something was off when Noah just nodded, his gaze drifting down to his own clasped hands on the blanket. He should have, but he was too busy planning out the next morning in his head. He smiled distractedly as he backed out of the room and shut the door, wondering how Noah would react the next morning when he spilled everything. He didn't stop to think how Noah would be reacting right  _now_ ...   
  


************   
 

He was terrified.    
  
The painkiller Dr. Bren gave him had knocked him out for a few hours, the darkening sky outside his window told him that, but it was panic that woke him up. Deep, bone-shaking, nerve-wracking panic. This hadn't been a dream. He really had wiped out (stupidly) on his board. He was in the hospital. Luke had been here.    
  
Luke had been about to sever all ties with him completely.   
  
It was obvious that that was what he was doing, wasn't it? Saying he knew why he had chosen to be with Reid, saying he didn't want to be that eighteen-year-old anymore (the eighteen-year-old Noah had fallen in love with, that had fallen in love with him), even pulling his hands away when Noah had touched him. Noah didn't know how he could get dumped without even being in a relationship, but he had been about to find out.    
  
Shit, he couldn't do this. He couldn't hear it, especially not from Luke. Months of being away from him had allowed Noah to construct a bubble, this happy place where Luke couldn't affect every single thought and action. That bubble had burst two days ago, and Noah wasn't sure he could handle having Luke stomp all over the remains tomorrow morning.   
  
It's his own fault though, right? He had been telling Malia and Aaron that Luke obviously didn't need him or want him anymore. Why shouldn't he just hear it outright?   
  
_Because it'll kill you_ , a voice whispered in his mind. Noah had to agree. To finally, truly know that Luke really didn't want him around, that he wanted to say goodbye and let him go for real so he could be with Reid without Noah hanging over his head... He had been about to tell Noah all of that and prove that his life was so much better since Noah left Oakdale. He had outgrown Noah.   
  
Suddenly Noah couldn't stand it. Anything. The walls were closing in around him, his chest was heavy, his skin felt too tight, like it didn't fit on his bones. Everything was wrong. He shoved back the blanket covering him and sat up, then stood. After wobbling a little bit to regain his balance, Noah made his way over to the window. Fumbling for a minute, he was relieved to see it could open, and he pushed the glass up almost desperately.    
  
He leaned out just a little, just enough to breathe in fresh air tinged with salt. The ocean. He could smell it from here. He could hear the waves. It offered up the tiniest bit of relief, but not enough. He gazed out, but it was too dark to see the beach from here. The only thing visible was the lit up neon sign for a nearby hotel, the Aloha Inn.   
  
Noah laughed then, soft and almost bitter. The funny thing about the word  _aloha_  was that it had a couple meanings in Hawaiian. It somehow meant both 'hello' and 'goodbye,' but also 'love.' Hello, goodbye, and love. Yeah, that pretty much summed up his relationship with Luke, didn't it?   
  
His hands were shaking again. With a quick shudder he felt all through his body, he slammed the window shut again, turning back to the bed and pressing the call button. He was mildly surprised when Dr. Bren himself answered, sticking his head into the room. "Need something, Noah?"   
  
He took a deep breath, willing himself to stop shaking. "Yeah, Doc. I need a favor."   
  


************   
 

He didn't own this spot, but he had decided long ago that it was his. It had been maybe his third week in Torrance, going for a run one morning, and he had found this little cove off the beaten path about two miles from the apartment and SoK. Surrounded by rocks on three sides, and ocean on the other, it was the perfect place to be alone and think.   
  
And hide. He was hiding now, wasn't he? Noah was seriously considering just staying here until Luke had to go back to Oakdale. That would probably only be a few more days, right? Noah could survive being here. He could survive it better than hearing Luke tell him he was completely over him--over  _them_ \--that was for sure.   
  
He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there (definitely wasn't the few days he'd been hoping for), when he realized he wasn't alone. Footsteps were heading his way, slow and purposeful in the sand, and another flurry of movement was moving even closer. He turned halfway from his seated position, just as Kona barreled into him lightly, sniffing and licking at his face. "Hey!" he said out of instinct, trying to calm her down and evade the doggy breath.   
  
The footsteps stopped next to him, and he could make out Kan's half-concerned, half-exasperated face in the darkness. "Figured we'd find you here."   
  
Noah stared, confused and embarrassed. "Why were you looking for me at all?" He patted at Kona's fur until she settled next to him, nudging herself halfway into his lap.   
  
Kan grinned amiably, taking a seat beside him in the sand. "Bren's 'loose' rules go both ways, Omilu. He called me about an hour ago, said you checked yourself out early."    
  
"Yeah," Noah looked down at his hands, petting Kona. He felt a little ashamed, like a little kid getting reprimanded. Which was silly, because in all the time he'd known Kan, the man had never raised his voice or judged in any way. But still... "I did."    
  
Kan just nodded, pulling a joint out of the breast pocket of his shirt and lighting it up. "I'd share this with you if it were tomorrow and you had left the hospital properly, but now you're going to have to miss out."   
  
Noah nodded in return, knowing better than to argue. "I was getting claustrophobic," he semi-explained. "I just... I've spent a lot of time in hospitals. I needed to get out."   
  
Again, Kan didn't say anything directly, just looked out at the waves, exhaling smoke lightly. One hand fumbled with something in his pocket for a second, but his focus stayed on the ocean. "That Luke boy is your  _aikane_ , isn't he, Noah?" he finally spoke after a few minutes of silence.   
  
Noah frowned. "What's that?"   
  
"In basic terms," he smiled gently. "It means a true love, in the same gender."   
  
Noah couldn't help but laugh a little. "Hawaiians have a word for gay true love?"   
  
"We do indeed," Kan looked at him now. "Luke is your  _aikane_ ."   
  
"I--I don't... No," Noah answered sadly. "Probably not."   
  
Kan shook his head. "I think he is," he insisted. "But the problem is you don't know if you're his in return. That's where this fear is coming from. Not knowing, brought you right here."   
  
"How did you get to be so wise?" Noah teased half-heartedly, hoping to deflect away from all of this.   
  
He continued as though he hadn't heard Noah. "I knew it had to be something, soon as I saw you in the water yesterday. You're usually so focused and careful on a board, but yesterday... I'd never seen you so rattled."   
  
Noah winced. "Oh man, the board. I didn't even... I lost it, didn't I? Is it broken? Did anybody get it out of the water?" He turned to Kan, shame heating up his face. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. That was one of your handmade--"   
  
"Noah," Kan waved him silent. "It's just a board, son. I can make more. I will. This one wasn't the right fit, obviously. So I'll keep trying until I make it right." He fixed Noah with a pointed stare. "You should do the same with Luke."   
  
"Do what?" Noah asked, worrying his lip between his teeth. "Keep trying?"   
  
Kan took a quick inhale. "No matter how that kid feels about you, or how you think he feels about you, you need to tell him what's in your head and heart." He exhaled with practiced ease, blowing out a smoke ring. It was a skill Noah still didn't have, and he admitted to himself he was envious.    
  
But now wasn't the time for that. "I need to tell him? So he can break things off me with again and go back to his real life, and leave you guys to deal with my depressed, brooding mess? Why do I need to do that?"   
  
"Because," Kan shrugged. "Otherwise you'll always regret it. You're an honest person, Noah. It's in your blood. Not telling this truth, keeping it inside? It's a heaviness that doesn't go away. Not even in the water," he nodded out to the waves. "It'll just drag you down, sink you."   
  
"I'm too scared," Noah admitted quietly.    
  
"Of what?" the man prompted, not letting him get away from it.   
  
He sighed, trying to find the right words. "I'm used to regrets, okay? I already have those; I can handle that. But... but being alone again, knowing the one person that used to love me more than anything is... after knowing what it's like to be  _with_  someone... I..." He looked away.   
  
"You're stronger than you realize," Kan was as calm and steady as always, like everything he said was an absolute truth. Noah found himself turning his head towards him, listening. "I think you can handle anything life throws at you. You have so far." He turned then, finally looking straight at Noah. "But I don't think you  _should_  handle letting him leave without him knowing what you feel. That's not fair to either of you."   
  
"What if I don't know what I feel?" he asked then.   
  
Kan chuckled, squeezing Noah's shoulder gently. "Something tells me you do know, you just need to figure out how to say it." He took one more hit of the joint and then pinched it out, dropping the roach back into his pocket. "And I have faith that you will." He stood up and started back out of the cove, whistling for Kona to follow. She jumped to her feet, shaking sand off her fur, and trotted after him. "It's late, Omilu. You should get on home."   
  
Noah nodded absent-mindedly. He probably should, but unfortunately, right now home was where Luke was. Literally. He wasn't sure what to do. He stood slowly, stretching his arms, still watching the waves.    
  
Maybe Kan was right. Maybe he needed to tell Luke how he really felt. But just the idea of that, walking into the situation blind ( _wow, Mayer, poor fucking choice of words_ ), made his hands shake. This was Luke, after all. Him and Luke. One wrong word between them could spiral everything out of control. No steps forward, ten steps back. Worse than where they were now.   
  
It can always get worse, life had taught him.   
  
No, he needed to sort through his head first, get this right. Get it perfect. He couldn't go back to the apartment until then. He stretched his legs a little, loosening the muscles. There was only one way Noah knew of to get his head on straight. He just hoped it would be enough, because now... now his life kinda sorta depended on it.


	8. Chapter 8

Noah ran.   
  
His feet pounded out a steady beat on the wet sand, controlled strides, measured pace. His heart pounded out a steady beat in his chest. The ocean pounded out a steady beat of waves onto the beach to his left.   
  
His head just pounded.   
  
Running had become Noah's escape. Going for a run would occupy his body while his mind worked things through. It was a damn sight better than running away from life, which he'd done so many times he couldn't begin to count.   
  
Running had cost him Luke.   
  
Nine months should have been enough. Nine months of rebuilding his life here in Torrance, studying filmmaking, making new friends, learning to surf, working for Kan. He'd inscribed his journey on his skin, in stark black, permanent reminders of where he'd been and where he needed to go.   
  
One look at Luke, and all of it shattered at his feet. He'd built a house of glass.   
  
He'd never let Luke go.   
  
Even through all he'd done since he left Oakdale, he'd never been able to rid himself of that little spark of hope. He ignored it, covered it up, pretended it didn't exist. Stuffed it down into the corner of his mind where his darkest secrets resided and ran away from it, as far and as fast as he could.    
  
But it never died. And seeing Luke again made it flare right back up again.   
  
Noah's heart ached, not just from the punishment he was putting it through as he ran, harder and faster with every step, but from the memories that flashed through his mind despite his best efforts. Luke on that first day at WOAK, snarky and annoyed, and even then Noah had been drawn to him, a drab moth to Luke's brilliant flame. Luke's face in Branson when he'd walked in on Noah and Maddie, and his confession that afternoon. A moonlight swim, the summer heat no match for the spark between them.   
  
A kiss so simple, so perfect that it made Noah's heart shatter and heal all at once, until real life broke the spell and tore Noah away. As it did again and again and again, gradually fraying the tightly woven threads between them until they broke and fell away, leaving him standing alone, watching Luke walk into the arms of another man.   
  
Faster and faster the images flew through Noah's mind, so much like they had just a day earlier, a kaleidoscope of light and color and sound assaulting his senses until he found himself gasping and pulled gradually to a stop, becoming aware only then of just how hard he'd been pushing himself. His lungs burned and he couldn't catch his breath, and he leaned forward, hands on his shaking knees, only barely staying upright as he brought himself out of his mind and into reality.   
  
Reality where Luke was still with Reid, and Noah was still alone.   
  
Slowly, he stood back up, sliding his hands to his hips and turning back the way he'd come, shaking out his legs, easing the ache of overuse. He walked slowly, sliding back into his thoughts but keeping careful control this time.   
  
He loved Luke. He probably would always love Luke. His heart didn't seem to know how to do anything else. Sure, he could move on, find someone new, probably even fall in love again, but no one would ever be able to reach that part of him that no longer lived within him. Luke had a piece of him that Noah could never get back, and even if he could, he didn't want to. He'd given it freely, and that one gift had done more for him than anything else he'd ever done in his life.   
  
Loving Luke had taught him the meaning of the word, and he could never regret that, not in a million years. Not if it meant spending the rest of his life without him.   
  
The sky was beginning to lighten as he walked back toward the apartment, and Noah's scattered thoughts gradually coalesced into a plan. He'd tell Luke everything, make sure he knew that Noah had never stopped loving him, even through the fear had blinded him figuratively just as surely as the accident had blinded him literally. He knew he'd hurt Luke, and he knew he probably didn't deserve forgiveness for it, but he couldn't help remembering what Luke had said to him two years earlier, on the rooftop of the hospital after everything that had happened with Brian.   
  
"What happened to loving people, faults and all?" he'd said. "Is it too much to ask you to love me for me, instead of who you want me to be?   
  
Neither of them were perfect, Noah knew. No one was. But they could fix a lot of things, and one of the biggest was to give each other a break. Stop expecting each other to do everything right, handle everything perfectly. Stop turning away when things got bad.   
  
It was time, Noah knew, for both of them to stop running.   
  


************   
 

He wasn't sure how many hours had passed by the time he made it back to the apartment. He didn't know how far he'd run either, but walking back seemed to take forever. His leg muscles screamed at him as he climbed the stairs. He wanted nothing more than a long, hot shower and about twelve hours of sleep. He slipped his key into the door, trying to be quiet, not wanting to wake everyone when it was still a good hour until sunrise.   
  
He got the door only halfway open before it was yanked out of his hand.    
  
"Noah! Holy shit, where have you been!" Aaron grabbed his arm and pulled him inside. "Kan said you left hours ago! Jesus Christ, man, you gotta quit giving us all heart failure like that!"   
  
Noah blinked. "I went for a run," he said, unable to come up with anything else.   
  
His eyes tracked past Aaron to land on the sofa, where Luke sat staring at him, eyes wet and bloodshot, dark circles under them. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and had been crying for hours.   
  
He was still the most beautiful thing Noah had ever seen.   
  
Malia had one arm wrapped around Luke's shoulder, and her eyes shot daggers at Noah. "You fucking idiot," she spat out, angrier than Noah had ever seen her. "Do you have any idea what you put us through tonight?"   
  
He hadn't even considered it. They had every right to be pissed at him.   
  
"Shit, I'm sorry guys," Noah said, leaning on the wall by the door, dropping the sneakers in his hand to the floor and his forehead to the side against the paneling. "I didn't think. I should've called or texted or something." What Aaron had said finally registered. "Did Kan call?"   
  
"Texted while you were talking," Aaron replied. Noah hadn't even noticed. "And then he called once you left. We'd just about gotten calmed down after finding out you were with him, and then you never showed up here. Luke was about five minutes from calling the cops. Five minutes past, really. We were pretty much physically holding him back."   
  
Noah's gaze moved from Aaron back to Luke, whose eyes had gone from devastated to infuriated. Noah took a breath to try to head him off, but it was too late. Luke was on his feet and in his face in three long strides.   
  
"Fuck you, Noah," he growled. "Fuck you with a fucking  _chainsaw_ . You never think about anyone but yourself, do you? You do whatever the fuck your messed-up head tells you to do and don't give  _two shits_  about how it affects anyone else. You never learn a thing." He snorted. "And neither do I. I'm just an idiot who can't seem to let you go the way you so obviously want me to."   
  
Noah barely noticed Malia grabbing Aaron by the arm and dragging him outside, the door closing behind them. Everything Noah had thought about, everything he'd decided, fell away like it had never existed. Luke filled his consciousness, and sudden fury made him see red.    
  
"You're one to talk," he shot back. "You're nothing but a selfish little brat who thinks everything's all about you. You cut and run when I'm dealing with being  _blind_  just because I couldn't fill your every little need. You were so desperate for attention that you took up with my asshole of a doctor, of all people!"   
  
"You pushed me away, Noah!" Luke yelled. "You always push me away. When things were good, fine, I could be with you and live with you and  _fuck_  you, but anytime anything went wrong, suddenly I didn't matter. All that mattered was you and your  _fucking_  space. You were supposed to be my partner, but the truth is that I always came in second, to your goddamned father or your need for independence or whatever excuse you could come up with not to let me in. And I just couldn't take it for one more second."   
  
"And you thought Reid  _Fucking_  Oliver would be an improvement?" Noah's head felt like it would explode. "The truth isn't that you weren't good enough for me, Luke. The truth is that I was never good enough for you. I don't think anything I could do would ever make me good enough in your eyes."    
  
He crossed his arms over his chest. He was done. "Go home, Luke," he said. "Go back to your _genius_  boyfriend and your  _loving_  family and your  _fucking_  gold-plated life. I don't want you here any more."   
  
Luke stared at him, face flushed, eyes wide, and Noah had to fight off the urge to grab Luke and kiss him, like he'd done the day they'd fought in Old Town, and drag him down the hall to his bedroom to recreate the rest of that afternoon. Instead, he pushed past Luke and stalked down the hallway to the bathroom, locking himself inside and starting the shower, turning the water up as hot as he could stand. He stripped off his clothes, stepping under the spray and letting it beat down on his skin.   
  
He tried to convince himself that the wetness on his face was sweat and not tears.   
  


************   
 

Luke stood rooted to the same spot for a good five minutes after Noah disappeared down the hall, his mouth still hanging half-open, unspoken words lying on his tongue.   
  
_Jesus Christ_ , he thought.  _We're never going to stop fucking this up_ .   
  
He ran a hand down his face and plopped into the chair nearest him, his legs no longer willing to hold him up. Everything he'd been holding back since he'd first seen Noah coming out of the water two days earlier surged through him: lust, love, pain, need, desire, but most of all a driving, unrelenting need to  _fix this_ . Whatever  _this_  was, whatever it would end up being, they couldn't go on the way things were. Not with so much unsaid.   
  
But Noah didn't want to hear it.   
  
And Luke couldn't even blame him.   
  
He wanted to go home so badly that his hands shook with it. But when he thought about Oakdale, it didn't help. Oakdale didn't feel all that much like home any more. His family was great, loved him, supported him even when he screwed up, but there was one big, gaping hole he couldn't avoid. Not any more.   
  
He blew out a long breath, trying to get a grip on himself, and pulled out his phone. A call to the airline and an exorbitant fee got him onto a flight later that morning, and another call got a cab headed his way. He pushed to his feet, crossing over to the duffel bag he'd dumped in the corner, and tossed it onto the sofa, stuffing back in the few things he'd unpacked. He'd just go back home... back to Oakdale and regroup. Try to figure out what to do next.   
  
Try to figure out if there was any possible way he could live without Noah.   
  
He jumped when the front door opened a few inches and looked over to see Aaron's face peeking in the crack. "Is it safe to come back in?"   
  
Luke tried to smile. "Yeah," he said, looking back down at his bag. "Yeah, it's okay."   
  
Aaron stepped inside, following Luke's gaze. He didn't say anything about it, just held out a hand wrapped around a paper cup. "Coffee?"   
  
"Oh god yes." Luke took the cup and tugged off the lid, blowing across the surface to cool it a bit before taking a sip. And another. And a larger one. Warmth gradually seeped through him, but it didn't touch the frozen spot in his chest.   
  
Luke sighed and sat on the edge of the sofa next to his bag. "I'm going home," he said, staring into his coffee as if it would give him the answers he needed. "I just ... I thought it would be okay, but I didn't know. I didn't have a clue."   
  
The cushions shifted as Aaron sat down next to him. "What happened?"   
  
Luke shrugged, keeping his head down. "Doesn't matter," he said. "It's still too messed up. I don't know if it ever  _won't_  be messed up."   
  
"So you're just leaving?"   
  
Luke did look up then, to find Aaron staring him down. "I'm not  _just leaving_ ," Luke bit out. "Noah told me to go. He said he doesn't want me here."   
  
Aaron lifted an eyebrow. "And have you told him the truth yet?"   
  
"About what?"   
  
"About Reid, you dumbass," Aaron shot back. "You don't think it would make any difference to tell Noah that you dumped the motherfucker before Noah even left Oakdale?"   
  
Luke jumped up, setting the half-drunk coffee on the end table and grabbing his bag. "No, I don't," he lied. "If I did, I would've told him."   
  
Aaron stared at him, clearly bewildered. "Why wouldn't it?"   
  
It  _would_  make a difference, Luke knew. Noah thought he was still with Reid, and telling him the truth would change everything. But Luke just didn't know how to tell Noah what happened. What he'd done, and why. He'd screwed everything up, just like he always did, and he was too chickenshit to admit it. To admit that Reid was a giant mistake, one that he'd take back in a heartbeat if he thought it had any chance of changing the way things had turned out.   
  
But it was too late anyway. Noah didn't want him.   
  
"I'm going," he said, his hands tightening into fists. "I'm on American at 10:15. Cab should be here any minute."   
  
Aaron stood up then. "Wait, you're leaving  _now_  now?" he said. "I thought--"   
  
"I can't stay, Aaron." Luke bit his lip. "I just... I'll come back in a few more months or something. But I can't stay here."   
  
The sound of running water that had been filtering down the hallway for the past twenty minutes cut off, filling the air with silence. Luke hooked the strap of his bag over his shoulder and picked up his coffee. "Thanks for everything, Aaron," he said. "It was really great seeing you."   
  
He stepped over to give his big brother--genetics or not--a one-armed hug that Aaron returned immediately. Luke soaked up the bit of comfort he could before stepping back and away.   
  
"Take care," Luke said. "And tell Noah--" His voice broke. "Tell Noah I said I'm sorry."   
  
Aaron seemed about to argue again, but he stopped himself and nodded. "Okay," he said. "Safe travels, bro."   
  
Luke had to grin at that, and then he was out the door and gone.   
  


************   
 

Noah had forgotten to bring clean clothes with him into the bathroom   
  
He sighed and reached for his shorts and t-shirt, which at least were mostly dry after his long trek back to the apartment. Slipping them back on, he ran a hand through his hair to smooth it down, deliberately avoiding the mirror. He couldn't stand the idea of looking himself in the eye.   
  
He took a deep breath and braced himself before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping into the hallway. He didn't hear anything, but as he walked toward the living room, the smell of coffee filtered in, and his stomach growled, suddenly and fiercely. In another few steps he was in the living room, where Aaron sat on the end of the sofa, one ankle resting on the opposite knee, sipping coffee.   
  
Noah waited until the cup was safely away from Aaron's mouth before he spoke. "Hey," he said, almost smiling when Aaron jumped and swiveled around to face him.   
  
"Hey," Aaron replied, staring at him for a moment and then waving toward the far end of the sofa. "Sit," he said, and Noah raised an eyebrow. "C'mon, sit," Aaron said. "We need to talk."   
  
Slowly, reluctantly, Noah moved around the sofa and sat. Aaron held out his coffee, and Noah took it with a nod, getting a few sips and then holding it back out. Aaron waved him off. "It's yours, bro," he said. "You need it more than I do."   
  
Noah couldn't argue with him there, so he didn't. He waited, staring into the cup, for whatever Aaron had to say.   
  
"Luke left."   
  
Noah looked up, surprised. Yeah, he'd told Luke to leave, but he didn't think he'd actually  _do_  it. This was Luke Snyder. He didn't follow orders from  _anyone_ .   
  
"He didn't want to leave," Aaron said, and Noah let his gaze fall back to the cup.   
  
"He must have," he muttered. "Have you ever known Luke to do anything he didn't want to do?"   
  
"Yes," Aaron replied immediately. "When he's doing it for someone he loves."   
  
Noah's head snapped up, his eyes locking with Aaron's. "That's old news, Aaron," he said. "I mean, yeah, I know he still cares about me. But he moved on. He's got Reid now."   
  
He watched Aaron smile slowly, and he felt his eyebrows lifting in response. "What?" he asked.   
  
"Nothing," Aaron said. "Except that Luke broke up with the good doctor, oh, about nine and a half months ago."   
  
"Nine and a half--" Noah's mouth popped shut as realization hit, and then fell out open again. "Wait. Hold on. You're saying he broke up with R-Reid before I left Oakdale?" Aaron nodded. "And he didn't tell me?" Aaron nodded again. "But why would he--"   
  
He stopped, a wave of dizziness running over him that had nothing to do with exhaustion or hunger or lack of sleep as he made the connections. Luke had said he had something to talk to Noah about when Noah went over to tell him about the scholarship. "That was it, wasn't it?" he murmured. "He was going to tell me then, but I told him about the scholarship, and he knew if he'd said anything,  _anything_ …"   
  
"Then you would've stayed in Oakdale with him," Aaron finished. He leaned forward, laying a hand on Noah's knee. "And he loved you too much to let you do anything that stupid."   
  
Noah would've glared that Aaron for that, but his mind was too busy alternating between jumping up and down with glee and melting down into total despair. Luke wasn't with Reid any more. Luke maybe still loved him.   
  
Luke was on his way to the airport to leave him.   
  
Noah leapt up and practically ran for his bedroom, barely hearing Aaron calling his name. He yanked off his clothes and pulled on the first pair of jeans his hands landed on as quickly as he could manage. Tugging on a t-shirt just as quickly, he rooted around for his wallet, and shoved his feet into his sneakers, forgoing socks, cursing when one of the laces knotted and he had to fight with it to get it tied. Finally successful, he headed toward the door, stopping only when Aaron blocked his path.   
  
"Here," Aaron said, holding up a hand, his keyring dangling from one finger. "Malia's got the car. Take the bike."   
  
Grinning wide, Noah grabbed the keys and headed out the door.   
  


************   
 

Noah drove as carefully as he could stand, still a relative novice on the motorcycle despite Aaron's patient instruction since they'd moved. Noah rarely rode the bike, but having it as backup had come in handy a few times. Like today.   
  
Traffic was heavy as he drove north toward the airport, but it was moving well, and Noah tried to keep his breathing slow and steady, tried to stay calm. He made it to the airport in just over a half-hour, pulling into short-term parking and settling the motorcycle in. As he took off the helmet and secured it in place, he realized he hadn't even thought about how he was going to get to Luke's gate. Modern life wasn't like his old movies--he couldn't exactly walk through security without getting himself arrested.   
  
Fortunately for him, someone else seemed to be doing the thinking. Just as he headed toward the terminal to try to figure out a way in, his phone buzzed in his pocket with a new text message. He checked to find it came from Malia.   
  
_Booked you onto AirWest 183 to SFO, 10:20. Terminal 7, same as Luke's. Extra helmet's in the trunk._   
  
He grinned. Malia always had his back.   
  


************   
 

Noah felt like he was vibrating from head to toe. He figured he was damn lucky his jittery behavior wasn't enough to set off any alarm bells with the TSA, not to mention his decided lack of baggage. He smiled and showed his boarding pass and ID, kicked off his shoes for the metal detectors, did everything you do when you have to be somewhere and can't afford any delays.   
  
Cleared through security, he barely paused to shove his feet back into his sneakers before taking off down the concourse. He stopped at the first information screen he passed and found Luke's flight and gate number, checked the signage and ran in the right direction.   
  
He pulled up to a stop at the gate, gasping for breath, just in time to watch the plane turn toward the taxiway and disappear. He threw up his hands and barely resisted the urge to scream his frustration.   
  
Why did life never turn out like the movies?   
  
Noah stood staring out the window for long moments, feeling as if the plane had ripped out his heart and taken it away. Eventually, as if on autopilot, he turned to leave.   
  
Four feet away from him, sitting leaned forward in his seat, staring at the floor between his feet, sat Luke.   
  
Noah's heart jolted back to life in his chest and started pounding. In two long strides, he was grabbing Luke by the arms and hauling him up into a kiss.   
  
Luke's "oof!" of surprise was cut off by Noah's lips, but it took him only seconds to start kissing Noah back. As kisses went, it wasn't one of their smoothest efforts, but what it lacked in finesse it more than made up for with pure, raw passion. Their tongue dueled, small moans passing back and forth between them, and when they finally broke apart, they were both grinning like loons.   
  
"You're here," Luke said, wonder in his voice, fingers wrapping into Noah's hair.   
  
" _You're_  here," Noah replied, breathing hard, hands caressing Luke's hips. "I thought I'd missed you."   
  
Luke laughed. "I couldn't go." His smile fell away, and he ran his hands down the sides of Noah's face. "I just couldn't. Not like that, not with you angry and hurting and not without telling you--"   
  
Noah kissed him again to stop the flow of words. When the kiss broke, he took a breath. "I know," he whispered. "Aaron told me. I know you broke up with Reid, before I even left Oakdale. I know why you didn't tell me. And if I didn't love you already, if I hadn't loved you nonstop almost since the first day I laid eyes on you, then that would've flipped the switch."   
  
Luke couldn't seem to stop touching him. Or looking at him. "I should have told you," he said. "But I knew if I did, then you wouldn't go. Because I knew you still loved me. And I still loved you too, Noah, I still do, I never stopped, not for a minute, I swear--"   
  
Noah decided his new favorite pastime was going to be shutting Luke up with kisses. He'd nearly forgotten just how much fun it was.   
  
Luke was laughing when the kiss finally broke. His eyes shone up at Noah, bright like a supernova, and Noah felt his heart tumbling again. He brushed his fingers down Luke's cheek. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. "I was so scared I'd never see how beautiful you are ever again."   
  
Those eyes were suddenly wet. "I know," Luke replied, voice breaking a little. "I'm sorry I couldn't see how scared you were. I was just too scared myself."   
  
Noah kissed him one more time, soft, gentle. He leaned back and smiled. "C'mon," he said. "Let's get out of here."   
  
Luke grinned wide and grabbed Noah's hand, pulling him down the concourse toward baggage claim and parking. "Any particular place in mind?"   
  
"Well," Noah said, moving close up behind Luke, sliding a hand around to his stomach. "There's this apartment at Torrance Beach I heard about."   
  
Luke stopped in his tracks and whirled around to grab the sides of Noah's face, pulling his mouth down to meet his own. He drove his tongue deep, drawing a whimper out of Noah, who yanked their hips together and ground his quickly growing erection against Luke's. Luke groaned into his mouth, kissing him harder, and it was only through sheer force of will that Noah managed to break away.   
  
"We're gonna get arrested if you keep that up," he rasped out. "And while it might be an okay idea for fantasy fodder, a jail cell isn't exactly where I want to spend my evening."   
  
Luke shot him a dirty smile, running his tongue across his teeth. "Then you'd better get me somewhere private in a big hurry," he said. "Or I'm not going to be held responsible for my actions."   
  
Noah kissed him again, hard and fast, then grabbed his hand and dragged him toward the doors. He had a fleeting thought of trying to retrieve Luke's suitcase from the airline's clutches, but he dismissed it immediately. That would wait. This wouldn't.   
  


************   
 

Luke had never ridden on a motorcycle. He'd never thought about it, but when Noah led him over to what Luke knew was Aaron's bike, Luke knew his eyes were like saucers.   
  
"Um, Noah," he said, haltingly. "Do you... when did you learn to ride a motorcycle?"   
  
Noah grinned at him, reaching to pull open the trunk and get out the extra helmet. "At Fort Leonard Wood, actually," he admitted. He stepped close to Luke, dropping his grip on Luke's hand and lifting the helmet, settling it onto Luke's head. "My dad went off to a conference in DC the summer after my sophomore year. I was almost seventeen, so he just left me home alone. A couple of guys in the barracks took it upon themselves to keep an eye on me while he was gone, and one of them decided the perfect way to spend the week was to teach me to ride."   
  
He'd gotten the straps fastened properly under Luke's chin, but Luke felt completely out of place. He might be an expert horseman, but he didn't think he'd ever pass for a biker. He was sure the bewilderment he could feel on his face didn't help matters.    
  
"What did your dad say when he found out?"   
  
"He didn't." Noah reached for his own helmet and strapped it on quickly. "Greg might have been crazy to teach me, but he wasn't crazy enough to let the Colonel find out about it. Anyway, Aaron gave me a few refreshers, and I got my motorcycle license almost six months ago. Makes it easier to get around, since we can share both it and the car, depending on what we need."   
  
Luke felt like his head was going to explode. He'd simply had to absorb too much new information over the past few days. Noah had a new life, new friends, new hobbies, and none of them included Luke.   
  
The feel of Noah's fingers wrapping around his pulled him from his thoughts. "Hey," Noah said. "You okay in there?"   
  
Luke nodded slowly, studying Noah's face, framed by the black of the helmet. "Is this... are we going to be okay?"   
  
He wanted to say so much more than that, ask questions and tell Noah stories and fill in all the blanks between them. But he couldn't get any more than that out, not now. Noah seemed to understand. He brought up his free hand and ran his fingers down Luke's cheek, brushing them across his mouth.   
  
"We're going to be okay," he replied, his voice soft. "We've made it this far."   
  
Luke smiled against Noah's fingertips. "Yeah," he whispered. "Let's see how much farther we can go."   
  
Noah smiled, too. He pulled his hand away and lowered the shield on first Luke's helmet and then his before stepping back and turning to slide his leg across the motorcycle. As he settled into the seat, he threw a sly grin back over his shoulder at Luke. "Hop on," he said. "And be sure to hold on tight."   
  
Luke's heart pounded, and he climbed onto the bike behind Noah, pulling his feet up onto the small footrests and leaning forward to wrap both arms around Noah's waist. "I don't think holding on tight is going to be any problem at all," he said, and Noah reached down to run his palm across Luke's forearm.   
  
"Just behave yourself, Snyder," he said, his voice a low rumble. "Distracting the driver won't seem like so such fun if I drive us into a wall."   
  
Luke laughed, and Noah brought the bike to life, pulling out of the parking space and heading them toward Torrance, and their next step forward.


	9. Chapter 9

Luke was proud of himself. His heart pounded, his body throbbed, but he kept his hands safely away from any delicate spots, just solidly wrapped around Noah's waist.    
  
_Just wrapped around Noah's waist_ , he thought, smiling behind the visor. As if being able to touch Noah at all, even in a simple, relatively chaste way like this, wasn't worth shouting from the rooftops about.   
  
God, he'd missed this. Missed Noah. He'd tried so hard to move on, not to forget what they'd had but to relegate it all to fond memories. It never worked. Reid's kisses were fine, good, even, but next to Noah's, they were pale imitations. Luke didn't know if the difference was in technique or emotion, but it didn't matter any more. All that was over. He'd been given a second chance. And he planned to make damn sure there was never a need for a third.   
  
They couldn't talk during the drive, the combined noise from the bike, the wind, and surrounding traffic far too much to overcome. Instead, Luke just enjoyed the feel of Noah against him, the quick squeezes of his hand Noah gave when he stopped for traffic lights, and the buzz of the bike under them, seemingly vibrating at the same frequency as the low thrum of arousal running through and between their bodies.   
  
By the time they made it back to Torrance Beach, the sun beating down on them, salt air filling their noses, Luke was convinced that it was entirely possible to die of blue balls. Noah had joked about jail cell fantasies, but during the drive Luke had realized just how many fantasy fodder buttons this entire situation hit. Someone chasing him down to keep him from leaving them. An airport reunion scene. Public groping. A bad boy on a bike spiriting him away. And if he had anything to say about it, there was about to be some really hot, bordering-on-rough sex to cap it all off.   
  
When Noah parked the bike and reached for Luke's hands, lacing their fingers tightly together and leaning back against Luke's chest, it was all Luke could do not to climb around into Noah's lap and have his way with him right there in the seat. He managed to control himself and pull away, sliding off the bike instead, and getting his helmet removed and into the trunk by the time Noah had dismounted and stowed his own. Now completely out of patience, never one of his strong suits, Luke grabbed Noah's hand and started dragging him toward the stairs.   
  
Noah laughed as he followed. "In a hurry, there, Luke?"   
  
"Noah," Luke said, not looking back, just walking faster. "If we aren't inside that apartment in about fifteen seconds, that jail cell thing  _will_  happen, because I'm going to get us both arrested for indecent exposure. So get that flat ass of yours moving."   
  
Noah laughed again and sped up, and together they half-ran up the steps and down the hallway toward the apartment. Luke bounced on his toes, desperately trying to keep himself from grabbing Noah as he fitted the key into the lock and opened up the door. Luke didn't care if anyone else was there when they got inside; they'd just have to cover their eyes or get out of the way. The second the door opened, Luke pounced.   
  


************   
 

Noah barely knew what hit him. He'd just stepped inside the apartment and was turning to pull Luke in behind him when the world spun around him, and he found himself shoved up against the back side of the now-closed door with Luke's tongue halfway down his throat.   
  
He wasn't about to argue, not that he could anyway, considering his current position. He grabbed for whatever he could reach, which turned out to be Luke's shirt, and shoved one leg between both of Luke's in the process. He rocked his hips forward and sucked in air through his nose, unwilling to stop kissing the hell out of Luke even long enough for necessities like breathing.   
  
Luke seemed to agree. He was busy trying to shove one hand down the front of Noah's jeans, fumbling at the button and zipper with the other. Noah pushed his upper body forward, opening up a precious few inches of space between them without losing the kiss. Fingers scrambled and tumbled over each other until pants hung open and hands gripped rock-hard flesh, touching each other for the first time in over a year and a half.   
  
They fell back against the door, still kissing, writhing against each other. Noah pumped Luke just as hard and fast as Luke was pumping him, both of them frantic after so long apart. Noah moaned into Luke's mouth, and Luke gave his cock three more fast, hard tugs before he lost it completely.   
  
He popped free from Luke's lips, unable to keep from letting out the shout that erupted from his throat. He came all over Luke's hand and their stomachs, his hand tightening automatically down on Luke, who groaned loudly and shot off right behind him, milky whiteness mixing together between them.   
  
They panted against each other until Luke lifted his head. "Well," he said. "That's one way to say welcome to California."   
  
Noah laughed, tilting his head back against the door and sliding his arms around Luke's waist. "Damn," he managed. "If the Welcome Wagon was like that, I'd be moving every week."   
  
Luke's laugh washed over Noah like a sea breeze, soothing and cooling him inside and out. He dropped a quick kiss along the side of Noah's neck. "Why don't we get cleaned up," he murmured against Noah's ear. "And then we can try out your nice"--kiss--"soft"--kiss--"bed."   
  
Noah moaned. "Lead the way."   
  
Luke stepped back. "Clothes first," he said, toeing off his sneakers. Noah watched, ogling openly as Luke reached behind his own head and grabbed his t-shirt by the neck, yanking it up and off. He threw it on the floor behind him and shoved at his jeans, still open and hanging off his hips, pushing the denim and his boxer-briefs down and off over his feet, tugging his socks off as he went.   
  
He stood there, naked, gorgeous, and still painted with their combined come, and raised his eyebrows. "You planning to join me anytime soon?"   
  
Noah glanced down at himself, jeans hanging open, cock still half-hard, spatters of come seemingly everywhere, but he didn't move. "Actually," he said, stretching the word out, raising his eyes back up to look at Luke. "I was thinking maybe someone else might want to take care of these pesky clothes for me."   
  
Luke smiled, mouth open, tongue licking at his teeth. "Hmmm, I kind of like that plan," he said, stepping slowly toward Noah. "I mean, don't get me wrong. You look pretty darn good in clothes." He stopped a few inches away. "But really, I think you were made to be naked."   
  
Noah quirked an eyebrow. "Fine by me," he said, flicking his eyes down Luke's body and back up to meet his heated gaze. "Any particular place you'd like to start?"   
  
Luke followed Noah's lead, running his gaze slowly down Noah's body and just as slowly back up. "I have an idea," he said, lowering himself to his knees. Noah's heartbeat sped up, but Luke bypassed Noah's crotch and instead went for his shoes, untying the laces and slipping them off one at a time. Noah started to chuckle at himself for thinking Luke was planning a blowjob, especially so soon after sharing some pretty damn spectacular handjobs, but before he could get a sound out, Luke raised back up and slid his mouth all the way down around Noah's cock.   
  
"Shit!" Noah's head snapped back, bouncing off the door hard enough to sting. Luke's hands slid below the waistband of Noah's jeans, pushing them down far enough that he could grab Noah's ass. He used his new grip to pull Noah deeper into his mouth, and Noah felt the head of his cock hit the back of Luke's throat.   
  
"Oh fuck." He grabbed for Luke's head, fighting not to pull him in closer but finding it harder with every second. He'd just had an amazing orgasm less than ten minutes earlier, and he was about to blow again already. Luke had always been so damn good at this, and it had been so damn long since he'd done it.   
  
"Jesus. Luke." His knees buckled as Luke's tongue swirled and danced over his skin. The only thing keeping him from sliding right to the floor was the grip Luke still had on his ass, and now those strong fingers were kneading his flesh, driving him even crazier than he was already.   
  
"Ngghhhhhhhhhh." He was so close, he just needed--   
  
Luke's middle finger slipped between his cheeks and pressed against his hole, and that was it. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH." His hips jerked forward and he shot again, this time deep in Luke's throat. He jerked as Luke swallowed around him, taking everything he had to give.   
  
Luke's mouth gentled and slipped away slowly. His hands loosened their grip, and Noah really did slide down to the floor, landing in an unceremonious heap. He heard Luke chuckling, but he couldn't even muster the brainpower to respond. He lay there, propped bonelessly against the door, and tried to remember how to do that breathing thing.   
  
Luke's hands were on him again, pushing his shirt over his head and tugging his jeans down his legs. He managed to shift enough to help the pants come off a little easier, but he flopped back down almost immediately.   
  
"Jesus." His voice was back, sort of, and his eyes were focusing again. "Holy shit, Snyder, you're gonna kill me."   
  
Luke grinned at him, throwing his jeans over to join the pile of their clothes. "Nah, I kind of like you alive," he said. "C'mon, let's get cleaned up and then get to bed."   
  


************   
 

Luke held out a hand and Noah took it, pushing up with his other hand and, with apparent difficulty, managing to get to his feet. He swayed for a second, and Luke put his other hand on Noah's waist to steady him. "Whoa there," Luke murmured. "I meant that part about liking you alive, y'know."   
  
Noah gave a little grin. "Yeah, I kind of like the alive thing, too." He slid his arm around Luke's waist and pulled him closer. "Mmmm, that makes me feel steadier. And that bed idea is sounding better and better."   
  
Luke looked up at him from under his lashes. "Sleepy?"   
  
Noah shook his head, eyes dark, full of so many emotions Luke couldn't begin to name them all. "Not in the least."   
  
He tilted his head down and opened his mouth, brushing his lips across Luke's. Soft skin caught and tugged, and Luke dipped forward, reaching for more contact. Noah pulled back, giving a brief shake of his head, and Luke stilled, watching Noah's gaze focus on Luke's mouth with laser intensity.   
  
Noah moved back in, running the tip of his tongue across Luke's upper lip. He caught the bowed center between his lips and sucked gently, dropped lower and gave the curve below a light nibble. Luke heard himself make a sound halfway between a moan and a whimper as his eyes fell shut, and Noah brushed his lips up and down, left to right, feather-light touches across Luke's mouth. Luke's hands clutched at Noah's sides, and he swayed slightly, feeling as if he were falling into a trance. Under Noah's spell.   
  
Noah's mouth started to wander further, skimming across Luke's stubbled chin, tongue dipping into the shallow cleft. Luke's throat worked against Noah's lips as he moved down the column, licking his Adam's apple, showering tiny kisses in an arcing patch to Luke's ear, where he closed his lips around the lobe and gave a sudden deep, hard suck.   
  
Luke shouted and bucked, and Noah laughed softly, teeth lightly gripping the bit of skin still in his mouth before releasing it.    
  
"Do you have any idea how many times I've fantasized about that mouth of yours over the past year and a half?" Noah murmured, his own mouth brushing Luke's jawline as he moved back toward Luke's lips. "And I don't mean just sex fantasies, either. I'd catch myself daydreaming about just kissing you for hours. Spending as long as I wanted relearning the taste and the texture of every nook and cranny. Even after we broke up, after I thought it was over for good, I just craved it more."   
  
Their mouths were resting against each other again, and Luke smiled, slowly. "You're worried about  _me_  killing  _you_ , Mayer? Because damn if that isn't about the hottest thing you've ever said to me." He flicked his tongue against Noah's lips. "Keep that up and we may have a case of spontaneous human combustion to deal with."   
  
Noah bit down on Luke's lower lip again, tugged, swiped his tongue across it, let go. "Shower," he murmured. "Then bed. Don't plan on coming up for air 'til tomorrow."   
  
Luke gave a throaty laugh, his body singing at the thought. "Hope you plan on lots more coming, though." He swiped his tongue across Noah's chin and pressed his hand into Noah's crotch, feeling his spent cock throb under his fingers. "'Cause I'm not nearly done with you."   
  
"Thank God," Noah said, grabbing for Luke's free hand and pulling him toward the bathroom.   
  
Still laughing, Luke followed.   
  


************   
 

Noah said a silent thanks that the apartment had an endless water heater. He meant it about spending hours just kissing Luke, but there was something to be said for very long shared showers.    
  
He pulled Luke into the small room and shut the door behind them, and he was reaching for the faucet when Luke stopped him. "Hey," Luke said. "Shouldn't we keep your bandage from getting wet?"   
  
Noah looked down at his shoulder and laughed. "I forgot," he said. He'd been so caught up in Luke that he'd completely forgotten about the accident he'd been through less than 48 hours earlier. There was something to be said for sex endorphins, too. He was feeling no pain whatsoever.   
  
He picked at the edge of the tape holding the remaining bandage on and carefully pulled it free. Tossing it into the trash can, he reached into the small linen closet in the corner, coming back out with a fresh one. "Waterproof," he said with a grin, holding it out toward Luke. "You don't spent most of your free time with a group of surfers and not learn a few tricks here and there."   
  
Luke laughed and took the bandage from Noah, opening it and carefully applying it across the still-ugly cut. Pressing the edges down firmly, Luke leaned forward to press his lips against it gently, too.   
  
"There," he murmured. "All better."   
  
And somehow, it was.   
  
Noah reached for Luke, pulling him in close, naked skin sliding together. He kissed Luke's mouth, warm and soft and open, running the tips of his fingers down Luke's spine, shifting to cup his palms around his ass cheeks. Luke's moan reverberated into Noah's mouth, against his chest, through his entire body, making him shiver and moan in response.   
  
Finally breaking away, Noah got the shower going and adjusted before stepping in and pulling Luke in after him. Reaching for the bottle of shower gel, he poured out a handful and worked up a lather, then skimmed his soapy hands down Luke's smooth back, over his rounded ass, onto strong thighs covered with thick, soft hair. He pictured those legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him inside, and his knees nearly buckled.   
  
Luke moaned and pushed his hips back toward Noah, hands flat on the tile wall, long fingers slightly curled as if searching for purchase. "God, I want you to touch me everywhere," Luke rasped, and Noah laughed softly.   
  
"Want to touch you everywhere," he answered. "Want to  _taste_  you everywhere. Want it all."   
  
He pushed Luke under the shower, so the water sluiced down his body, washing away the foam. Noah watched the waterfall run down the cleft of Luke's ass and found himself sinking to one knee, hands wrapping around his cheeks, pushing them apart. He drank in the sight of the dusky pink skin surrounding Luke's hole and leaned in to circle his tongue around the pucker.   
  
"Oh  _shit_ !" Luke jerked in surprise, but Noah just tightened his hold and went in for another taste. When he said everywhere, he meant  _everywhere_ , and he couldn't think of a better way to show it than this, something he'd done only once before, not long before everything fell apart. He couldn't even remember now why he'd ever held back. The feel of Luke coming apart against him when he'd finally taken that leap drove everything else from his mind.   
  
He felt no hesitation at all now. Luke vibrated against Noah's mouth as he explored, licking and sucking and nipping with his sharp teeth. He slipped a thumb just inside, which made Luke gasp, then followed it with the tip of his tongue, thrusting gently. Luke shouted again and Noah pulled back, smiling, leaving him with one final long kiss.   
  
He stood up, surprised to find his knees trembling, but before he could reach out to steady himself, Luke had spun around and pinned him against the shower wall.   
  
"Bed," Luke gasped against his mouth. "Now. Want you so deep inside me you're fucking right into my brain."   
  
"Fuck." Noah kissed him once, hard, then dragged them both out of the shower, barely pausing to turn off the water. Two seconds with towels and they were scrambling across the hall and falling onto the bed together, rolling across the mattress, touching and stroking and kissing and gasping.   
  
"Jesus, Luke," Noah said against his mouth. "I've already come twice and I still feel like I could cut diamonds. How can you possibly turn me on this much?"   
  
Luke laughed loudly at that. "I've been turned on since I saw you walking out of the surf two days ago all wet and cut and tatted up, and I've had to keep it all bottled up inside. That's a lot to have pour out all at once."   
  
Noah bit at Luke's earlobe, ran his tongue down Luke's neck. "You're so gorgeous," he said. "So freaking hot. How the hell did I keep my hands off you for so long?"   
  
Luke sighed and tangled long fingers into Noah's hair. "I'm not doing anything but reflecting _you_ ," he said, softly. "I've been trying to tell you for years how hot you are and you never believed me."   
  
Noah laughed and sucked at Luke's shoulder. "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen," he said. "Want to fuck you forever."   
  
He felt the change in Luke before he spoke. "Yeah." Luke's voice had gone flat, lifeless. "A good fuck makes a world of difference."   
  
Noah stopped moving, stopped stroking, almost stopped breathing. This was too important for there to be any misunderstanding.   
  
"Hey," he said, lifting his head. Luke's head was turned to the side, eyes staring off, unfocused. "Luke, look at me."   
  
Luke slowly turned his head to meet Noah's eyes. "Luke. I  _love_  you. I told you, I never stopped loving you, not for a single second. Do you seriously think I'd put everything on the line like this over anything less?"   
  
He watched the life return to Luke's eyes and felt his heart fill in return. Luke smiled up at him. "I know that, Noah, really, I do," he said, bringing his hands up to cup the back of Noah's head. "It's just hard to believe that after everything that's happened I can possibly be this lucky."   
  
Noah grinned and kissed him again, hard and deep, no hesitation. He didn't need Luke to say it back. He already knew.   
  


************   
 

Luke picked up right where he left off. His hands were everywhere, tongue strong and quick, legs wrapping around Noah's waist just like he'd imagined. Their cocks rubbed together between them, igniting sparks, sending shivers through both of them.   
  
Noah lifted his body, bracing himself with both hands, so he could align their hips before settling back down. He thrust up once, hard, and Luke threw back his head and moaned. Noah did it again, and again, watching Luke gradually fall apart below him.   
  
Luke's hands on his hips finally stopped his movements, and Noah had to fight to focus so he could look into Luke's eyes. Just a tiny rim of dark brown showed around his coal-black pupils, and Noah couldn't remember when he'd seen Luke look so serious.   
  
"Noah," he said, his voice several octaves lower and many shades darker than usual. "I want you inside me."   
  
Noah groaned, but before he could move, Luke brought his hands up to hold the sides of his face. "And I don't want anything between us."   
  
Noah froze. They hadn't used condoms since the first time they had sex, neither of them patient enough that afternoon to have the kind of discussion they should have before making that kind of decision. But afterward, when Luke had gone to Noah's dorm room and stayed for days, they'd talked. Luke had been a virgin until Noah, and Noah had only ever slept with Maddie, always with protection. Noah had even gone to get tested while he was planning their New Year's Eve together, and he'd been clean across the board. The first time Noah slid inside Luke without a barrier, every inch of him gripping tight around Noah's bare skin, Noah had gone off so fast that he'd had to compensate with a blowjob.   
  
It only got better later that night--the first time he let  _Luke_  fuck  _him_ .   
  
But now. Now, things were different. Luke had been with Reid, and that changed everything. Noah opened his mouth, about to point that out, but Luke put his fingers over Noah's lips and shook his head.   
  
"I didn't sleep with him, Noah," he said. "We never did more than kiss. We talked about it, but I told him I wasn't ready. And then I figured out that I never would be ready, because I was still in love with you."   
  
Noah's throat closed up so tightly he thought he wasn't going to be able to breathe. All this time, all these months he'd thought Luke and Reid had been sleeping together, not just while he was still in Oakdale but ever since. And it never happened. None of it. He was still the only man Luke had ever been with.   
  
"Yeah," he managed to say. "Me too. There's been no one else, Luke. It's always been you."   
  
After that, everything seemed to go into soft focus. Noah retrieved the bottle of lube he'd previously only used on himself, and he watched Luke's eyes and face and mouth soften as Noah prepared him. When he took Luke's hips in his hands and slid inside, every inch of Luke's body pulling him in, he nearly went off as quickly as he had that first time. Sucking in a breath, gathering his focus, he started to move slowly, backing out and pushing back in, never taking his eyes away from Luke, never missing a single one of his reactions.   
  
One more memory to add to his list of reasons for loving Luke.   
  
Eventually, the easy, steady pace wasn't enough for either of them. Luke wrapped his legs high around Noah's waist and his arms tight around Noah's shoulders, drawing him down so he could breathe two words into Noah's ear: "Fuck me."   
  
Noah did, hips drawing back and then slamming in hard, again and again, eyes gradually losing focus, no matter how hard he tried to keep watching Luke. Luke's body shook under the power of Noah's thrusts, his eyes closed and his mouth hanging open in a blissful half smile, looking so perfect and so angelic that Noah could barely stand it.   
  
When he came, convulsing against Noah, back arching off the mattress, it was without a hand on his cock, just Noah inside him and their bodies pressed together. Noah groaned and came again, almost painfully this time, but unable to do anything else when Luke's body squeezed down around him.   
  
Exhausted, he fell forward, barely able to move enough to pull out, nowhere near able to do anything about cleanup. He slid halfway onto the mattress as if he were boneless, and in less than a minute, he was asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Luke had no idea what woke him up.   
  
He blinked against the dim glow from outside, filtered through the blinds and thin curtains covering the window. He'd barely gotten a look at this room during his visit, carefully staying out of Noah's space.   
  
Until Noah had let him in.   
  
He turned his head to his right and smiled softly. Noah lay on his stomach, head turned toward Luke, left arm curled under the pillow, left leg bent at the knee. Luke had managed to drag himself out of the bed long enough to get them cleaned up a little, hard to do when Noah was pure dead weight, sleeping deeply as he still was now. Luke could see the black ink encircling his bicep, curling over his hip, splashed across the back of his calf. He couldn't see the designs clearly, but he remembered Noah's descriptions of their meanings. Endurance. Strength. Rebirth. All the things that mattered to Noah.   
  
Luke frowned. Noah never had told him what the symbols on his arm represented.   
  
Moving carefully, Luke slid up on one elbow and leaned in to get a closer look at the design inked into the skin of Noah's arm. It looked like a sun, and maybe a turtle? And were those...?    
  
They were words.   
  
Luke looked closer, concentrating. Trying to make out the stylized letters in the low light. His lips moved soundlessly, his mind working to form the letters into words. When he did, he thought his heart would burst.   
  
"I was born when you kissed me," he whispered.    
  
He might not know the meanings of the symbols in the design, but he didn't need Noah to interpret those words.   
  
Luke brought up a trembling hand to trace the letters.  _I was born when you kissed me_ . His mind flashed back to that crazy, mixed-up day at WOAK, when they were so young and uncertain, of themselves as much as each other. When Noah had given in to who he really was, for probably the first time in his life, he had nearly stopped Luke's heart with a kiss so sweet, so perfect, that it shouldn't have been able to exist in the real world.   
  
As all the kisses since then flashed through Luke's mind, he smiled, feeling tears prick his eyes, and leaned in to kiss the tattoo. He followed it as far as he could around Noah's arm, lips soft, barely a brush against Noah's skin. When the mattress impeded his progress, he shifted down to Noah's leg, kissing the black ink there.   
  
Noah jerked under him, and Luke smiled, moving back up to stretch out across Noah's back, one hand reaching to trace the third tattoo where it arched around from Noah's hip. "Hey," he whispered against the edge of Noah's ear. "You awake?"   
  
Noah mumbled something incoherent, and Luke snickered. "Hungry?" he asked, and at that Noah stilled, then groaned.   
  
"Yeah, me too," Luke said. "Got a decent pizza delivery place around here?"   
  
Noah sniffed and turned his head, eyes still closed. "Menu's on the side of the fridge," he mumbled, and Luke chuckled, pressing a kiss to the side of Noah's neck before climbing off the bed.   
  
He almost didn't bother with clothes, but then he remembered Noah did have a roommate. Unfortunately, his clothes and duffel bag were still out in the living room, so he stepped over to Noah's dresser, checked each drawer of neatly folded clothes until he found a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Slipping them on, he stepped out of the room and crossed to the kitchen, grabbing the phone as he went and turning to look at the side of the fridge.   
  
He grinned widely. When Noah said "menus," he thought he'd meant  _a_  menu. In fact, at least a half dozen hung there, dangling from an array of magnets. Considering Noah actually  _liked_ cooking, Luke suspected his brother was to blame for the collection.   
  
Flipping through them, he stopped on a place called Luigi's whose brochure advertised "California-style pizza with a Polynesian flair." Shaking his head, Luke looked through and found they offered a Hawaiian pizza, always one of his and Noah's favorites back home. He didn't really know if that had changed since Noah had become friends with Kan and the others, but he figured it would be all right.   
  
Order placed, Luke collected their discarded clothes and his duffel bag, pulling his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and then quietly dropping everything else just inside Noah's room. Noah still lay unmoving, sprawled out with the top sheet twisted around his legs, breathing deeply and evenly. Luke watched him for a couple of minutes, partly because of his recent injuries and partly because he just liked looking at him. Especially when he was naked and the sheet was pulled down far enough that Luke could stare at his bare ass.   
  
Luke's phone vibrated in his hand, making him jump a little, and he quickly stepped back into the living room to answer it. Aaron's name showed on the display.   
  
"Hey, Aaron," Luke said, keeping his voice low.   
  
"Hey, bro," Aaron replied, a smile in his voice. "I guess I don't have to ask if you're still in town? You'd still be on a plane if you'd actually left."   
  
Luke frowned. "What time is it anyway?" he asked. "We kind of, um, well, we fell asleep, and I haven't checked the time since I woke up."   
  
Aaron chuckled. "It's almost three," he said. "Look, I packed a bag and I'm staying with Malia tonight, so you two don't worry about anything. Do whatever you need to do, talk, sleep, fuck..."   
  
"Aaron!" Luke hissed, feeling his cheeks burn, but Aaron just laughed again.   
  
"C'mon, Luke, we're all adults here," he said. "You're not gonna try to tell me you haven't been doing all of the above for the past few hours, are you? Because I'm not gonna buy it."   
  
Luke had to smile, lowering himself to sit, a little gingerly, on the arm of the sofa. "Yeah, well, right now Noah's still sleeping," he said, deferring the rest of the discussion. "He's had a rough couple of days, and I don't know if he's even eaten anything today. I ordered pizza, and I'm going to get some food into him and send him right back to bed."   
  
"You do that." Aaron's voice was serious now. "He's been beating himself up a lot, Luke, more than he'll probably ever be willing to admit. The family helped, but I don't want you to feel like it's made up for losing you. I don't think anything ever could."   
  
Luke nodded, chewing on his bottom lip. "Yeah," he said finally. "I know the feeling."   
  
"I bet you do." Luke could hear Aaron's smile now. "So go get that boyfriend of yours fed and rested, and we'll talk tomorrow. Okay?"   
  
"Okay," Luke replied. "And Aaron... thanks. For everything."   
  
"No problem, bro," Aaron said. "Love you."   
  
Luke grinned. "Love you too.  _Cowboy_ ."   
  
He laughed over Aaron's protests and ended the call.   
  


************   
 

The pizza arrived fifteen minutes later, and Luke grabbed a couple of cans of soda and a roll of paper towels, balancing everything carefully as he carried it into the bedroom. He moved the drinks to the bedside table and sat down at the top edge of the mattress, laying the pizza box in the empty space next to Noah and leaning over to run his fingers through Noah's hair.   
  
"Time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty," he crooned, half laughing at himself. "I come bearing gifts of foodstuffs."   
  
Noah mumbled and shifted, head tilting into Luke's touch, and Luke smiled, leaning down to kiss Noah's shoulder, just above the bandage covering his injury. "C'mon, Omilu," he said in a low voice. "Got you some Hawaiian pizza to go with that new nickname."   
  
Noah didn't move for a moment, but then he sucked in a deep breath through his nose, and a rumbling sound came from underneath him. It took Luke a second to realize the noise came from Noah's stomach, and he laughed as Noah lifted his head off the pillow, bleary blue eyes staring balefully up at Luke.   
  
"Stop laughing and feed me," he growled out, flopping around until he was resting with his back against the headboard, pillows haphazardly jammed behind him, sheet tangled around his waist and thighs. Luke let his gaze run across Noah's bare chest and legs, lifting an eyebrow as he raised his eyes back to Noah's.   
  
"Nice sheet," he said mildly, lifting a piece of pizza toward Noah's mouth. "Now eat up. You're gonna need your strength if I have anything to say about it."   
  
Noah laughed softly as he bit off the tip of the slice, his eyes flashing as he chewed. Luke took the next bite before holding it back out to Noah, and they ate the entire slice that way, their gazes locked the entire time.   
  
Luke finally smiled, leaning in for a quick kiss and then twisting to grab the sodas. "Here," he said, holding one out for Noah to take. "I like feeding you and all, but it takes too long when I'm this hungry."   
  
Noah chuckled as he popped open his soda. "Fine by me," he replied in a deceptively mild tone of voice. "Faster we eat, faster we can get on to other things."   
  
Luke rolled his eyes as he tore off a sheet of paper towel and folded it in half to use as a plate for another slice of pizza. "Noah, you just got out of the hospital less than a day ago," he said. "And that was earlier than the doctors wanted. You should be taking it easy, not running for hours and chasing your boyfriend to the airport and then fucking him into the mattress."   
  
He felt Noah nuzzling into the side of his face, and his eyes fluttered shut involuntarily. "Is that what I am?" Noah whispered. "Am I your boyfriend?"   
  
Luke smiled. "No," he answered, opening his eyes to pin Noah. "That's not what you are. That's not enough. You're my partner," he said, reaching for Noah's hand, linking their fingers. "My lover, my love, my family. My everything. I don't care if it's cheesy. But you are  _so_  much more than a boyfriend, Noah. You always have been."   
  
Noah smiled and kissed him. "You know," he said still in a mild tone. "We're in California. You could always make an honest man out of me."   
  
Luke grinned. "Oh, so it's on me?" he shot back. "Why aren't  _you_  making an honest man out of _me_ ?"   
  
Noah shrugged. "How about we make honest men out of each other?"   
  
Luke sat back and stared at Noah. "You're serious," he said.   
  
Noah blushed and shrugged, his gaze falling away from Luke's, focusing on the soda can he still held. "Kind of," he said. "I mean, not like, tomorrow or anything. We've still got a lot to deal with first. But..." He looked back up, his eyes so open and raw that Luke couldn't have torn himself away under threat of death. "I want this to be forever, Luke. I don't want anything to take you away from me again. Not even me."   
  
Luke had to bite his lip to keep from either bursting into sobs or kissing Noah until neither of them could breathe. He managed to nod, shakily, and take one deep, shuddering breath.   
  
"Yeah," he whispered, searching Noah's eyes. "Same here."   
  
Noah laughed softly and kissed him again, sweetly, lingering, just the way he had before. And Luke smiled into the kiss.   
  


************   
 

They managed to collect themselves after that, finishing off the pizza and their sodas and making separate trips to the bathroom to clean up. Back in his room, wearing a pair of clean boxers and waiting for Luke to return, Noah straightened the sheets and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. He'd already brought in two bottles of water from the refrigerator, and a towel from the bathroom for any more cleanup needs.   
  
"Hey."   
  
Noah turned to see Luke leaning in the doorway, the dying sunlight from the living room windows backlighting his frame, outlining it with a golden glow. His body and heart throbbed in sync at the sight.   
  
"God, you're beautiful." The words were out of his mouth before he realized he was saying them, and he knew he was probably blushing but didn't really care when Luke broke into a brilliant, dimpled smile.   
  
"You're not so bad yourself, there, Mayer," Luke said, pushing off the wall and sauntering toward Noah, hips loose and rolling in a way that made Noah's mind go to some very dirty, and very nice, places. Noah's breath sped up as Luke stopped in front of him and laid his palms flat on Noah's stomach, stroking up his chest, coming to rest on his shoulders. "Have I mentioned how much I like the tan? And the tats? Gives you much more of a bad-boy image. The bike didn't hurt matters either."   
  
Noah ducked his head. "I... guess California went to my head a little," he said. "The SoK people were all so nice, and they were teaching us to surf, and, well, you've seen their tattoos, and it just felt..." His voice trailed off, and he shrugged one shoulder. "I was starting over. It felt like a good way to mark it."   
  
Luke moved his left hand down to trace a finger lightly over the black design curling over Noah's hipbone. "You told me what this one means," he said. "And the one on your leg." He let his other hand skim down to wrap lightly around Noah's bicep, just below the design encircling his arm. "You didn't tell me about this one."   
  
Noah lifted his eyes, and when their gazes met, Noah knew he'd read the words. He swallowed and nodded slightly, acknowledging it, but when he spoke, he talked about the images instead.   
  
"The turtle symbolizes family and voyages," he said. Luke's thumb brushed across it. "The sun is for eternity." Luke nodded and ran his finger across that, too. "The little twists at the top?" Luke nodded again in understanding. "They symbolize two lives that will always be intertwined, no matter what happens."   
  
Luke's eyes had darkened as he spoke, his gaze intense, golden hazel burning into Noah's. Luke kept his eyes locked on Noah's as long as he could as he lowered his head, brushing his lips across the design, bringing out his tongue to trace around the sun. Noah's breath hitched, and Luke's eyes drifted closed as he kissed further around the muscle, hand slipping underneath to lift his arm. He kissed each word in the inscription, touched every part of the design that he now knew represented him, and Noah's relationship with him, everything that had tied them together since the day they met and that always would. Home, family, love, life: Noah's entire world, and Luke's, circled Noah's arm, a permanent reminder of everything they'd shared in the past.   
  
And now, a symbol of everything they'd share in the future.   
  
When Luke lifted up to kiss Noah's lips, Noah met him with all the love and passion and desire in his body, his tongue plundering Luke's mouth. He turned and sat on the mattress, drawing Luke down, rolling Luke under him. Luke wrapped his arms and legs around Noah, as if he couldn't get close enough, a feeling Noah knew all too well.   
  
He pulled away from Luke's mouth, with difficulty, and stared down into Luke's eyes, wide and wet, glowing like the California sun.   
  
"Make love to me," Noah whispered. "I need to feel you."   
  
The last time they'd made love, the day before Noah's accident, Luke had been the aggressor, taking Noah's body hard and fast and rougher than he ever had, driven by the jealousy he'd been trying so hard to fight. Noah had been a little surprised at how much he'd loved it, and he'd woken up hard and aching on a regular basis for months afterwards, his mind replaying that night again and again.   
  
But that wasn't what he wanted now, and he could tell Luke understood. He nodded and kissed Noah gently, rolling them back over and settling on top, hands stroking and caressing. Noah relaxed into it, letting Luke take the lead, letting go of everything but the feel of Luke against him, his fingers touching him, opening him, his cock sliding inside.   
  
They came at nearly the same instant, Luke breathing words of love and promise against Noah's lips, and Noah didn't fight it as a few tears leaked from the corners of his eyes.   
  
Sated and content, they slept.    
  


************   
 

"Don't you people sleep at night around here?"   
  
Noah laughed at Luke's grumpiness as he dug into his closet, pulling out two faded, loose hoodies and tossing one to Luke. "Here," he said. "It'll probably be a little chilly out there this morning."   
  
Luke glared at him. "It's not morning," he groused. "It's the middle of the freaking night."   
  
"It's five AM, and it's the perfect time to go watch the sun come up," Noah shot back. "Haven't you slept enough already? I mean, we spent most of yesterday in bed."   
  
"Not nearly all of it sleeping," Luke mumbled, running a hand over his face, and Noah couldn't argue with him there, especially not after he'd woken Luke up with a blowjob just a few hours earlier. But after being in the hospital for most of a day and the apartment since late the morning before, he was feeling a little stir-crazy. He'd gotten used to getting out every morning to run or surf, spending most of his days out in the California sun, when he wasn't stuck in class or an editing bay.   
  
Noah tugged his hoodie over his head and shoved his arms into the sleeves, pulling the hem down over his stomach and then running a hand over his hair to try to tame it a little. He looked over at Luke, who still sat naked and bleary-eyed in the center of the bed, the sheet tangled around his waist. Noah had put on a pair of board shorts and thrown Luke a pair too, but he hadn't made a move toward them.   
  
"Come on, Luke," Noah wheedled, moving over to sit on the bed and pick up the shorts, waving them in front of Luke's face. "It'll be really nice out, I promise. And I'll buy you a caramel latte as soon as SoK opens, promise."   
  
Luke made a grunting sort of noise and grabbed the shorts. "All right, all right," he grumbled, unfolding his legs over the side of the bed and shoving them into the shorts. "Not like you're gonna leave me alone about it."   
  
"You got that right," Noah said. "Besides," he added, leaning in close to Luke's ear. "I think we can probably think of some ways other than hoodies to keep each other warm out there."   
  
Luke made another sound, this one more like a whimper, and Noah grinned, climbing to his feet and handing over Luke's hoodie. "Let's get moving, Snyder," he said. "The beach is waiting."   
  


************   
 

Their fingers linked together like they'd never let go, they walked barefoot along the wet sand. The tide was coming in slowly, waves inching ever further up the beach, but Noah knew from experience exactly how far up they'd need to be to keep from getting drenched. The waves were on the small side this morning, not all that good for surfing, but that hadn't stopped a few people from going out anyway. A man Noah didn't recognize had a young boy on a board, obviously giving him a lesson (maybe even his first), and a couple of familiar forms were further out, testing what were probably new moves to them on the low breakers.   
  
Noah tugged at Luke's hand to get his attention and pointed out toward the surfers. "Looks like Aaron and Malia got out early today," he said. He grinned down at Luke. "Gotta say, I've got a little itch myself."   
  
Luke laughed, a little more awake by now, and pulled him closer. "No go, babe," he said. "You just got your head smashed in two days ago. I'm keeping you on dry land for a while."   
  
Noah didn't argue, just leaned down to kiss the side of Luke's neck, a favorite spot he'd discovered long ago and loved getting another chance to visit. Luke made a pleased sound and tilted his head, so Noah followed up the kiss with a little lick-and-nibble, which shifted the pleased sound into a full-out groan.   
  
Noah laughed and reached for Luke's other hand, dragging him away from the water. "C'mon," he said. "Got the perfect spot."   
  
He stopped on a small rise just a few dozen yards from Surf of Kan that gave them a clear view of the water but sat back between a couple of buildings, off the main path of the beach. Noah sat down and drew Luke down in front of him, between Noah's legs, Luke's back to Noah's chest. Luke pulled Noah's arms around his waist and crossed his own over them, tangling their fingers together. He leaned back against Noah's shoulder and let out a long, satisfied sigh.   
  
Noah chuckled and kissed that spot on Luke's neck again. Luke shivered, and Noah tightened his arms around him. "You cold?" he asked.   
  
"Nope," Luke replied, tilting his head back against Noah's shoulder so he could look up at him. "That's not what made me shiver."   
  
"Mmmm." Noah dipped down to brush a brief kiss across Luke's lips before they both turned their attention back to the water. They were facing the wrong way to watch the sunrise directly, of course, but the sky gradually lightened as they sat watching, stars disappearing one by one, and a soft glow spread across the water, burnishing it in shades of gold.   
  
"It's so beautiful here." Luke broke the silence, as he often did, but his voice stayed low, barely above a whisper. He still sounded half asleep. "I can see why you like it so much."   
  
Noah shifted far enough to rest his head on Luke's shoulder. "It really is great," he said. "But it's not just the scenery I like. The people have been so great. Kan just kind of took me in like a stray animal, and Malia's a total older sister type to all of us. And Aaron, well..." He trailed off for a second. "Aaron just really reminds me of you in a lot of ways, which is funny since you aren't even blood relatives."   
  
Luke laughed. "Yeah, but we were both raised by Holden Snyder," he pointed out. "I never thought of us as all that much alike, though."   
  
Noah shrugged. "It's not really obvious, I guess, maybe it's just that I have a different perspective. Aaron comes across as all laid back, but really, he's all about dealing with things and not letting them fester. And that's really what I was doing until you came out here. I kept telling myself I was fine, but it was just a big cover-up."   
  
Luke moved then, turning around to face Noah, folding his legs in front of him, his knees sliding under Noah's. Noah sucked in a breath at the look in his eyes. "I was doing exactly the same thing, Noah," he said, firm and unwavering. "That's all Reid ever was, a way to pretend that it was okay. That  _I_  was going to be okay. I thought we were done for good, and that's what I was supposed to do: move on. I thought that's what you do when a relationship ends."    
  
He brought up his hands to cup Noah's face. "But it was all a lie. To myself, and to you, and even to Reid. I could never be with him completely because too much of me still belonged to you. And it still does, Noah. All of who I am, and who I want to be, it just wouldn't mean anything to me if you weren't there to share it."   
  
Noah swallowed to try to steady himself. "You always have the right words," he said. "And I know I have trouble with that. But everything you want, I want. We aren't perfect, and we aren't ever going to be perfect. But I think we could be pretty damn good."   
  
Luke grinned wide and leaned forward, bringing their mouths together, kissing Noah deeply. Noah wrapped his arms around Luke again, pulling him closer, practically sliding into Luke's lap in the process. He didn't care, as long as he could feel Luke surrounding him.   
  
Noah was so caught up in Luke that it took him a minute to figure out that someone was trying to break them up. He pulled back and turned his head just in time to catch a broad lick across his face.   
  
"Kona!" He laughed and shifted one hand from Luke's arm to push Kona away a little. "You're getting doggy breath in my face, girl."   
  
Luke laughed, too, and reached out to scratch Kona's neck. Immediately she flopped onto her side and turned halfway onto her back, obviously begging for some belly scratches.   
  
Noah and Luke looked at each other and grinned before diving in, each keeping one arm around the other and using the other hand to scratch and rub Kona's soft belly. Kona panted and whined happily, her tail wagging so hard it kicked up waves of sand.   
  
"Kona!" Noah looked up to see Malia sticking her board down into the sand and jogging toward them in her short suit, the pink trim one of her few overt nods to stereotypical femininity. She grinned at them as she approached. "Sorry, guys, I guess Pop let her out to pee and figured we'd keep her reined in. Didn't think she'd attack you."   
  
Luke grinned back at her. "Hey, not a problem," he said. He shot Noah a quick, wicked look and slid closer, hooking his legs over Noah's lap and his hand over Noah's shoulder, rubbing lightly. "Not like we didn't have plenty of alone time for the past, oh, eighteen hours or so."   
  
Malia laughed and plopped onto the sand next to them, taking her turn at scratching Kona. "Yeah, we figured getting out of Dodge was the better part of valor yesterday," she said. "Either Noah would be coming back all broody or you two would need some privacy, so Aaron just packed a bag and came over to my place."   
  
Noah felt himself flush. He hadn't even thought about Aaron or wondered where he was, so caught up in Luke. "Sorry about that," he said. "Didn't mean to banish Aaron from the apartment or anything."   
  
"No problem, dude." Aaron joined them, standing with hands on hips, glistening with sea water. "Just glad to see you two are finally back on the same page. All that emo shit was getting kind of old."   
  
"Hey!" Luke shoved at Aaron's leg with his free hand. "Not like you haven't had your own share of emo shit to deal with. Do you want me to start naming names?"   
  
Aaron immediately threw both hands up in protest. "No no no, truce!" he said, laughing. "Too nice a day and too nice a beach for that stuff." He reached for Malia's hand, pulling her up and into his side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "So when are you heading back?"   
  
Noah flinched at that, but Luke didn't seem to react, until he spoke. "We haven't decided yet," he said, in a voice that carried an undercurrent of  _get the hell out of here, please_ . "We'll let you know."   
  
Malia and Aaron seemed to get the hint. "Okay, well, we're gonna head in and get cleaned up a and changed before we open," Malia said, bending down to rub Kona's head. "C'mon, girl, let's go get some breakfast!"   
  
Kona jumped up and barked, wagging her tail excitedly, and Noah had to laugh. He watched as the three of them walked away, Kona bounding happily ahead, and he sighed. "Must be nice to have no worries other than whether your food bowl is full or not," he said.   
  
Luke turned to face him again, smiling, but his eyes serious. "You know I don't want to leave, right?" he said. "I mean, not just you. I like it here. I like Kan and everyone, and I have to admit, I really like the freedom of not having my entire family hanging over my shoulder all the time."   
  
Noah nodded, biting his lip. "But?" he said, knowing it was coming.   
  
"But," Luke echoed, reaching out to take both of Noah's hands in his. "I can't stay. Not permanently. Not now. I have to go back to Oakdale. I've got too many things that I just can't drop like that. I'm on two boards at the hospital, plus the foundation, and there's the Grimaldi sale to finish, and--"   
  
"Wait," Noah broke in. "You're selling Grimaldi Shipping?"   
  
Luke grinned. "Yep," he said. "And guess who's buying it."   
  
Noah frowned for a second, but then it hit him. "Does it start with Lucinda and end with Walsh?"   
  
Luke laughed. "The one and only," he said. "Oh man, the glee in her eyes when I told her I'd decided to sell it? What better way to stick it to Damian once and for all?"   
  
Noah had to laugh, too. Yeah, maybe it was petty of them, but after everything Damian had pulled, especially with Holden, Noah couldn't find it in himself to care. And particularly not when selling it off would get Luke one step closer to being able to leave Oakdale.   
  
Noah's laughter died away. He hesitated for a moment, then plunged ahead. "So I guess I should just come out and ask, since we're trying this whole being honest thing," he said. "Luke. Will you move out here? Once you've taken care of what you have to take care of in Oakdale. Will you come live with me here?"   
  
Luke's smile died as Noah spoke, and he looked so serious that for a moment Noah was afraid his answer would be no. But then he spoke. "Yes," Luke said, hands tightening on Noah's. "Noah, I would love nothing more in this world than to come live with you here. For the rest of our lives, if you'll have me."   
  
Noah grinned his relief and tugged Luke all the way into his lap, molding their bodies together and kissing him hard. Luke half moaned and half giggled into Noah's mouth, and Noah held him tighter, so close it felt like they were one body.   
  
The way they were always meant to be.


End file.
